Dear Jason,
I hate you. I hate you so much that I don't feel anything for you. You were my first, my first really big mistake. You took one look at me, and decided I was naive and easy to manipulate, I was a mark to you. You took everything that was good in me, and manipulated it to turn me into someone that I didn't like. You once held a knife at me, threatened to kill me and my son, if I got in the car and left. You took things I held dear, and pawned them, you once brought one of your lovers into my house, to introduce me to her, so that she knew what I looked like when you badmouthed me. You gave me a disease, that I can never be cured of. You burned a hole in my heart and filled it full of darkness and fear. You made me nothing, you used me up and hurt me, until I was broken. For everything you did to me, and my son I hate you.
Dear Jesse,
I hate you. I hate you so much that I don't feel anything for you, When I met you I was just coming out of the thing with Jason. You took one look at me, so broken and afraid and decided I was perfect. You swept me off my feet, in the quickest way possible, and rushed me down the isle, in what is probably my first and only wedding, err elopement. You took my broken soul, and decided it wasn't broke enough. You hid your lies behind your charm and smiles, and made me see only the facade of you. Once you had me, and I couldn't leave, you showed me your addiction to pills, your addiction to lying, your addiction to pawn shops, you put not just my son in danger, but you put me in danger, the person you swore to love and cherish. You took a look at me in the begining and saw that I was the most perfect person for you, in how broken I was, that I would be easily manipulated and abused. You took my car, my job, and my items you pawned, including my grandmothers wedding ring, and eventually you took my home. You introduced me to the world of drug dealers, and shady people, you introduced me to the world of knowing cops and paramedics on a first name basis. You introduced me to the world of DCF, and you put me on the streets with your introduction of yet another overdose. You used me up and hurt me until I was broken. For everything you did to me, and my son, I hate you.
Dear Patsy,
I hate you,. I hate you so much that I don't feel anything for you. You invited me into your home, as my blood aunt, after the world of Jesse. You took one look at me, so broken and afraid and numb, and decided I was perfect. I was perfect to beat into submission, not literally, but spiritually. You decided that as a Christian woman it was your duty to have me into your home, but once I was there, I had to live under a iron thumb. I had to clean your clothes, I had to walk on tipy toes, I had to live with the thermostat at 88 degrees, I had to do the trash, I had to clean constantly. Under your OCD and watchful eye, not one crumb could be left on a dinner tray. I had to watch as you tried to turn my son against me, blaming that one crumb on my lack of cleanliness, and punished him not allowing him to watch tv. Once, tile fell down in the shower, after years of no one showering in that shower, the glue behind it gave away, and I was blamed. My dog had to live in the heat outside, and one day, she disappeared, I reported her missing, and she was found across the city, You gave me two weeks to find a home for her, then gave me 3 weeks to find a home for me and stephen. You wouldn't let me keep her for another week until I could find a place. Your reasoning for kicking us out? my son, who is autistic, asked you why he couldn't eat in the living room, but you could. Your christian values, we lived in constant chaos that was controlled by a OCD person, nothing we did was right. And when you felt disrespected because of a question, you told us to go, in an email. You took pictures of my personal space, my personal belongings, and called me a slob, but you didn't take pictures of the messes you left for me to clean. After we moved out you went after my dad for money that I supposedly owed, and you cut my cell phone off, you returned my check that paid for that cellphone, and cut me off from the world. I was working at healing myself, instead I was getting thrown into this world of utter despair, I tried to find solace in a church of my chosing, but it wasn't your church, so you weren't happy. I lost my spirituality after you, I found religion in my time of Jesse, my only light in darkness, and you took it away. I'm now agnostic, if there is a God, how would he let a christian woman treat us like that? I lost my faith in family because of you. The only family that matters to me right now are my mom and my dad, and a few others. Because family wouldn't treat family like that. You used me up, and hurt me until I was broken. It wasn't enough that I wasn't healed from my exes, you had to break me more. For everything you did to me, and my son, I hate you.
Dear Mike,
Fast forward 4 years. I'm healed. I am happy. I was ready for you. You took one look at me and I don't know what you saw when you looked at me, you were so closed up. We decided we should try this thing out. We dated for 6 months, then you decided that if I wanted things to be official, it would be up to me. We were together for a year and half. We did things, I was happy, there was no drama, no arguing, nothing. I was so happy. I thought we were perfect together, you had your problems in your past, I had mine. I felt like I would never loose myself in you, like I did with them. I never felt like you would cheat, or lie, or manipulate. You were my equal, in so many things. We had fun. It took me a long time to feel like I loved you, I was still a little sore inside from them, but I felt like you were healing me so much more than I could heal myself. I never said I love you. You never said you loved me. I didn't see for so long, how unhealthy our relationship was. Even now, months after we split up, I still find myself in denial sometimes. There were so many red flags, You introduced me to strangers as your friends. I never was introduced to family. I did meet one friend, who is now a pretty good friend of mine, but I can't even remember if you introduced me as a friend, or gf, I know she knew I was a gf cause she was on my fb, and you never facebook friended me, even though you knew it bothered me. I was never invited to your trips to jacksonville, but you brought with you friends of yours. I felt like your dirty little secret. I trusted you wholeheartedly. You crushed that trust, when our mutual friend showed me a screenshot of you and her in front of a courthouse, 2 days after telling me you were moving to seattle to be with your son. a weeks and weeks of texting you asking for answers, you still haven't given me any. You ghosted. 1.5 years of dating, of so many good times, constantly texting each other, even in that last month I saw you more that month than I had in a long time. Then you ghosted. I have been through a lot, but never in my life have I ever been so heartbroken as I have been the past few months. You broke me again. For everything you did to me, I hate you.
Dear Therapist,
You listened to me when I told you all of this, you listened when I went into more detail, you listened to me analyze everything. You listened to me when I told you that I went out and bought a car, and one of my first thoughts was that Mike had never touched it. You listened to me when I said I was moving to another place, and it makes me happy that Mike had never been there. You listened to me when I said I really wanted a new bed, cause mike had never touched it. Then you told me, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what happened to me in the past, what matters now, is they made their choices, and I made mine. It doesn't matter that Mike ghosted, he made his choice to cheat and pick someone else, the answers I seek have nothing to do with what I do going forward, I am never getting back together with them. It makes sense. You taught me a word, it resonated so deeply in me. Codependency. With that word, you're teaching me to heal again. I don't want to be broken anymore. I accept responsibility that everyone in my past, they aren't the ones that broke me. I broke me. Jason, Jesse, Patsy, Mike, I don't hate you at all, I don't even hate you a little bit. I've got some work to do, because I think I hate myself, more than I ever thought I hated you.
Codependency. It describes me to a T. I loose myself in my partners, I find people and attract people because of that. I become the relationship I am in. I need to break free of those chains. Some of the coping mechanisms is journaling, which is why I am here today. This was so much more to me than a blog. It was a longwinded goodbye letter, to all of those that I've felt like are the source of my anguish. I can't say I will never think back and feel pain and hurt all over again, but I want to change the cycle going forward. I don't want to be here in 5 years with bitterness in my heart over failed relationships, failed friendships, or a failed life. I want to move to Sanford, get my fresh start, and be a better me.
Thanks for listening.
