a year ago

This year Stephen will be Darth Vader.  first year in forever he hasnt been something with the pirate theme.  earlier, i started thinking about last year and how I actually made his costume.  vs this year, where I had to buy it, cause darth vader to me is just not homemadeable:)  i got on facebook and started browsing my pictures, and got lost in the memories.

 

A year ago today my baby was Captain Jack Sparrow.   I worked hard on the costume and was darn proud.  A year ago I lived in oak hill, with a husband, and a house.  i only had a month left to live in that house, with that husband, and I didn't know it.  that night though, i was insanely happy.  I made my son really happy with that costume.  he still talks about it even today. 

It's amazing though, looking back at the pictures, how much has changed.  I know I got out of a bad bad situation, I know it, but i am nostalgic.  especially as I come up on all these holidays.  it'll be my first holiday really by myself, ever.  i've always lived with someone during the holidays.   tonight is the first time im going out by myself, ever trick or treating with Stephen.  The upcoming months ill be doing everything by myself.  Stephen and I will be decorated for the holidays, shopping for the holidays, all by ourselves.  I'll experience trying to come up with a few presents under the tree for Stephen and trying to find a hiding spot, not to mention how to actually SHOP without him knowing what im buying.  trying to come up with the money on my own, plus pay bills.  no one to really talk to about it, cause lord knows i whine enough to the people I *DO* talk to about it, and im tired of being a whiney baby about money.

The changes this year has been astounding, I don't know why i havent had some major breakdown by now.  If i didnt have bad luck, i'd swear i didn't have any luck at all.  it just goes to show you though, how much life doesn't stay the same, the earth is constantly spinning, and we are spinning along with it.  i dont know what the next few months will bring me, how i will be able to do anything, what will happen, i dont know what next year will bring me.  i wonder if i'll still be here, i don't know.  hopefully the future will be good to me. 

I hope that im still in this area though, i had a parent teacher conference today, and im amazed at all the positive good things she had to say about stephen and how well he's doing.  im going to fight like heck to keep us here..this school district is AWESOME.

Single Motherhood

Usually, I am exteremly paitent, I have to be, I have a 7 year old son.  today, my patience has worn paper thin to the point of snapping.  So instead of being a grump out loud, I will be a grump to a blog.  I don't think anyone really follows or it reads it, so its almost like a private vent? maybe?  Today my blog will be about single momhood.

Its bloody hard.  I swear.  I'd say that I don't get how single moms do it, but then reality slaps me in the face, or a small hand anyways, and I'm a single mom.  I'm blogging currently with my childs feet on my left forearm, with the word "mommy, mommy, mommy!" coming out of his mouth every two seconds, then if i dont answer him right away he uses that moment to climb on my lap and squeeze my cheeks and block my view of the screen, demanding attention 24/7. 

 me blogging with an attachment.

Stinky single mother hood??  here's some of the hardest points I can think of.

1) certain friends and prospective dates just can't handle reality.  in the past few months, seen two people talking about not being sure about hanging out with someone with a kid,  kids interfere with lifestyles, and not being comfortable or knowing how to act around kids.  which is okay, fine even, because pre-stephen, i said the same crap.  if a friend of mine brought her kid around i was akward and fumbly and didnt know what to do.  so all i got to say about that is, you know what? your loss..cause I am a really great person.  im loyal as heck to my son, i can be loyal as heck to a friend or boyfriend.  just sayin.  and i have learned how to love committedly, because i love my son for life, im not fickle about love anymore.  i don't feel like i should have to beg for friendship, i feel like i should be accepted for who I am, and who I am, fortunately, is a mom.  i do have some friends that are moms, so i understand when they cant do something, they have their own family to deal with.. which unfortunately makes me feel awfully friendless and lonely.

