I get to work this morning,and my job has this thing every now and then, a mass spam email that is supposed to be words of encouragement and enlightment..anyways so I get to work this moning and check my email..and the message for today was this:
Are you ready for a new chapter in your life? In order to move forward itno new blessings you have to be willing to let go of the old. The things that are behind you are not nearly as important as what is right in front of you. It's time to get ready for the "new"!
You may have had some unfair things happen, things that you don't understand. but you have come too far to allow them to hold you back or to stop now. Instead of allowing those things to hold you back, why don't you let go and take a step of faith into something new? It's time to get a new, bigger vision; its tme to get a new fresher outlook; to rise to a new attitude. Instead of settling where you are, pick up and move forward. Have the attitude that says, "I may not understand it, but I am moving forward to greater things." God has a new chapter for you- a chapter filled with blessings.
All my blubbering last night about closed doors and things like that, then I get to work and read this email.
I'm depressed today, he left, he's no longer in Florida, the email probably would have impacted me far harder tomorrow than it would have today, but even so, all day long I thought about the email. What are the chances that the email would have came today, of all days, the day after I said my goodbyes and realized that a chapter had ended in my life?
I must go to bed now, I'm really tired, I just felt compelled to write about this email. all day long I wanted to blog about it, it's insane the conversation I kept having with myself in my head to stop myself from going to the bathroom to blog. :)
Monday, April 23, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Heard a door close today.
Today, was probably one of the most emotional days I've face in a long time, and that's saying a lot, considering everything I have been through the past year or so. I spent the day with my ex husband today, who is doing very very badly healthwise. it's so dang hard watching it. I helped him pack his stuff, I fed him, I made him shower, and I spent time with him..and when I drove away, I could swear I heard a door click shut.
Although its not a real door, another chapter of my life closed today.. even though we're divorced, and have been living seperately for 6 months now, and I've already moved on to the next chapter, Jesse was still there, I still in the back of my mind, had insane high hopes of reconciliation. We were so good together, he and I..and Stephen adored him, our memories were full..both of good and bad. He's moving to New York tomorrow. It's a huge change..I sorta feel like i've lost him all over again, even though we're not together, he was still close enough to go visit if I wanted to.
I said goodbye today, to a lot of things, to Oak Hill.. to the places I frequented..I even visited my chicken Morkie, and said goodbye to her. Since Jesse won't be there anymore, I probably can't see myself going to Oak Hill again any time soon. It was so sad. i hated that town with a passion, yet its a beautiful little town full of memories.
It's going to be hard not having him so close, we were together a short time, not 50 years or anything in the scheme of things, but in the time that we were together, it was intense, I felt with every fiber of my being that he is my soul mate. I loved him that deeply, another reason why I stayed with him so long. I know a lot of people who know what he put me through, don't understand, and would be upset with me for being upset that he's leaving. It is what it is though. maybe if he moved away and met someone else and moved on, and I eventually did he same, I could look back and see that maybe he wasn't the one for me, but right now, I can't see it. I love him, and I have a hard time seeing beyond that. I do recognize that he needs help, and it'll take a lot for us to get back together.. I do see that. It's why I'm not with him now.
I'm tired of love stuff. but I know that if i make choices that are loveless then it always ends up in disaster for me. my choices suck in life. I can't wait until I get insurance, I'm so going to get a shrink LOL.
I'm just rambling right now, I'm back and forth and bouncing around with my emotions. I'm going to be like this for the next few days I think. Bursting out crying out of no where. He flies out tomorrow at 8pm. I think I'm scheduled upstairs tomorrow at work, it's a good thing, I don't think I'm going to want to be bothered by anyone.
Although its not a real door, another chapter of my life closed today.. even though we're divorced, and have been living seperately for 6 months now, and I've already moved on to the next chapter, Jesse was still there, I still in the back of my mind, had insane high hopes of reconciliation. We were so good together, he and I..and Stephen adored him, our memories were full..both of good and bad. He's moving to New York tomorrow. It's a huge change..I sorta feel like i've lost him all over again, even though we're not together, he was still close enough to go visit if I wanted to.
I said goodbye today, to a lot of things, to Oak Hill.. to the places I frequented..I even visited my chicken Morkie, and said goodbye to her. Since Jesse won't be there anymore, I probably can't see myself going to Oak Hill again any time soon. It was so sad. i hated that town with a passion, yet its a beautiful little town full of memories.
It's going to be hard not having him so close, we were together a short time, not 50 years or anything in the scheme of things, but in the time that we were together, it was intense, I felt with every fiber of my being that he is my soul mate. I loved him that deeply, another reason why I stayed with him so long. I know a lot of people who know what he put me through, don't understand, and would be upset with me for being upset that he's leaving. It is what it is though. maybe if he moved away and met someone else and moved on, and I eventually did he same, I could look back and see that maybe he wasn't the one for me, but right now, I can't see it. I love him, and I have a hard time seeing beyond that. I do recognize that he needs help, and it'll take a lot for us to get back together.. I do see that. It's why I'm not with him now.
I'm tired of love stuff. but I know that if i make choices that are loveless then it always ends up in disaster for me. my choices suck in life. I can't wait until I get insurance, I'm so going to get a shrink LOL.
I'm just rambling right now, I'm back and forth and bouncing around with my emotions. I'm going to be like this for the next few days I think. Bursting out crying out of no where. He flies out tomorrow at 8pm. I think I'm scheduled upstairs tomorrow at work, it's a good thing, I don't think I'm going to want to be bothered by anyone.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Testing
I have just discovered that my iPhone will let me blog on the go. My mom likes it when I blog. She's stalker like that. I love her anyways. So maybe I will start up again. Especially now that I know I can blog anywhere, any time. Even on the potty!
Pepto Bismol
The past few weeks I have been feeling miserable. Horribly Miserable..stomach issues, intestinal stuff, whatever. Some fevers now and then, feeling run down, loosing weight (i wont complain about that one too much) I'm over it. My aunt produced for me some Pepto Bismol. and..omg relief! who knew!? Seriously! why didn't I think of that sooner?
hi again!
I got a email about the new blogging thing, my blog has been changed to having something to do with Google or something, which made remember I even had a blog. so here I am, blogging again. i dont like the new format. that is all.
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