I think I hate thanksgiving.

Two years ago today, probably right about this time (9:55am) I get a call from the volusia county sheriff.  I was at my job, entrusting my husband to watch my son, just for a few hours until I could get home and cook thanksgiving dinner.  I'd left the number to the house I was at on the fridge, Stephen led the sheriff to the fridge so he could call me.  They'd found my husband overdosed naked on the side of the road.  my son by himself at the house.  It came out later that my husband sold my laptop, and a friends laptop that we were fixing,  to the local drug dealer took my son to the house to purchase the drugs, proceeded to continue driving around with him, then later, left him alone to do whatever.  DCF was called, after my husband was taken to the hospital, and I had to run home in my employers car, find a place to put stephen, because i was advised that it would be not good to have my son there when jesse got out of the hospital. i spent the entire thanksgiving day crying because i couldnt spend it with my son, my husband, or cook turkey.  Thats also the last time I watched the parade.  I watched it with my employer until I got the call.

Last thanksgiving I spent the morning in the airport, got my mom, she spent it with me, i cooked, it was decent..I had a lot of fun, even the guy I was seeing at the time came over and ate with us i think? or was that the day after, I don't remember.  LOL im getting old.

This thanksgiving my mom is down here living with her husband.  I love having my mom close.  I think though, that since thanksgiving was my favorite holiday growing up, it would continue being my favorite holiday, parade, food, football.  but he wants to watch maury.  and he says "if i want to watch maury in my own house on my own tv on thanksgiving, I will"  so whatever.  im back in the bedroom with my kid watching cartoons on the hub.  no parade, no family time.  whatever.  i miss when I was a kid, going to my grandmas house, eating food watching tv, ending the meal with lots of deserts and christmas deserts to bring in the christmas season.  I really miss my grandma.  I miss my grandfather too.  I wish, more than anything I could go back in time to see them, just one more time.

in the meantime, I think im done with this blasted holiday.  I don't believe in it anymore.

busybusy

The last three months of the year are always insanely busy for me.  Work, school stuff for stephen, holidays, christmas, christmas shopping, all of that fun stuff.  Stress galore.  So I don't think ill be posting much.  I do see the page visits, so I know that I have readers, so yay.  Just thought I'd stop in and post a little something.  I'm still alive! and happy, and content, and all of that fun stuff.

Lesse..updates..

I have a roomie of sorts.  A friend is going through hard times right now, so I'm letting her crash at my place, its been interesting, nice though having companionship.  I don't have internet anymore at home, money woes.  So I get on when I can, or do whatever, when I can.  Mostly I have been just reading or watching tv, or hanging out with Rachel.  It's nice.

Went with mom to get my hair cut at a charity thing this past weekend, and ran into someone who has connections to my best friend when i was a tot.  she gave me my friends married name, and I found her on facebook, that was awesome, it made me really happy, and I'm really glad I could get in touch with her and see how well shes doing.  but talk about blast from the past.  now I just gotta remember what gina's last name was before she moved to colorado.  ugh.

so thats that, i gotta go, bye!  happy holidays if I don't check in.

Whatever

I didn't get to go to my appointment:( gotta reschedule it, the doc had an emergency meeting to go to or something.

I dropped my phone too, it's all cracked up.  So being without internet, and with a broken phone, makes life harder for me.

My ex is still creating drama.  Now I know why everyone was asking me Wtf?  He's got some sort of magical powers that charms girls to see what he wants.  He makes himself out to be the victim or something? Dunno, I can't quite figure it out.  I'm over it.  Aside from all that he put me through, he's not a good man if he's gunna go dating someone while telling me she's just the hired help.  Deny that the girl is his gf, and tell me he still loves me.  Lol.  Whatever.  He's not my problem anymore, he's hers.  ***updatedtoadd* just talked a long time to robin, and jesse, his so called gf is off her rocker.  thinks she owns Jesse.  he thinks she's crazy, and his mom hates her.  I kinda feel bad for her now actually.  she seems to be missing a few screws. ohwell, it was nice to talk to robin, I really miss her, she was the best motherinlaw ever.

Other than that usual batch of bs, I'm doing fantastic.  Started on b-12 shots and vitamin d, both which were deficient.  I'm feeling a billion times better these days. A little too hyper and restless with energy, but better.