2) money, and doing it yourself.  money sucks.  having not enough money to pay for things your kid enjoys, like cable tv, sucks harder.  and when a sperm donor decides, omg i have a sniffle, i cant go to work, thats a week without childsupport i dont get.  or i get a random out of the blue text telling me he wants to lower child support payments, because he has his two other kids to feed, plus his newest girlfriends three kids to feed, and cant afford it.  hello..get SNIPPED jacktwat.   ever heard of a 2nd job?  or how about finding a g/f who actually works, so you dont have to support her kids for her.  and the fact that you haven't seen stephen in 7 years?  and use the excuse of wanting to get to know him, to text me to let me know, oh..by the way, im taking you to court cause i dont wanna pay anymore, cause woe is me whine whine whine.  suck it up and be a man. and taking a week off for a sniffle?  please.  i was sick all week too, and the only time i took off was when they sent me home, and when i HAD to, because of teacher duty day.  so what was my orignial vent about?  oh yeah, money.  recently i've had to get rid of a junker car that stopped working, I got a safer car, and a car payment, and headache issues with the financer because of my past, and they are ON POINT with making my life heck, because of it..right down to getting my car insurance to charge me out of the blue with my remainder of my premium.  so instead of paying my usual one month payment I have to come up with 3 months of payments, by the 25th of october.  thats 4 days away.  yeah, that'll happen.  so now what will happen, is ill loose my license, and my brand new car wont be drivable, ill loose my job for lack of transportation, and ill be on the streets.  so.  FML right?  trying to determine what to get rid of, and unfortunately, cable/internet and my cell phone has got to go.  extra expenses i dont need, until I get back on my feet.  and its all me, weather or not we have a roof over our head, or food in our bellies, its up to me, and whoever i borrow money from:P 


pause for a minute, i got a kid wanting juice.

 

3) not getting a break.  I think that I haven't had a true break, to where i can just up and go somewhere by myself, in over 6 months really.  because I lived at my aunts house briefly, and it got real bad to the point where i would go with stephen to spend the weekend at my dads house, just to get away and not be in that house.    and because i love my dad and stepmom and they took custody of my dog, i still go over there every time stephen does, so i havent had a real break in a while..so now here I am, we're around each other from 530pm to 7am on weekdays, and every waking moment on weekends.  literally, cause we have a 1 bedroom apartment that we share a room.  and this weekend happens to be a three day weekend, cause of teacher duty day on friday.  so we're driving each other absolutely bonkers.   BONKERS.  he needs a break i need a break, but unforunately because of #2, we cant really go anywhere. 

next week my dad is going to take him, cause of another teacher duty day.  he'll get him thursday, ill be alone thursday night to sleep, then friday ill work, then ill have to go get him.  then november 10th ill have to find a babysitter for the weekend cause my friend jean is going to come over and spend the weekend with me!

pause for a minute..my kid needs a hug cause his throat hurts.

i think what i need to have happen right now, is i need to go to work, and send him to school, and at least get 8 hours of break. 

and all that being said..flip side of the arguement.

I love my son, more than anything, he is MINE.  no one can bash him, pick on him, talk bad to him, or complain about him except for me.  HE is MINE.  if you do it, and I know about it?? you don't want to know what will happen.  you won't be around this world much longer.  i love him.  yeah, when i was younger i used to be scared of kids, never wanted any kids ever,then i had him, my little oops! and he became my own.  he's all me, total mini me.  yeah it can be hard, not having the ability to do what i want, when i want it, but i cant explain it.. he just makes it all go away.  ill be steaming mad and claustrophobic in the house one minute, then the next minute, something like this will happen.

 

 

he and I, we will be okay, we're a unit.  we may not be a family with three, and have a little less stress in our life, but we're a unit.  a family.  one day ill loose all the losers in my life that have a problem with my unit.. one day i may even meet a man who will be a man, and take a chance and learn to love both me and my son, and treat me the way I so badly want to be treated.   ill continue my weekly stress and struggles with money, but one day I have to believe, we'll be okay.  as long as my rent gets paid, the electric.  i dont know what will happen in the future, i dont know what being a mommys boy will do to him, i dont know who he will become, or what he will be, I do know that no matter WHAT, I will love him, I'll love him if he's #1 quarterback in the nation in NFL, i'll love him if he's on death row.  I will love him, totally, and unconditionally.  forever.

