Black and White

Sometimes when I look at Stephen I don't see autism, I don't see Aspergers.  I see a normal boy, with no challenges, just that he is who he is.  I love him no matter what, regardless of what label is attached to him.  He's so much amazingness all wrapped up in this gigantic ball of boy, all arms and legs and taller than I would expect him to be at this age.  Even though I see all this normalness and amazingness in him, there are times when it smacks me right in the face again, boom..there's the aspergers.

He has always enjoyed music.  More recently his passion has become classical, and to narrow it down even further, the organ.  He wants to learn how to play the organ.  This is his music instrument of choice when it comes to listening at night as he sleeps, or when he's in a place that is too loud and has to put music on with his headphones.  It's his go to when he has a meltdown and needs to step back and calm down.  It sounds like an awful racket to me, but he loves it.  This weekend I thought about going into a music store in town and inquiring about lessons.  He went with me of course, because he was excited about the possibility .   When we got there he went and ogled the guitar.  Guitar has also been a lifelong wish to learn as well.  So I inquired about lessons.  And that's when it hit, the big revelation that my kid has Autism.

There is often a hard line between black and white with kids with Aspergers.  They have a hard time seeing the grey.  On this particular instance, the man told us that there isn't any organ lessons, but there are dozens of teachers that teach piano lessons.  He kept asking about the organ, where he can go to learn, etc.  The man tried to tell him that the piano is the same, except extra keys.  I could tell though, Stephen no longer wanted lessons from this place.  He doesn't see it has a piano can give him a foundation to the next instrument, its organ or nothing.  I was going to get him lessons, maybe start right then because there was a instructor available, but nope, he was ready to go.  I told him to think about it, but it's clear the window has passed.  He doesn't want music lessons anymore.  Maybe one day the guitar will come back around, but the idea of learning a piano instead of an organ isn't as appealing.  He said he wanted to think about it, but I know him, I don't think it will happen any time soon.  It sucks.  I think he would enjoy it.

I'm trying to get him out there, lessons, either music, or basketball, or cooking lessons, something to get him socializing and learning something that he enjoys, get him out of the house.  I may be shelving the musical lessons for the time being, but he seemed excited about cooking lessons, so I'm online googling up a storm!  Hopefully the black and white won't trip us up again.

Trials and Tribulations

When you are a parent, either single or a double parent, there are many trials and tribulations that you can face when raising a child.  You watch your child go through milestones, go through make up and break ups of friendships, succeeding or struggling in school.  So many things parents go through, at all levels of difficulties.  For me, watching my kiddo struggle in areas that come so easily to people, is the hardest thing I ever have experienced in my life.

He's been diagnosed with Autism (aspergers or ASD) ADD, dyslexia and dysgraphia.  School is a constant struggle for him, and now that he's growing older, some of the challenges I see him face aren't just academic.  I had a meeting this morning with his school, it was for the 504 plan he had in place, they were regrouping and updating and making sure that everything is going okay.   Academically I think he's doing pretty good, his biggest challenges are tests and turning in assignments/homework.  He came to the meeting, he had some input, and one of the things he said was absolutely heartbreaking.

He's struggling socially.  He has no friends.  It's so hard for me to type that.  When we were in elementary school and karate, he had friends, mostly karate friends, friends that he did things with.  Those friends are starting to get older and are outgrowing the things that Stephen loves so much.  He's almost a teenager, but he still loves legos.   He went to a friends house this weekend while I got my car fixed and he left so depressed, because his two friends were more interested in playing video games against each other than play with him.  He feels like he's not friends with them anymore.  And today at the meeting he told them that he sits by himself at lunch, he doesn't have anyone to talk to or socialize with, everyone thinks he's weird.  As a mom, that is just so freaking heartbreaking, I'm just tearing up thinking about it.

I knew it was coming, because people with ASD tend to have a hard time socially, and they tend to think about things on a different level, and his lego passion is a childs thing, whereas people in middle school have moved on.

It just hurts.  I needed to process this and vent it, decided to do it on a blog here.  His school has assigned him a social worker, and theres still now IEP in sight despite a letter and a prescription with his diagnosis on it, he's got to go through intervention process again, and even though he's been in intervention 5 years now, it doesn't really matter because he's in a new school, new district, so he starts all over again.  ugh.  but the social worker is supposed to help with social skills and things like that, so im hopeful.