You know what drives me absolutely nuts? It's feeling nostalgic. It leads to memories, which makes me question my choices in life.
I have an ex. I think that I started on the wrong path in life when I broke up with him. I've kept in touch all these years, remained friends. Talked a lot throughout the years, more lately, I guess, with the ease of texting and facebook being at the tip of my fingers wherever I go. So talking to him so much, and kinda coming to a closure as far as the bad breakup, forgiveness and all that fun stuff, I find myself thinking of the days when life was good, and it was, with him, i loved him bunches and bunches. I think we were both too young, had too much growing up to do.
For some reason today I started thinking about how we would go to these computer conventions. wandering around booths and booths of computer parts and stuff that was beyond me. It was bloody fun! and then driving all over creation looking for me a used book store. Going to the irish pub down the road. fun things like that. It got me thinking.. what if? what if I stayed with him? what if? wonder where I would be today? It's so weird thinking about that, how every single thing I have done in my life, the choices that I have made, have brought me to this point in time. Does everything happen for a reason? Or are we predestined to make the choices we make? I'd love to see the alternate reality. lol.
Don't get me wrong, I would go back and do the same thing all over again, because I can't imagine my life without Stephen. I just can't, its not possible. He is my life. I was living for nothing until I had him, and now I'm alive.
Then lets say my ex decides he wants to try again, moves down, we get back together, all that stuff that happens in the happy ever after of true love in the books. what would the relationship be like? now that its been years later, 9 years since we split. I know they say you can't really have what you used to have back, that people break up for a reason. I cant help the wierd crap my mind was spinning today. Alternative realities, and do-overs and all that wierd stuff.
Just been thinking about this hard, had to write it down. it'd be a good book? If only i felt like writing a book. someone ghost write it for me:)
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Saturday, July 20, 2013
My inner me
I've been doing a lot of inner contemplating lately. There was recently drama that blew insanely out of proportion in my family, because I posted my views on the Trayvon Martin issue. A family member said something that hurt me, a friend defended me, and the family member is hurt because of the friend attacking me. Both the family member and my mom are on the defensive about facebook, how I need to watch what I say, or it will come back to bite me in the behind. I think mostly it's a generational thing, because 90% of my facebook friends are my age give or take a bit, and all of them post things all day long.
So I've been thinking, because I've noticed lately I post more about my personal views on things than not.
I think that I have spent most of my life being the quiet bookworm in the corner not saying much of anything, to anyone. And for the most part, that's awesome. I liked it. Unfortunately, it made me a target for people who take advantage. I have spent so much of my life doing so much for other people, it was always about them, never about me. The last few relationships I had, were abusive. My relationship with my ex husband was mostly emotionally abusive. So many things that happened during our relationship, many things I have never told a soul, to the things that everyone knows about. And every. single. bit. of that relationship was all about him. He was the bone that finally broke me. It's been a year and half and I still have flashbacks.
Prior to him, was Jason. Jason was verbally and physically abusive as well as emotionally. It was awful, and that's all I will say about that. I'll revert back to my withdrawn quiet self.
My point of that little hashback, is that in every relationship, my voice got smaller and smaller. *I* faded into the background. I always felt, never heard. There were times in my head I heard myself screaming so loud, but nothing was coming out. And I was separated from so much, my friends, my family. My ex's and their insecurities demanded my life revolve around them, not my friends, not my family.
With my ex husband, I found religion, I used it to cope, to comfort, I was so insanely happy with it. I believed with all my heart. I believed in the power of prayer, that if I prayed hard enough, everything would be okay. Then I had to leave, I moved in with a family member whom I don't consider family anymore. She killed me even more. She tore me to shreds, I moved in with a vicious manipulative woman. One of the typical women that give Christians a bad name. The hypocritical kind. All her promises and sweet words, then the moment I move, it was like, I tip toed around, I couldn't be myself, I couldn't do the things I liked, Stephen failed miserably at school, he was miserable, I was miserable, I would have rather have been back in my marriage, than living there. Every little time I got happy, she would make me even more miserable than before. She rejoiced in trying to turn my son against me, and it was WORKING. 7 months after I moved, she decided she couldn't live with us in the house, and kicked me and Stephen out. I truly believe she tried to kill my dog by letter her out, about a few weeks before I moved out. I bent over backwards making her happy. And all I got out of that was more and more and more of my voice being pushed back. Not only did she kill any confidence I could have gained, but she killed my beliefs in religion. I have been struggling so hard to believe anymore. I prayed and prayed and prayed things would get better with her, that after I left my abusive situation with my dopehead husband, I'd find happiness, I got down on my knees and prayed that I could keep my animals, my dog, that Stephen would thrive. I prayed. And while I prayed, she would throw the scripture at me, demand things from me in the name of God or whatever, and showed me the hypocrisy in religion.
Her kicking me out was the best thing that could have happened. It's been a struggle, money wise, being lonely, adjusting to it being just me and Stephen. being so far from family, not really knowing anyone over here. There was drama in the friendship department for a while, now it seems to be smoother. my mom is close, shes helping as much as she can, my dad and stepmom are helping as much as they can, even by just listening to me. I feel that while I was living at my ex-relatives house, I got closer to them, and they took my dog in, which I can't even begin to tell anyone how grateful I am to them for that.
So all of the rehashing has brought me to my point. I think that in the past year since moving out of my ex-relatives house, I have been steadily working up to where I am today.
I struggle with religion. I believed so hard a few years ago, and now I struggle. If God is supposed to love everyone equally, without reservations, why is there a Westboro Baptist Church? Why could someone who claims to be deeply religious, throw a family member and her son out in the streets? Why did my friends cousin have to die so young, but a really old man still lives on molesting children. Why are the most sympathetic people, my closest friends, who support me in every decision I make, listen to me without judgment, atheists? but the most judgmental people are religious people? just things like that.