Today, my kid wanted to go to the library.  He's becoming a pro at searching what topic he wants, and getting the book.  The book worm in me is so proud.

his books

my books

Content

There comes a point where you stop and say "I'm done" it can be anything, relationships, friendships, food, cigarettes, drugs, whatever.  When you reach that point, conquer it, and move on, and reach the moment of contentment, I'm thinking it's going to be awesome.  I'm still trying to reach that point.  Every time I quit and walk away, there's always the aftereffects to deal with.

I walked away from a two year relationship that was abusive, and manipulative.  Where I was cheated on, and given an std.  From there I went to another emotionally abusive, manipulative relationship.  The two were the same, with Jason it was alcohol and girls.  With Jesse it was drugs, and if rumors were true, he sold his body for drugs.  Both stole from me, money, pawned my stuff, and both wrecked my vehicle, which in return caused it to be repossessed.  I have two repossessions.  I have untold amounts of debts.  I ran a credit report the other night, it's just awful.  I had great credit before this.  A year ago I was able to get financed at a car dealership after the crap I was driving died a painful death, with a beyond ridiculous payment amount.  I'm trying to refinance, no one will touch me.  All the bills I wasn't able to pay because I was too busy paying for their bad habits are killing me.

The stress, the ptsd with flashbacks and all.  Every thing that was ever said to me.  Every hit that was ever hit at me, every time they said that I was lucky to be with them.  All the financial stress they gave me.  I'm still dealing with it.  I'm over medicated, over diagnosed, and over it.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a psychologist, my second one.  This one is supposed to evaluate me for add, or autism, or depressive disorder.  I've already got ptsd, but I'm getting evaled for others. I'm so ready to be done and over it.  They tell me I'll have the emotional scars forever. They tell me, it never quite goes away.  Because of the choices I made, I'm forever labeled.  I'm forever scarred.  I'm forever distrustful. Well I end up old and alone?  Probably.  The one guy I dated after Jesse ended up scarring me too.  The second one gave up and turned around and started dating someone else telling me he gives up because I didn't feel ready.  Just when I was this close to BEING ready.  The other one I was talking to heard about the std and ran away.

I'm trying so hard to be positive and uplifting in the face of every dang thing that's ever happened to me.  But I'm still working on it, and apparently I will be forever.  I'm so ready to reach that contented point.  I'm tired, just tired of struggling.  Tired of taking medication every day, tired of being frustrated because I can't cook a full proper meal for my son every night because I can't pay the bills, because of other people and their addictions.

And I fully resent my ex's.  Both of them are free to move on, albeit one is in prison.  The other is free to bad mouth me, blame his problems on me, or whatever else he's saying or doing.  I resent I did everything for him, and he's got the nerve, to set his new girlfriend on me.  I really resent that they don't have to pay, they don't have to pay me back, for the bills I never paid, for the cars they wrecked and the hit on my insurance, the repossessions.  They don't have to pay me back.  They walk away, free and clear to start a new life.  Eff that.

So clearly I have done material for my head doctor tomorrow.  But hopefully she will help me work things out.  And maybe then I can be content.

Positivity

I went through my blog recently, to hide posts that I didn't really want noisy people to read about.  I came across my "happiness" posts.  I think it was a blogging dad back then, but it was so nice to gush about the positive things in my life.  I'd like to do it again.

On Facebook, every day in November I usually post something that I am thankful for. So when I blog, it may very well be similar to my Facebook.

Today, my happiness is directed to my son.  He is #1.  I really think that if I didn't have him,I would have checked out a long time ago. With everything I've been through my whole life, and more recently the past 10-15 years, he is the one constant that keeps me anchored.  He inspires me, and makes me strive to be better. 

When I'm feeling down and out. When life kicks me in the rear like it's fond of doing, his smile and "mommy I love you" makes it better.  He loves me no matter what.  The choices I make, the mood I'm in, no matter what, he loves me.  He tries so hard to step up and be the man of the house. He tries to take care of me, even by offering me half of his favorite piece of candy.  his manners ate impeccable, he thanks people, without me prompting him to.  He is considerate, and doesn't discriminate against anyone in regards to age or race.  He's a great kid.I am so proud of him.  Without him I don't know who I would be.  From the moment I became a mom, I can't remeber my life from before, or how I managed it.

Halloween 2013

Today was Halloween.  Somehow Stephen knows who Rick from the walking dead show is.  That's who he wanted to be.  I really had no money to buy a costume, couldn't even so a pumpkin this year:( so I took a page out of Halloween a few years ago, and created one.  Jack sparrow will probably always be my favorite Halloween costume, but Rick is now my second favorite.  I dressed up as a zombie, while he was Rick.  It came out so cute. 