stephen doesnt take anything away from my life, he doesn't inconvience me, except when i have to go to the bathroom and there he is wanting attention.  he doesn't.  he makes it better, with the things that comes out of his mouth, the daily things he does or says that when it doesnt matter how bad of a day I had, he can make me truly laugh like i havent ever.

i have to go now, my son needs me, he doesn't feel well, and its taken me about two hours to write this.  I do feel better though.  I do.  thanks for listening.  and pretend I never said any of it, cause those are evil bad thoughts and I need to smile and be lovely all the time, since im a mom:) 

Pre-exsisting conditions

I recently had this huge issue with my insurance and pre-exsisting conditions.  its still a huge mess..needless to say, my insurance has denied my claim for basic yearly annual physical, and i now owe just short of 1,000 to my primary care, labs, and various other things.  pre-exsistings can kiss my behind.

I didn't watch the debate tonight, but i was interested in the Fact checker part more than i was teh debate, only because politicians like to open their mouths and nothing comes out.  one of the facts that caught my eye was this:

Romney Fact Check #4: Pre-Existing Conditions — 10:20 p.m.:
Governor Romney: Number one, pre existing conditions are covered under my plan.

Z. Byron Wolf has the facts:
Here is an extremely detailed fact check on pre-existing conditions.

Mitt Romney does not think insurance companies should have to cover people with pre-existing conditions who have not had continuous health care coverage.

The Affordable Care Act, on the other hand, created special health care plans in 2010 for people who have pre-existing conditions, and by 2014 it will prohibit insurance companies from denying coverage to anyone because of a pre-existing condition.

It is not a small population who would be cut from health care coverage under a proposal similar to what Romney has suggested. A Health and Human Services report published in January 2011 estimated that between 50 million and 129 million people currently have a pre-existing condition in the eyes of insurance companies. Twenty-five million of those do not have health insurance, according to the report. That number does not take into account those who have had gaps in coverage, suggesting a much larger number of people have pre-existing conditions but have not had continuous coverage.

Continuous coverage generally means having nonstop coverage. Gaps of no more than 63 days can be allowed when changing insurance companies.

But as the Washington Post pointed out, people who have health insurance and a pre-existing condition are largely protected by the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, or HIPAA, which was enacted in 1996, and limits how employer-sponsored plans can deny coverage because of pre-existing conditions, and how far back they can search for them.





ok..so how is romneys plan okay, in any way?  I didnt have insurance for 2 years, i have a pre-exsisting condition, my current and brand new insurance have issues with my pre-exsistings.  i dont know too much about all the details i havent reasearched, but everything ive read, im finding that i'm rooting for the affordable healthcare act.  i really am.  do away with pre-exsistings.  because 1) how many people after being out of work, really have insurance right now? or how many will loose their jobs tomorrow, then find one a few months from now? what happens to the people who beyond their circumstances, havent had continuing coverage, because oh my god, insurance is expensive!  the numbers that would be cut out because of romnes plan, thats like..50-129 million people.. HOW is that okay???


ok..im off my political soapbox rant for today.  i was just really upset to read this, because it hit close to home. 

Warm fuzzies named Stephen

I just wanted to ramble a little bit.  I've been a little talk happy on facebook, mostly because its my place to talk, i don't really write in a journal, I dont really blog anymore.  I know that I overshare, I know that I complain too much, or post too much passive aggressive stuff.  the fact is, im a loner, its me and my son, and theres only so much I can talk about star wars and pirates and legos, without going crazy.  lol  i get overdramatic.  theres a reason for that, its called omg.. im a girl. 

ok, so that being said, im working on it, im taking my life one disaster at a time.  i may have a melt down and a omg what do I do, I may reach out to 600 strangers on the internet, to omg! about it with.  but im trying.  im taking it one day at a time.  one crisis at a time, one financial meltdown at a time.  ill be okay one day.  i know it.

