I think I hate thanksgiving.

Two years ago today, probably right about this time (9:55am) I get a call from the volusia county sheriff.  I was at my job, entrusting my husband to watch my son, just for a few hours until I could get home and cook thanksgiving dinner.  I'd left the number to the house I was at on the fridge, Stephen led the sheriff to the fridge so he could call me.  They'd found my husband overdosed naked on the side of the road.  my son by himself at the house.  It came out later that my husband sold my laptop, and a friends laptop that we were fixing,  to the local drug dealer took my son to the house to purchase the drugs, proceeded to continue driving around with him, then later, left him alone to do whatever.  DCF was called, after my husband was taken to the hospital, and I had to run home in my employers car, find a place to put stephen, because i was advised that it would be not good to have my son there when jesse got out of the hospital. i spent the entire thanksgiving day crying because i couldnt spend it with my son, my husband, or cook turkey.  Thats also the last time I watched the parade.  I watched it with my employer until I got the call.

Last thanksgiving I spent the morning in the airport, got my mom, she spent it with me, i cooked, it was decent..I had a lot of fun, even the guy I was seeing at the time came over and ate with us i think? or was that the day after, I don't remember.  LOL im getting old.

This thanksgiving my mom is down here living with her husband.  I love having my mom close.  I think though, that since thanksgiving was my favorite holiday growing up, it would continue being my favorite holiday, parade, food, football.  but he wants to watch maury.  and he says "if i want to watch maury in my own house on my own tv on thanksgiving, I will"  so whatever.  im back in the bedroom with my kid watching cartoons on the hub.  no parade, no family time.  whatever.  i miss when I was a kid, going to my grandmas house, eating food watching tv, ending the meal with lots of deserts and christmas deserts to bring in the christmas season.  I really miss my grandma.  I miss my grandfather too.  I wish, more than anything I could go back in time to see them, just one more time.

in the meantime, I think im done with this blasted holiday.  I don't believe in it anymore.

busybusy

The last three months of the year are always insanely busy for me.  Work, school stuff for stephen, holidays, christmas, christmas shopping, all of that fun stuff.  Stress galore.  So I don't think ill be posting much.  I do see the page visits, so I know that I have readers, so yay.  Just thought I'd stop in and post a little something.  I'm still alive! and happy, and content, and all of that fun stuff.

Lesse..updates..

I have a roomie of sorts.  A friend is going through hard times right now, so I'm letting her crash at my place, its been interesting, nice though having companionship.  I don't have internet anymore at home, money woes.  So I get on when I can, or do whatever, when I can.  Mostly I have been just reading or watching tv, or hanging out with Rachel.  It's nice.

Went with mom to get my hair cut at a charity thing this past weekend, and ran into someone who has connections to my best friend when i was a tot.  she gave me my friends married name, and I found her on facebook, that was awesome, it made me really happy, and I'm really glad I could get in touch with her and see how well shes doing.  but talk about blast from the past.  now I just gotta remember what gina's last name was before she moved to colorado.  ugh.

so thats that, i gotta go, bye!  happy holidays if I don't check in.

Whatever

I didn't get to go to my appointment:( gotta reschedule it, the doc had an emergency meeting to go to or something.

I dropped my phone too, it's all cracked up.  So being without internet, and with a broken phone, makes life harder for me.

My ex is still creating drama.  Now I know why everyone was asking me Wtf?  He's got some sort of magical powers that charms girls to see what he wants.  He makes himself out to be the victim or something? Dunno, I can't quite figure it out.  I'm over it.  Aside from all that he put me through, he's not a good man if he's gunna go dating someone while telling me she's just the hired help.  Deny that the girl is his gf, and tell me he still loves me.  Lol.  Whatever.  He's not my problem anymore, he's hers.  ***updatedtoadd* just talked a long time to robin, and jesse, his so called gf is off her rocker.  thinks she owns Jesse.  he thinks she's crazy, and his mom hates her.  I kinda feel bad for her now actually.  she seems to be missing a few screws. ohwell, it was nice to talk to robin, I really miss her, she was the best motherinlaw ever.

Other than that usual batch of bs, I'm doing fantastic.  Started on b-12 shots and vitamin d, both which were deficient.  I'm feeling a billion times better these days. A little too hyper and restless with energy, but better.

