Days go by..

It's October. Let me say it one more time. OCTOBER!? what? Why is it October? Wasn't it January a few months ago? I simply cannot believe how fast time is flying. And I am starting to get extremely overstressed about Christmas. Stephen is 5. he's starting to really understand the concept of Santa and all, and we're trying hard to instill the value of less is more, and he doesn't get everything in the world that he wants, but every kid should get SOMETHING for Christmas. I have .70 cents in my account as we speak, and the trend seems to be sticking with that, if not negatives, I'm a patron of the dollar store, but I think that even 70 cents isn't quite enough for the cheapest item in the store. I'm not creative with a needle and thread, and my computer is like 10 years old and barely works (if you've noticed, I do not post pictures anywhere anymore, because I can't figure out how to upload it to the computer without it crashing and dying) so I'm really not sure what I can make or create for Stephen that he will absolutely love. I'm sure we will have a fantastic Christmas, things always have a way of working out, but that doesn't stop me from freaking out in the mean time.

And its OCTOBER!? that means that in 6 months my little man will be SIX. he's going to be six years old. in 8 months I will be 30. I am feeling so old. Watching Stephen grow up, and learn things, its amazing the things he's learning, and I remember going to school and learning things. I have a few memories of Kindergarten, and sometimes when I look at Stephen, I can't help but wonder what he will remember when he gets older. Will he remember his school? Will he remember the troubled times that he and I have faced together recently? Will he remember waking up on Saturday mornings and sneaking out into the kitchen and trying to make his own breakfast before waking me up, because I couldn't hear him, and will he look back on that has mommy was totally neglecting him? or will he remember the good times, the Mommy and Me times when we are alone? or times like tonight when the two of us were curled up in bed watching Tom and Jerry in my bed until I passed out cause I was exhausted, but we were still curled up together? It's overwhelming the choices that I am making and how they can impact and affect him in the future.

On a weird note..I found my dusty old blog! from livejournal. took me a while but I found it, here's the link.. http://krackergrl.livejournal.com/ it's nuts, I didn't read the whole thing but I read a lot of posts that I had posted back through the years, I complain a lot. I'm fully aware of that, and I was very vocal about my problems online. And if I remember correctly, I ranted a lot about the sperm donor and such from when I was pregnant. I think I was just going through so much during the time that I had that blog, and beyond and I really had no other outlet to vent. I feel like venting right now, but I don't really want to, I feel like I've learned my lesson about vocalizing my problems on the internet, it tends to lead to more problems. If I vented what was on my mind right now, then I'm sure it will cause problems tomorrow.

Anyways, I've yapped enough, I better get ready to go to bed, it's getting late and morning comes so quickly these days.