ok so now that ive covered my craziness.  i need to focus for a minute on my warm fuzzies.

my choices in life havent been the best, ive mad a crap load of mistakes.  most of them centered around guys.  ultimately, one of my biggest mistakes gave me the best thing thats ever happened to me.  my son.  he is my whole world.   ive since made choices that have affected how my son and I live, and they havent always been the best.  but, im working on it, one day ill get the whole mommy thing 100% perfected, that will probably be the day after I die when im super old and im looking down on him and his family and how happy he is (i hope!).  right now, we're living in a 1 bedroom apartment, in a new school district, starting 100% fresh, just me and him.  last year, i moved him in the middle of a school year from one district to another, to start our new lives together.  and he fell really behind.  he's repeating this year.  and i just had a conference with his teacher, who absolutely really adores him.  she said he is doing super awesome, she thinks that he is a super good fit in her classroom, and he is doing great.  and it just gives me warm fuzzies.  maybe this craziness in our lives, was worth it?  i know its just the first semester, and stuff, but its a start.  im proud of my son, im proud that he can bounce back so easily, adapt, and embrace, all of the stuff that has happened to him.  im so proud to call him my son, i truely am.  im all mushy, and warm fuzzies about it.  <3 i="i" love="love" my="my" p="p" son.="son.">

A good message

I get to work this morning,and my job has this thing every now and then, a mass spam email that is supposed to be words of encouragement and enlightment..anyways so I get to work this moning and check my email..and the message for today was this:

Are you ready for a new chapter in your life? In order to move forward itno new blessings you have to be willing to let go of the old.  The things that are behind you are not nearly as important as what is right in front of you.  It's time to get ready for the "new"!

You may have had some unfair things happen, things that you don't understand.  but you have come too far to allow them to hold you back or to stop now.  Instead of allowing those things to hold you back, why don't you let go and take a step of faith into something new?  It's time to get a new, bigger vision; its tme to get a new fresher outlook; to rise to a new attitude.  Instead of settling where you are, pick up and move forward.  Have the attitude that says, "I may not understand it, but I am moving forward to greater things." God has a new chapter for you- a chapter filled with blessings.

All my blubbering last night about closed doors and things like that, then I get to work and read this email. 

I'm depressed today, he left, he's no longer in Florida, the email probably would have impacted me far harder tomorrow than it would have today, but even so, all day long I thought about the email.  What are the chances that the email would have came today, of all days, the day after I said my goodbyes and realized that a chapter had ended in my life?

I must go to bed now, I'm really tired, I just felt compelled to write about this email.  all day long I wanted to blog about it, it's insane the conversation I kept having with myself in my head to stop myself from going to the bathroom to blog.   :)

Heard a door close today.

Today, was probably one of the most emotional days I've face in a long time, and that's saying a lot, considering everything I have been through the past year or so.  I spent the day with my ex husband today, who is doing very very badly healthwise.  it's so dang hard watching it.   I helped him pack his stuff, I fed him, I made him shower, and I spent time with him..and when I drove away, I could swear I heard a door click shut. 

Although its not a real door, another chapter of my life closed today.. even though we're divorced, and have been living seperately for 6 months now, and I've already moved on to the next chapter, Jesse was still there, I still in the back of my mind, had insane high hopes of reconciliation.  We were so good together, he and I..and Stephen adored him, our memories were full..both of good and bad.  He's moving to New York tomorrow.  It's a huge change..I sorta feel like i've lost him all over again, even though we're not together, he was still close enough to go visit if I wanted to.

I said goodbye today, to a lot of things, to Oak Hill.. to the places I frequented..I even visited my chicken Morkie, and said goodbye to her.  Since Jesse won't be there anymore, I probably can't see myself going to Oak Hill again any time soon.  It was so sad.  i hated that town with a passion, yet its a beautiful little town full of memories.

