a year ago

This year Stephen will be Darth Vader.  first year in forever he hasnt been something with the pirate theme.  earlier, i started thinking about last year and how I actually made his costume.  vs this year, where I had to buy it, cause darth vader to me is just not homemadeable:)  i got on facebook and started browsing my pictures, and got lost in the memories.

 

A year ago today my baby was Captain Jack Sparrow.   I worked hard on the costume and was darn proud.  A year ago I lived in oak hill, with a husband, and a house.  i only had a month left to live in that house, with that husband, and I didn't know it.  that night though, i was insanely happy.  I made my son really happy with that costume.  he still talks about it even today. 

It's amazing though, looking back at the pictures, how much has changed.  I know I got out of a bad bad situation, I know it, but i am nostalgic.  especially as I come up on all these holidays.  it'll be my first holiday really by myself, ever.  i've always lived with someone during the holidays.   tonight is the first time im going out by myself, ever trick or treating with Stephen.  The upcoming months ill be doing everything by myself.  Stephen and I will be decorated for the holidays, shopping for the holidays, all by ourselves.  I'll experience trying to come up with a few presents under the tree for Stephen and trying to find a hiding spot, not to mention how to actually SHOP without him knowing what im buying.  trying to come up with the money on my own, plus pay bills.  no one to really talk to about it, cause lord knows i whine enough to the people I *DO* talk to about it, and im tired of being a whiney baby about money.

The changes this year has been astounding, I don't know why i havent had some major breakdown by now.  If i didnt have bad luck, i'd swear i didn't have any luck at all.  it just goes to show you though, how much life doesn't stay the same, the earth is constantly spinning, and we are spinning along with it.  i dont know what the next few months will bring me, how i will be able to do anything, what will happen, i dont know what next year will bring me.  i wonder if i'll still be here, i don't know.  hopefully the future will be good to me. 

I hope that im still in this area though, i had a parent teacher conference today, and im amazed at all the positive good things she had to say about stephen and how well he's doing.  im going to fight like heck to keep us here..this school district is AWESOME.

Single Motherhood

Usually, I am exteremly paitent, I have to be, I have a 7 year old son.  today, my patience has worn paper thin to the point of snapping.  So instead of being a grump out loud, I will be a grump to a blog.  I don't think anyone really follows or it reads it, so its almost like a private vent? maybe?  Today my blog will be about single momhood.

Its bloody hard.  I swear.  I'd say that I don't get how single moms do it, but then reality slaps me in the face, or a small hand anyways, and I'm a single mom.  I'm blogging currently with my childs feet on my left forearm, with the word "mommy, mommy, mommy!" coming out of his mouth every two seconds, then if i dont answer him right away he uses that moment to climb on my lap and squeeze my cheeks and block my view of the screen, demanding attention 24/7. 

 me blogging with an attachment.

Stinky single mother hood??  here's some of the hardest points I can think of.

1) certain friends and prospective dates just can't handle reality.  in the past few months, seen two people talking about not being sure about hanging out with someone with a kid,  kids interfere with lifestyles, and not being comfortable or knowing how to act around kids.  which is okay, fine even, because pre-stephen, i said the same crap.  if a friend of mine brought her kid around i was akward and fumbly and didnt know what to do.  so all i got to say about that is, you know what? your loss..cause I am a really great person.  im loyal as heck to my son, i can be loyal as heck to a friend or boyfriend.  just sayin.  and i have learned how to love committedly, because i love my son for life, im not fickle about love anymore.  i don't feel like i should have to beg for friendship, i feel like i should be accepted for who I am, and who I am, fortunately, is a mom.  i do have some friends that are moms, so i understand when they cant do something, they have their own family to deal with.. which unfortunately makes me feel awfully friendless and lonely.