Today, my kid wanted to go to the library.  He's becoming a pro at searching what topic he wants, and getting the book.  The book worm in me is so proud.

his books

my books

Content

There comes a point where you stop and say "I'm done" it can be anything, relationships, friendships, food, cigarettes, drugs, whatever.  When you reach that point, conquer it, and move on, and reach the moment of contentment, I'm thinking it's going to be awesome.  I'm still trying to reach that point.  Every time I quit and walk away, there's always the aftereffects to deal with.

I walked away from a two year relationship that was abusive, and manipulative.  Where I was cheated on, and given an std.  From there I went to another emotionally abusive, manipulative relationship.  The two were the same, with Jason it was alcohol and girls.  With Jesse it was drugs, and if rumors were true, he sold his body for drugs.  Both stole from me, money, pawned my stuff, and both wrecked my vehicle, which in return caused it to be repossessed.  I have two repossessions.  I have untold amounts of debts.  I ran a credit report the other night, it's just awful.  I had great credit before this.  A year ago I was able to get financed at a car dealership after the crap I was driving died a painful death, with a beyond ridiculous payment amount.  I'm trying to refinance, no one will touch me.  All the bills I wasn't able to pay because I was too busy paying for their bad habits are killing me.

The stress, the ptsd with flashbacks and all.  Every thing that was ever said to me.  Every hit that was ever hit at me, every time they said that I was lucky to be with them.  All the financial stress they gave me.  I'm still dealing with it.  I'm over medicated, over diagnosed, and over it.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a psychologist, my second one.  This one is supposed to evaluate me for add, or autism, or depressive disorder.  I've already got ptsd, but I'm getting evaled for others. I'm so ready to be done and over it.  They tell me I'll have the emotional scars forever. They tell me, it never quite goes away.  Because of the choices I made, I'm forever labeled.  I'm forever scarred.  I'm forever distrustful. Well I end up old and alone?  Probably.  The one guy I dated after Jesse ended up scarring me too.  The second one gave up and turned around and started dating someone else telling me he gives up because I didn't feel ready.  Just when I was this close to BEING ready.  The other one I was talking to heard about the std and ran away.

I'm trying so hard to be positive and uplifting in the face of every dang thing that's ever happened to me.  But I'm still working on it, and apparently I will be forever.  I'm so ready to reach that contented point.  I'm tired, just tired of struggling.  Tired of taking medication every day, tired of being frustrated because I can't cook a full proper meal for my son every night because I can't pay the bills, because of other people and their addictions.

And I fully resent my ex's.  Both of them are free to move on, albeit one is in prison.  The other is free to bad mouth me, blame his problems on me, or whatever else he's saying or doing.  I resent I did everything for him, and he's got the nerve, to set his new girlfriend on me.  I really resent that they don't have to pay, they don't have to pay me back, for the bills I never paid, for the cars they wrecked and the hit on my insurance, the repossessions.  They don't have to pay me back.  They walk away, free and clear to start a new life.  Eff that.

So clearly I have done material for my head doctor tomorrow.  But hopefully she will help me work things out.  And maybe then I can be content.

Positivity

I went through my blog recently, to hide posts that I didn't really want noisy people to read about.  I came across my "happiness" posts.  I think it was a blogging dad back then, but it was so nice to gush about the positive things in my life.  I'd like to do it again.

On Facebook, every day in November I usually post something that I am thankful for. So when I blog, it may very well be similar to my Facebook.

Today, my happiness is directed to my son.  He is #1.  I really think that if I didn't have him,I would have checked out a long time ago. With everything I've been through my whole life, and more recently the past 10-15 years, he is the one constant that keeps me anchored.  He inspires me, and makes me strive to be better. 

When I'm feeling down and out. When life kicks me in the rear like it's fond of doing, his smile and "mommy I love you" makes it better.  He loves me no matter what.  The choices I make, the mood I'm in, no matter what, he loves me.  He tries so hard to step up and be the man of the house. He tries to take care of me, even by offering me half of his favorite piece of candy.  his manners ate impeccable, he thanks people, without me prompting him to.  He is considerate, and doesn't discriminate against anyone in regards to age or race.  He's a great kid.I am so proud of him.  Without him I don't know who I would be.  From the moment I became a mom, I can't remeber my life from before, or how I managed it.