It's going to be hard not having him so close, we were together a short time, not 50 years or anything in the scheme of things, but in the time that we were together, it was intense, I felt with every fiber of my being that he is my soul mate.  I loved him that deeply, another reason why I stayed with him so long.  I know a lot of people who know what he put me through, don't understand, and would be upset with me for being upset that he's leaving.  It is what it is though.  maybe if he moved away and met someone else and moved on, and I eventually did he same, I could look back and see that maybe he wasn't the one for me, but right now, I can't see it.  I love him, and I have a hard time seeing beyond that.  I do recognize that he needs help, and it'll take a lot for us to get back together.. I do see that.  It's why I'm not with him now.

I'm tired of love stuff.  but I know that if i make choices that are loveless then it always ends up in disaster for me.  my choices suck in life.  I can't wait until I get insurance, I'm so going to get a shrink LOL.

I'm just rambling right now, I'm back and forth and bouncing around with my emotions.  I'm going to be like this for the next few days I think.  Bursting out crying out of no where.  He flies out tomorrow at 8pm.   I think I'm scheduled upstairs tomorrow at work, it's a good thing, I don't think I'm going to want to be bothered by anyone.

Testing

I have just discovered that my iPhone will let me blog on the go. My mom likes it when I blog. She's stalker like that. I love her anyways. So maybe I will start up again. Especially now that I know I can blog anywhere, any time. Even on the potty!

Pepto Bismol

The past few weeks I have been feeling miserable.  Horribly Miserable..stomach issues, intestinal stuff, whatever.  Some fevers now and then, feeling run down, loosing weight (i wont complain about that one too much) I'm over it.   My aunt produced for me some Pepto Bismol.  and..omg relief!  who knew!? Seriously!  why didn't I think of that sooner?

hi again!

I got a email about the new blogging thing, my blog has been changed to having something to do with Google or something, which made remember I even had a blog. so here I am, blogging again. i dont like the new format. that is all.

Emerald Cards from HR Block- my review

**Disclaimer** my laptop/keyboard is fritzing on me, soif you notice that some words have letters missing out of them, or the space doesn't work..its NOT my fault, its almost like I type too fast for my laptop to keep up, and im too impatient to keep backspacing. thanks.

so..HR Block..

I think it sucks. I go to HR Block, I have for years, only because every time I try and do it myself, it ends in disaster. last year I tried to file my self, then gave up and went to HR Block, and found that I would have lost about 2k last year, had I filed the way I thought I should. This year, instead of filing for myself, because I had no clue about what to do, my divrce was finalized 1/31/12, I was in the middle of last name changes, I had no idea what to file as and who to file as. So back to HR Block I went.

My experience was horrible. They had no clue either, they were confused as to if I should file married but seperated or whatever, or single, or they even tried to get me to go get my ex husband and file jointly. yeah im SO doing that one. so they finally determined to file me as single, and I think just from this debate alone, I will probably be audited, and im hesitant to spend one single penny I get from my taxes in fear that I'll have to pay something back. they weren't interested in my student loan tax form, and they weren't interested in my moving expenses. o course I didn't work this past year, except my part time job that screwed up my withholdings, so I didn't get earned income tax credit or anything, so my amount I got back was like, so tiny.

this year I also opted to go ahead and do the emerald card. bigbigbig mistake. not only was the fee insane for HR block, which every year prior wasokay with me, because if I got the extra 2k I woulda lost by filing myself, it woulda been okay, but this year I had to pay out my behind fees for Hr Block, I opted for the card cause it woulda came two weeks sooner than a check or direct deposit. of course the IRS didn't cooperate with me, and had a delay anyways..so I shoulda just went with a direct deposit.

so today as I was bank shopping, I decided to try and prepare myself to withdraw the money out of the card..i went to several ATMs, most atms believe it or notonly have a 200-300 limit..plus the fees would amount to 5 bucks to withdraw that..so if I wanted to withdraw 600 bucks thats 10 bucks! geeze! it was insane. tihs card is definately NOT for someone who wants to just take all the money out and pay bills or split up to put in accounts, or whatever..this card is for smoeone who will use it as a debit card..cause getting the entire amount off, is going to be a really tough thing.

the cheapest place Ive found, is walmart..their money center will take up to 1k out at a time..with a 3 dollar fee. you can only take out 3k a day. so no matter what I do, If I want my hands on the full amount,I have to be prepared to loose some of my hard earned money, money I deserve.

so not only do I loose out n the HR block fees, but I loose out on the fee's its going to cost me to physically hold cash in my hands. and HR block won't do anything about the rediculous fees that they charged me to have my money early, because the IRS delay was out of their hans, and their estimated date is exactly that, a estimation date.

grr. never again. I need to find someone who is awesome and cheap for next year.