Stephen was super happy.  He thought he was the shnitz. And his ego went super big when most of the people recognized him and were like..omg!

Him happy, makes me happy :-)

Stalker

Hello little girl,

This blog is for you.  Because I know you obsessively read them for proof of the horrible things he's told you about me.  You know how I know he's telling you? My dear stalker, I was you.   I was his "hun" his "baby" the only one he said he's ever loved as much as he did.  I was you.

You're not so special as you think you are.  Once upon a time, his ex and I had problems.  We did the same thing that you and I are.  Don't believe me? I'm sure I vented somewhere in this blog, in my ultimate superiority that our relationship was special, that she couldn't possibly know what our relationship entailed.

And all the while, I wondered why the hell he never once spoke up in my defense, I was constantly in a battle with her, by myself.  Just like he never defended me to her, he will never defend you, to me.

I have since spoken to her, and all of it has been cleared up.  She told me the nasty things Jesse would tell her, I told her all the nasty things Jesse had told me about her. 

So you see little girl, you can tell whoever until you are blue in the face that he's special and loves you above all else, and everyone else has done him wrong, call me a bitch, call me whatever you want.  The truth is?  I was you.  And I'm finally at the point in my life where I'm no longer blinded by his once in a lifetime love, that I can tell you, I don't give a duck, if you are dating him. 

Side Effects

I'm watching a movie, it's called Side Effects.  Basically it's about a girl who suffers from depression, she goes on all sorts of anti-depression medications until she gets on a new one, which causes her to sleep walk.  While sleepwalking, she kills her husband.  In this movie, the person was prescribed the medication.  it kinda goes wierd after that, i wont talk too much about the ending, but the beginning and middle, really hit home.

I don't talk too much about the things that my ex husband did.  He abused pills.  Mostly stuff like temazepam.  but he would take anything and everything he could get his hands on.  Over the counter stuff was taken like candy.  Most of the time he would black out and sleep walk.  The things he did, he never hurt me, but he could have, it could have went the way things went in the movies.  There were times when I walked in on him doing weird things.  Once I caught him putting dawn dish detergent on a shoe, and putting it in the oven.  It happened in the wee hours of the night.  If I had been asleep, and not up all night following him around during his black out, would the shoe have caught fire?

How many times was he high and blacked out on medications when he was driving me or my son around?  he was high on temazepam when he drove home from daytona and cracked my car up.  Why didn't the cops see it, and arrest him?

The day that was the final day of our relationship, the day of thanksgiving, when I got the call that he OD'd on the side of the road, and he was watching Stephen, it came out later that he was driving places, he went to his drug dealers house a few times, with stephen in the car.  He doesn't remember doing it.

I look at my son now, the choices I made then, even though I was kinda stuck, with no car and job and stuff, I made it out.  I look at my son now, and I see a content happy little boy.  By the grace of God, we made it through that, all the close calls, and probably couldas and what ifs.  we made it through, and we're alive, and well and happy.

Today.

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou 

Today, I went and removed some stuff from a storage unit, and took it to a different storage unit.  I hadn't touched this stuff in almost 2 years now.  Some of it I really wish I could have here with me.  The reason I can't is cause its 100 miles away and I need to find someone to help me with it.   Today though, my dad hired three guys to move it from one place to the next, with hopes that soon we can find some people who will be willing to take the day to move the stuff for me long distance and up a flight of stairs.  At one point when it was at the new place, my dad left me alone for a while to start going through stuff, to get rid of, or condense, so that when I do retrieve my stuff, it won't be so much.  

I hadn't touched this stuff in 2 years, and when I opened them, so much of it I remembered the last time I touched it, I had a husband.  I touched it in a home I'd made my own.  Circumstances changed that, and today.. I was able to take my wedding dress, and put it in a box, and take it to goodwill.  I went through boxes of high school memories.  I went through boxes of childhood memories.  I went through a bin full of things I brought back with me from my month in spain.  I've lived a pretty decent life.  ..I've had a lot of opportunities that a lot of people don't have.  I've had some hard knocks and some major screw ups.  but today, when I was sitting on a storage unit floor, surrounded by memories, a bored guy who was tasked to stay in case i needed help moving boxes, and a chatterbox eight year old being nosy about every little thing I was looking at..I realized something today.  I realized that I am really blessed.  I'm blessed to have my mom, im blessed to have my dad.  Im blessed with all of my stepfamily.  the family members that are here for me, and love me.  I have a great kid, we have a great apartment, and I have a great job, with a great car.  i have more stuff probably than most people.  I have a crap ton of bad memories, money woes, and emotional upheaval enough to last me four lifetimes...but if you look at how far I've come since thanksgiving two years ago..and to be able to take that wedding dress and throw it in a box, and not feel one ounce of sadness or nostalgia, or anything..not even bitterness.  I think I've learned a lot lately.  The biggest lesson I probably could have learned, that there will be a brighter tomorrow, even if tomorrow turns out to be cloudy.. as long as i try to keep my focus on my family and my life, and getting through it, and being positive..things will be okay.  