2) money, and doing it yourself.  money sucks.  having not enough money to pay for things your kid enjoys, like cable tv, sucks harder.  and when a sperm donor decides, omg i have a sniffle, i cant go to work, thats a week without childsupport i dont get.  or i get a random out of the blue text telling me he wants to lower child support payments, because he has his two other kids to feed, plus his newest girlfriends three kids to feed, and cant afford it.  hello..get SNIPPED jacktwat.   ever heard of a 2nd job?  or how about finding a g/f who actually works, so you dont have to support her kids for her.  and the fact that you haven't seen stephen in 7 years?  and use the excuse of wanting to get to know him, to text me to let me know, oh..by the way, im taking you to court cause i dont wanna pay anymore, cause woe is me whine whine whine.  suck it up and be a man. and taking a week off for a sniffle?  please.  i was sick all week too, and the only time i took off was when they sent me home, and when i HAD to, because of teacher duty day.  so what was my orignial vent about?  oh yeah, money.  recently i've had to get rid of a junker car that stopped working, I got a safer car, and a car payment, and headache issues with the financer because of my past, and they are ON POINT with making my life heck, because of it..right down to getting my car insurance to charge me out of the blue with my remainder of my premium.  so instead of paying my usual one month payment I have to come up with 3 months of payments, by the 25th of october.  thats 4 days away.  yeah, that'll happen.  so now what will happen, is ill loose my license, and my brand new car wont be drivable, ill loose my job for lack of transportation, and ill be on the streets.  so.  FML right?  trying to determine what to get rid of, and unfortunately, cable/internet and my cell phone has got to go.  extra expenses i dont need, until I get back on my feet.  and its all me, weather or not we have a roof over our head, or food in our bellies, its up to me, and whoever i borrow money from:P 


pause for a minute, i got a kid wanting juice.

 

3) not getting a break.  I think that I haven't had a true break, to where i can just up and go somewhere by myself, in over 6 months really.  because I lived at my aunts house briefly, and it got real bad to the point where i would go with stephen to spend the weekend at my dads house, just to get away and not be in that house.    and because i love my dad and stepmom and they took custody of my dog, i still go over there every time stephen does, so i havent had a real break in a while..so now here I am, we're around each other from 530pm to 7am on weekdays, and every waking moment on weekends.  literally, cause we have a 1 bedroom apartment that we share a room.  and this weekend happens to be a three day weekend, cause of teacher duty day on friday.  so we're driving each other absolutely bonkers.   BONKERS.  he needs a break i need a break, but unforunately because of #2, we cant really go anywhere. 

next week my dad is going to take him, cause of another teacher duty day.  he'll get him thursday, ill be alone thursday night to sleep, then friday ill work, then ill have to go get him.  then november 10th ill have to find a babysitter for the weekend cause my friend jean is going to come over and spend the weekend with me!

pause for a minute..my kid needs a hug cause his throat hurts.

i think what i need to have happen right now, is i need to go to work, and send him to school, and at least get 8 hours of break. 

and all that being said..flip side of the arguement.

I love my son, more than anything, he is MINE.  no one can bash him, pick on him, talk bad to him, or complain about him except for me.  HE is MINE.  if you do it, and I know about it?? you don't want to know what will happen.  you won't be around this world much longer.  i love him.  yeah, when i was younger i used to be scared of kids, never wanted any kids ever,then i had him, my little oops! and he became my own.  he's all me, total mini me.  yeah it can be hard, not having the ability to do what i want, when i want it, but i cant explain it.. he just makes it all go away.  ill be steaming mad and claustrophobic in the house one minute, then the next minute, something like this will happen.

 

 

he and I, we will be okay, we're a unit.  we may not be a family with three, and have a little less stress in our life, but we're a unit.  a family.  one day ill loose all the losers in my life that have a problem with my unit.. one day i may even meet a man who will be a man, and take a chance and learn to love both me and my son, and treat me the way I so badly want to be treated.   ill continue my weekly stress and struggles with money, but one day I have to believe, we'll be okay.  as long as my rent gets paid, the electric.  i dont know what will happen in the future, i dont know what being a mommys boy will do to him, i dont know who he will become, or what he will be, I do know that no matter WHAT, I will love him, I'll love him if he's #1 quarterback in the nation in NFL, i'll love him if he's on death row.  I will love him, totally, and unconditionally.  forever.

stephen doesnt take anything away from my life, he doesn't inconvience me, except when i have to go to the bathroom and there he is wanting attention.  he doesn't.  he makes it better, with the things that comes out of his mouth, the daily things he does or says that when it doesnt matter how bad of a day I had, he can make me truly laugh like i havent ever.

i have to go now, my son needs me, he doesn't feel well, and its taken me about two hours to write this.  I do feel better though.  I do.  thanks for listening.  and pretend I never said any of it, cause those are evil bad thoughts and I need to smile and be lovely all the time, since im a mom:) 

Pre-exsisting conditions

I recently had this huge issue with my insurance and pre-exsisting conditions.  its still a huge mess..needless to say, my insurance has denied my claim for basic yearly annual physical, and i now owe just short of 1,000 to my primary care, labs, and various other things.  pre-exsistings can kiss my behind.