Gluten free cookies verdict

My little judge ate some today to decide for himself, and apparently I'm now the worlds best cookie maker and I have to make those cookies all the time my littl man warms my heart for sure.

no cooking for me today, it was a day of bad news. and being busy my car is on the way to the cargrave. so many things wrong with it, and im stressed to the max, depressed, overwhelmed. i don't have the money to fix it, and frankly I don't feel the piece of metal is worth fixing. i can get a new car for all that would go into fixing it this past year. it'd probably take about 2k to fix all the problems and issues on my car.

right after being slammed with that bit of joy, i had stuff to do, stephens family night book fair was tonight, then i joined a divorce support group at the church, that was tonight too, so life got real busy real quick, so..for dinner, I had Chick Fil A!!!! yay! They have a gluten free menu, and their kids menu even had something

I had the grilled chicken sandwhich, no bun. their fries are gluten free..and their ice cream is gluten free. yay!

so the book fair was interesting, brings me back to my book fair days and wanting to buy everythig with words..

and i think the divorce group will be good for me..tonigt was mostly introductions, so but i cant wait until next thursday

Gluten Free Peanut Butter chocolate chip cookies

I tried my hand at baking tonight, first time EVER, cause im addicted to chocolate chip cookies that are insanely good (and gluten free!)

so here is how its supposed to look


recipe:
4 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
3/4 cup creamy peanut butter
1 large egg
1/2 cup packed dark brown sugar
1/4 cup brown rice flour
pinch of fine sea salt
1/4 teaspon baking powde
1/2 cup 60% dak chocolate chips
1/2 cip peacans or walnuts(optional-i opped out)

1. preheat oven 350 line two large baking sheets with parchment paper
2. using wooden spoon cream te butter until smoth beat in the peanut butter then the egg, add the brown sugar, rice flour, salt and baking powder,and stir to blend.
3. stir in the chocolate chips and nuts. the dough will be soft and sticky, drop by the rouded tablepoon onto baking sheets, 2 inches apart using a secon spoon to shape he doughinto a ball and dislodgeit. bake until golden nd just set, 12 to 15 minutes. let stand on the baking sheets for 5 minutes before trnsferring to a wire rack to cool completely.


ok did all that, and before i could get it on the cookie sheet, i felt wierd about the cookies..this is what they looked like in the bowl..


and here are what they looked likeout of the oven



i'd do things different for the next one..first of all, the recipe called for 60% dark choolate chips..i couldnt find them anywhere so I had to go with semi sweet 45%..but the chocolate chips were just not good, it almost tasted like bakers chocolate. it didnt go good with the dough, it made the cookie very very very strong, almost overpowered the peanut butter taste.. the dough itself was really good, if i can do it again with different chocolate chips it might work out reallyreally well. stephen hasnt taste tested it yet, so i dont know if its a hit or not, but for me its 50/50.

I've forgotten this blog..but im back again!

my keyboard is on the fritz..so if my words aren't all capitalized, or if im missing letters here and there, its NOT my fault, and im too lazy to proofread.

A speedy update- I recently obtained a divorce. yep. im back to being a single mom. I won't go into the messy drama details, but there it is, im single. I moved in with my aunt, its been a challenge, going from basically living on my own for years and years, to having to answer to someone. its been hard.

