Sometimes I have a hard time silencing that tiny little voice in my head that sometimes just HAS to be heard. Most moms have it I'm told. The voice that is way deep down in this tiny little box yelling "WHAT ABOUT ME!?!?!" The voice that is usually silenced so that a mom can place her child's needs and her families needs above her own. A few days ago deep down inside me, MY box burst open and out came that voice. I want a few small things, that's all. My needs are relatively simple.
1.) Since I've met my husband, I've had exactly one haircut. The entire time I've known him, he's had several, so has my son, I've had one..ONE. I would like a haircut. Maybe even throw an eyebrow wax in with that, because I look like a hairy monster, I can't find any tweezers, I know where one pair is, and it's in my husbands toolbox, which he uses as a tool, and that one is not getting anywhere near my eyebrows. Not that I have the time to pluck them sometimes, because when I think about it, is usually when I have a 5 year old running around, and his favorite thing to do is hit me in the arm to try and get my attention..he hits hard, and yells MOMMY! tweezers are NOT going near my eyebrow when I'm getting hit in the arm.
2.) I also would like a doctors visit. I haven't been to a regular doctor in a while, and I'm overdue for my OBGYN appointment by several months. My problem I am having right now, I have something in my neck, its swollen about the size of a strawberry, and hurts like heck, and is affecting my hearing, and is giving me these monster headaches and makes me cranky. I'm living on tylenol and IB profuen, when I can get it, because my husband is also prone to taking more than four pills due to headaches (most often caffeine related) And it's affecting my sleep, sometimes the throbbing wakes me up.It's probably something simple, like a swollen lymph node, however sometimes when the pain is particularly bad, my imagination runs wild and I imagine I'm seconds away from an exploding tumor or something. Either way, it'd be nice to get this thing looked at and possibly some kinda of treatment started, and I don't feel like it warrants a ER visit, besides, how would I get to the ER? I'm NOT calling a ambulance.
3.) I would like a bike. Our family has one method of transportation. My car. Fortunately for my husband he has a job, he has to drive to Daytona every day, from 5:00am to about 5:30pm every day. Unfortunately for me, that leaves me with no transportation. I could use the exercise of walking down to the store if I need something, but it's been raining every single day the past few weeks, and I don't really feel like getting drenched for something like milk. I need a bike. preferably by the 7th of October. I have a parent/teacher meeting with my sons teacher at 3:30pm, and it's not looking like its going to get rescheduled, so I need to somehow find a way down there, and it's looking like I need a bike so I can cycle myself down there. Maybe if I leave early in the morning I can make it there by the time school gets out. I remember days when I was younger and I rode a bike from Holly Hill to beyond Port Orange with my friends, I think I can handle 5-10 miles from here to Stephens school.
4.) I want a book. I want to go to this brand new used book store that opened up down the road. Instead of my husband spending 2.99 on some energy drink, I want to take that 2.99 and go to the used book store, and browse (kid less preferably, so I can take my time) and pick out a book, hand over money and walk out of the store with my purchase. It's been a very very long time since I've bought something for myself. Usually I'm buying toys for Stephen, or school supplies, or food for Stephen. If I am not buying for Stephen, I'm buying for Jesse, cigarettes, energy drinks, prescriptions, doctors appointments, meetings, drivers licensee things, etcetc. all of the hundreds of thousands of dollars we've spent on Jesse's things, and Stephens things the past 14 months, just once I'd like to walk in the store and buy a book. I'm not saying that I haven't spent money on things like Dr. Pepper or a box of Publix cookies, or whatever for myself, but I can't remember the last time I went to the store with money, with myself in mind, for something superficial like a book.
That's it. That's all I need.
I lied..
5.) I need sleep. I need one day of pure, uninterrupted sleep, from whatever time I go to bed, until whenever my eyes open. I want sleep, I want to be my husband right now. It's 10:32am and he's asleep, I've been up since 8am, when Stephen stuck hand on my arm and started slapping me. Then after that my chicken hopped on the bed and started squawking in my ear. yesterday I woke up at 7:45am. every day before that I woke up at 4:06am (when my alarm goes off, to get my husband up) and I don't get to go back to sleep. Once that stupid alarm goes off, I'm up, once my kid starts slapping me on the arm, I'm up. I want ONE day of no interruptions, I want to sleep in.
Probably number 5 is the main reason I'm whining about the things I want. Maybe if I got more than a couple of hours of sleep, and I slept deeply and all night, until a time when my eyes decided to open on their own, it would be SO much easier to silence the tiny voice, and stuff it back in the box deep down inside me, and quit sounding like a whining brat, which during a particularly nasty fight about all of these things above last night, my husband called me childish and ridiculous, because I don't feel like talking about all of this out loud, so I like to just sulk and watch TV and try to get over the funk, when all he wants to do is talk about it, which one part of me knows it, because heaven forbid I want something for myself, and when I realize it, I don't want to talk about it, because I just plain whine and sound like a baby.
Ok, I am tired, I have a headache, my kid doesn't wanna do something like watch TV so I can doze, he wants to stand next to me and slap my arm silly, my husbands asleep, and I'm not in a good mood, so I am going to go ahead and sign off, and hopefully be in a better mood later.
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