Maybe I didn't show emotion, or talk about my views, or kept quiet and to myself before, but I'm finding that I have a voice. I care about my surroundings. I care about the results of the trayvon martin trial, I care about the fact that the bomber is on the cover of rolling stone magazine. I care about the fact that a single mom can't get food stamps, but a teacher living with her dope addicted boyfriend can. I care about the fact that the weather lately has been insane, and its probably global warming. I care about the fact that someone can't adopt a child, or marry the person they love because the person happens to be the same sex. I may not know the people in the news personally, but I have my opinion on them, and I care about what my opinions are. As long as I'm not talking about blowing things up or murdering anyone, or becoming some political person, it shouldn't matter that I have an opinion, and care about my opinion. To me, I feel like it shows personal growth, that I can learn about something or hear about something, form an opinion on it, and stand up for my beliefs. Because if I stand up, or express my opinion, it shows that I **DO** have a voice, I own that voice, that voice is MINE. It's liberating.
So I've been thinking, because I've noticed lately I post more about my personal views on things than not.
I think that I have spent most of my life being the quiet bookworm in the corner not saying much of anything, to anyone. And for the most part, that's awesome. I liked it. Unfortunately, it made me a target for people who take advantage. I have spent so much of my life doing so much for other people, it was always about them, never about me. The last few relationships I had, were abusive. My relationship with my ex husband was mostly emotionally abusive. So many things that happened during our relationship, many things I have never told a soul, to the things that everyone knows about. And every. single. bit. of that relationship was all about him. He was the bone that finally broke me. It's been a year and half and I still have flashbacks.
Prior to him, was Jason. Jason was verbally and physically abusive as well as emotionally. It was awful, and that's all I will say about that. I'll revert back to my withdrawn quiet self.
My point of that little hashback, is that in every relationship, my voice got smaller and smaller. *I* faded into the background. I always felt, never heard. There were times in my head I heard myself screaming so loud, but nothing was coming out. And I was separated from so much, my friends, my family. My ex's and their insecurities demanded my life revolve around them, not my friends, not my family.
With my ex husband, I found religion, I used it to cope, to comfort, I was so insanely happy with it. I believed with all my heart. I believed in the power of prayer, that if I prayed hard enough, everything would be okay. Then I had to leave, I moved in with a family member whom I don't consider family anymore. She killed me even more. She tore me to shreds, I moved in with a vicious manipulative woman. One of the typical women that give Christians a bad name. The hypocritical kind. All her promises and sweet words, then the moment I move, it was like, I tip toed around, I couldn't be myself, I couldn't do the things I liked, Stephen failed miserably at school, he was miserable, I was miserable, I would have rather have been back in my marriage, than living there. Every little time I got happy, she would make me even more miserable than before. She rejoiced in trying to turn my son against me, and it was WORKING. 7 months after I moved, she decided she couldn't live with us in the house, and kicked me and Stephen out. I truly believe she tried to kill my dog by letter her out, about a few weeks before I moved out. I bent over backwards making her happy. And all I got out of that was more and more and more of my voice being pushed back. Not only did she kill any confidence I could have gained, but she killed my beliefs in religion. I have been struggling so hard to believe anymore. I prayed and prayed and prayed things would get better with her, that after I left my abusive situation with my dopehead husband, I'd find happiness, I got down on my knees and prayed that I could keep my animals, my dog, that Stephen would thrive. I prayed. And while I prayed, she would throw the scripture at me, demand things from me in the name of God or whatever, and showed me the hypocrisy in religion.
Her kicking me out was the best thing that could have happened. It's been a struggle, money wise, being lonely, adjusting to it being just me and Stephen. being so far from family, not really knowing anyone over here. There was drama in the friendship department for a while, now it seems to be smoother. my mom is close, shes helping as much as she can, my dad and stepmom are helping as much as they can, even by just listening to me. I feel that while I was living at my ex-relatives house, I got closer to them, and they took my dog in, which I can't even begin to tell anyone how grateful I am to them for that.
So all of the rehashing has brought me to my point. I think that in the past year since moving out of my ex-relatives house, I have been steadily working up to where I am today.
I struggle with religion. I believed so hard a few years ago, and now I struggle. If God is supposed to love everyone equally, without reservations, why is there a Westboro Baptist Church? Why could someone who claims to be deeply religious, throw a family member and her son out in the streets? Why did my friends cousin have to die so young, but a really old man still lives on molesting children. Why are the most sympathetic people, my closest friends, who support me in every decision I make, listen to me without judgment, atheists? but the most judgmental people are religious people? just things like that.
Maybe I didn't show emotion, or talk about my views, or kept quiet and to myself before, but I'm finding that I have a voice. I care about my surroundings. I care about the results of the trayvon martin trial, I care about the fact that the bomber is on the cover of rolling stone magazine. I care about the fact that a single mom can't get food stamps, but a teacher living with her dope addicted boyfriend can. I care about the fact that the weather lately has been insane, and its probably global warming. I care about the fact that someone can't adopt a child, or marry the person they love because the person happens to be the same sex. I may not know the people in the news personally, but I have my opinion on them, and I care about what my opinions are. As long as I'm not talking about blowing things up or murdering anyone, or becoming some political person, it shouldn't matter that I have an opinion, and care about my opinion. To me, I feel like it shows personal growth, that I can learn about something or hear about something, form an opinion on it, and stand up for my beliefs. Because if I stand up, or express my opinion, it shows that I **DO** have a voice, I own that voice, that voice is MINE. It's liberating.
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