I started a Gluten free diet also. going from someone who lived off of easy simple things like spaghetti and mac and cheese, to having to figure out how to cook and what to cook. I've checked out just about every single gluten free cookbook or book the the county library system offers, and what dissapoints me, is out of all these cookbooks, theres really not much that i would want to cook. how many people regularly cook things like goat cheese omelette? or grape leaf rolls? seriously. i need a cookbook that has stuff like chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, some kinda bbq chicken or even a book of slow cooker recipes. for the poor people that don't have time to sit and sift four different kind of flour substitutes to make a certain flour substitute for a recipe. for the things that are already in your pantry, so you dont have to drive miles out of your way to find a health food store to look for gluten free rice paper, beause publix and winn dixe sure wouldn't have anything like that. i went to the health food store yesterday, which is about 20 minutes away, not counting the traffic lights and the insane traffic that i dealth with, all the gas i used to get up there..getting all my ingredients for the dinner im making tonigt, plus i thought i'd try my hand at peanut butter choclate chip cookies..just for dinner/dessert it came out to be 50 bucks. WTF? i could take stephen to chilis and eat off the gluten free menu for five nights on what i made tonight. and it wasn't even a hit..stephen didnt like it.

here's what I made

Three cheese Penne

Ingridents:
2 teas olive oil
1.5 C chopped onion
1 package gluten-free brown rce penne
1/4 c cornstarch
4 cups milk
3/4 teas salt
1/2 teas black pepper
1/2 teas whole nutmeg
1 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese
1 cup mozzarella cheese
cooking spray
1/2 c parmesan cheese
1/4 c pnko style breadcrumbs.

1. preheat ovn to 375
2. heat oil in medium dutch oven over meadium heat. add onion cook 5 mins or until tender, stirring often
3. while onion cooks, cook pasta according to package direction, omitting sat and fat, then drain.
4. combine cornstarch and 1/2 cup milk in a small bowl, and remaining 3.5 cup milk to onion, bringing to a boil. gradually stir in cornstarch mixture. cook 2 minutes or until sauce thickens, stirring constantly. remove from heat, and stir in salt, pepper, and nutmeg. add cheddar and moz cheeses, stirring with a whisk until cheeses melt. stir in pasta. pour pasta mixture evenly into 6 gratin dishes coated with cooking spray (i just used a glass baking pan,i didnt wanna go buy 6 gratin dishes)
5. combine parm ceese and breadcrumbs, sprinkle over pasta mixture, bake at 375 or 30 minutes.



stephen didnt like the breadcrumb mixture at the top. i thought that was the best part. something is missing from this recipe..it tasted bland. it needs a spice of some kind. unfortunately i have no idea how to cook and bring flavors to a meal, im a "oooh that picture looks yummy lets try that!" and follow the recipe to a T..kinda girl.

so what I learned from that recipe that has me on the road to being a great gluten free chef? cornstarch is a thickening agent.. who knew?? awesome.

the reason Im doing this, stephen is very hyperacive, with a nod at being ADHD..no offical diagnosis. im going to try and go the natural route before i go trying to put him through testing or whatever. so gluten free came up in my research. also avoiding red dyes. and while researching the gluten free i came across symptoms of a gluten intollerance. every single one matched me..maybe not the celiacs disease part, but evrything from feeling bloated after eating to diarrhea, to depression, skin issues, fatigue and all that. so i decided maybe if i try going off glutens if i will feel better? i hadn't noticed a huge change other than i didnt feel as bloated.. UNTIL I went back on glutens for a meal. i had a hamburger with a bun, french fries loaded with cheese, and a oreo milk shake. oh my god, my stomach swelled from being bloated, i'd never felt so uncomfortable in a long time. i was miserable. does this mean i have a gluten sensativity? or just symptoms by proxy cause its in my head? i dont know, just know that i didn't like the feeling. so no more of that crap for me. maybe ill try something eles one day, and see, if it happens again then i know right? in the meantime i just ate something that was pretty pastaish, with oozy cheese,and i dont feel bloated at all.

i have a lot of cook books to go through, recipes to pick out, maybe ill post them on here, what are hits and what are not..i dont know.