I didn't watch the debate tonight, but i was interested in the Fact checker part more than i was teh debate, only because politicians like to open their mouths and nothing comes out.  one of the facts that caught my eye was this:

Romney Fact Check #4: Pre-Existing Conditions — 10:20 p.m.:
Governor Romney: Number one, pre existing conditions are covered under my plan.

Z. Byron Wolf has the facts:
Here is an extremely detailed fact check on pre-existing conditions.

Mitt Romney does not think insurance companies should have to cover people with pre-existing conditions who have not had continuous health care coverage.

The Affordable Care Act, on the other hand, created special health care plans in 2010 for people who have pre-existing conditions, and by 2014 it will prohibit insurance companies from denying coverage to anyone because of a pre-existing condition.

It is not a small population who would be cut from health care coverage under a proposal similar to what Romney has suggested. A Health and Human Services report published in January 2011 estimated that between 50 million and 129 million people currently have a pre-existing condition in the eyes of insurance companies. Twenty-five million of those do not have health insurance, according to the report. That number does not take into account those who have had gaps in coverage, suggesting a much larger number of people have pre-existing conditions but have not had continuous coverage.

Continuous coverage generally means having nonstop coverage. Gaps of no more than 63 days can be allowed when changing insurance companies.

But as the Washington Post pointed out, people who have health insurance and a pre-existing condition are largely protected by the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, or HIPAA, which was enacted in 1996, and limits how employer-sponsored plans can deny coverage because of pre-existing conditions, and how far back they can search for them.





ok..so how is romneys plan okay, in any way?  I didnt have insurance for 2 years, i have a pre-exsisting condition, my current and brand new insurance have issues with my pre-exsistings.  i dont know too much about all the details i havent reasearched, but everything ive read, im finding that i'm rooting for the affordable healthcare act.  i really am.  do away with pre-exsistings.  because 1) how many people after being out of work, really have insurance right now? or how many will loose their jobs tomorrow, then find one a few months from now? what happens to the people who beyond their circumstances, havent had continuing coverage, because oh my god, insurance is expensive!  the numbers that would be cut out because of romnes plan, thats like..50-129 million people.. HOW is that okay???


ok..im off my political soapbox rant for today.  i was just really upset to read this, because it hit close to home. 

Warm fuzzies named Stephen

I just wanted to ramble a little bit.  I've been a little talk happy on facebook, mostly because its my place to talk, i don't really write in a journal, I dont really blog anymore.  I know that I overshare, I know that I complain too much, or post too much passive aggressive stuff.  the fact is, im a loner, its me and my son, and theres only so much I can talk about star wars and pirates and legos, without going crazy.  lol  i get overdramatic.  theres a reason for that, its called omg.. im a girl. 

ok, so that being said, im working on it, im taking my life one disaster at a time.  i may have a melt down and a omg what do I do, I may reach out to 600 strangers on the internet, to omg! about it with.  but im trying.  im taking it one day at a time.  one crisis at a time, one financial meltdown at a time.  ill be okay one day.  i know it.

ok so now that ive covered my craziness.  i need to focus for a minute on my warm fuzzies.

my choices in life havent been the best, ive mad a crap load of mistakes.  most of them centered around guys.  ultimately, one of my biggest mistakes gave me the best thing thats ever happened to me.  my son.  he is my whole world.   ive since made choices that have affected how my son and I live, and they havent always been the best.  but, im working on it, one day ill get the whole mommy thing 100% perfected, that will probably be the day after I die when im super old and im looking down on him and his family and how happy he is (i hope!).  right now, we're living in a 1 bedroom apartment, in a new school district, starting 100% fresh, just me and him.  last year, i moved him in the middle of a school year from one district to another, to start our new lives together.  and he fell really behind.  he's repeating this year.  and i just had a conference with his teacher, who absolutely really adores him.  she said he is doing super awesome, she thinks that he is a super good fit in her classroom, and he is doing great.  and it just gives me warm fuzzies.  maybe this craziness in our lives, was worth it?  i know its just the first semester, and stuff, but its a start.  im proud of my son, im proud that he can bounce back so easily, adapt, and embrace, all of the stuff that has happened to him.  im so proud to call him my son, i truely am.  im all mushy, and warm fuzzies about it.  <3 i="i" love="love" my="my" p="p" son.="son.">