Stephen and dad got there, they had bouncing things outside, and some activities. They had a huge meal, homemade yummy stuff. We ate till our bellies were full, and Stephen had a BLAST on the jumpy thingy.
My two aunts were there, my grandma, my uncle, cousin, dad and stepmom, so it was nice to spend time with my family. They live closer than my dad, but I don't get to see them as much.
I really don't feel like typing much, so I will just get to it. As fun as today was, it was shadowed by darkness. Lemme tell you about my grandma. She is absolutely wonderful. I love her. Some of my favorite memories growing up were spending some time at her house with her, listening to Elvis and reading to the wee hours of the night. I get my reading from her. I remember we used to lay in the twin beds in her room, our heads where our feet should go, reading till daylight. I can't even really explain in words how I feel about her, I loved my visits with her, they were always so fun, she is my grandma, I will never have another like her. So let's fast-forward to today.
The conversation that I had with my grandma had rocked me to the core. We had some time alone before all the crazy fun started, to talk. She told me that she's not doing so well. That she was having a hard time breathing, and her doctor thinks that she has a clogged valve in her heart. She's gone through countless numbers of surgeries for similar things, and has had a lot of health problems. She's done all that and bounced back. When she started telling me this, I fully expected her to tell me she'll have surgery again and be back to her normal wonderful self. Instead she told me that she's tired, she's 83, has gone through a lot of surgeries and doesn't feel she can do another one. I know she's had a very long hard life, and it was fulfilling. She's been able to meet and spend time with a bunch of grandchildren, and a great-grandson, and another great-grandchild on the way. She just explained that she cannot go through another surgery. She has a procedure scheduled for Tuesday that will tell more about what is going on with her, and maybe give a prognosis. It took every ounce of effort to sit there and not burst out sobbing. It took every effort not to get on my knees and beg for her to do the surgery, because she's my grandma, my only living grandparent I have left, and I selfishly am NOT ready to give her up. I understand that she's tired, and I respect her wishes, and that she has decided this, and decided to tell everyone so that we can prepare. I always knew I wouldn't get to keep her forever, but how do you prepare for this? I can't prepare for her death, the thought of going to her funeral and seeing her lying in a coffin scares the pants off me. I wanted to call my husband and tell him I was moving to Sanford for the time being, I want to spend every waking moment I can with her. I know that I can't, I have responsibilities and a family of my own. I'm hurting, for her, for my family, and for myself, for Stephen for only knowing her a short time, and for my possible future children who might not get to know their great-grandmother. I hope that with medication and everything, she will be able to live longer, a few more years at least, but as much as I cannot say it out loud, and it hurts to even type it, I don't think I'll get to have my grandma much longer.
I'll end this now, with a picture we got today, four generations, my grandma, my dad, me and Stephen. And then I'll go to bed, and wake up tomorrow, and I'll be okay, it will be okay, and tomorrow is Halloween and I'm sure it will be a big busy day for me.
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