Roads Untraveled

I'm going through a Linkin Park kick right now.  I got their most recent cd, and even though I haven't quite made it past track number 7..i love the cd.  3 was over played, then 2 was, then 1 was, then 6 was LOL i get obsessed with a song and listen to it over and over, then i decide to try another song out.  one day I will be able to say, yeah, i love the whole cd!

One of the songs on there though, not my favorite yet, its a little too slow for LP.  BUT.  the words.  the words.  oh those words.

Weep not for roads untraveled 

Weep not for paths left alone 

Cause beyond every bend is a long blinding end 

It's the worst kind of pain I've known 

Give up your heart left broken. 

And let that mistake pass on 

Cause the love that you lost wasn't worth what it cost 

And in time you'll be glad it's gone. 

(Whoa) x 4 

(Whoa) x2 

Weep not for roads untraveled 

Weep not for sights unseen 

May your love never end and if you need a friend, 

There's a seat here alongside me. 

(Whoa) x4 

The words give me the chills.  Late at night, or during that time of the month, or when the mood just has you thinking about things.   and where he says "Cause the love that you lost wasn't worth what it cost, and in time, you'll be glad it's gone".   *chills*  even when he sings it.. its haunting.  painful.  its slow, and it goes  "..cause the love...that you lost...wasn't worth...what it cost.."  it pauses, and you can just feel it.  I can't explain it.  

Every song on that cd just about, speaks to me.  Track one is my theme song.  Love it.

(yeah) (yo)

You were that foundation

Never gonna be another one, no.

I followed, so taken

So conditioned I could never let go

Then sorrow, then sickness

Then the shock when you flip it on me

So hollow, so vicious

So afraid I couldn't let myself see

That I could never be held

Back or up no, I'll hold myself

Check the rep, yep you know mine well

Forget the rest let them know my hell

There and back yet my soul ain't sell

Kept respect up,the best they fell,

Let the rest be the tale they tell

That I was there saying

In these promises broken

Deep below

Each word gets lost in the echo

So one last lie I can see through

This time I finally let you

Go, go, go.

Test my will, test my heart

Let me tell you how the odds gonna stack up

Y'all go hard, I go smart

How's that working out for y'all in the back, huh?

I've seen that frustration

Been crossed and lost and told "No"

And I've come back unshaken

Let down and lived and let go

So you can let it be known

I don't hold back, I hold my own

I can't be mapped, I can't be cloned

I can't C-flat / it ain't my tone

I can't fall back, I came too far

Hold myself up and love my scars

Let the bells ring wherever they are

'Cause I was there saying...

In these promises broken

Deep below

Each word gets lost in the echo

So one last lie I can see through

This time I finally let you go!!!

Go, go, go.

No, you can tell 'em all now

I don't back up, I don't back down

I don't fold up, and I don't bow

I don't roll over, don't know how

I don't care where the enemies are

Can't be stopped, all I know; go hard

Won't forget how I got this far

For every time saying

In these promises broken

Deep below

Each word gets lost in the echo

So one last lie I can see through

This time I finally let you

Go, go, go. (Go, go, go)

Go. go, go. (Go, go, go)

reminiscing

You know what drives me absolutely nuts?  It's feeling nostalgic.   It leads to memories, which makes me question my choices in life.

I have an ex.  I think that I started on the wrong path in life when I broke up with him.  I've kept in touch all these years, remained friends.  Talked a lot throughout the years, more lately, I guess, with the ease of texting and facebook being at the tip of my fingers wherever I go.  So talking to him so much, and kinda coming to a closure as far as the bad breakup, forgiveness and all that fun stuff, I find myself thinking of the days when life was good, and it was, with him, i loved him bunches and bunches.  I think we were both too young, had too much growing up to do.

For some reason today I started thinking about how we would go to these computer conventions.  wandering around booths and booths of computer parts and stuff that was beyond me.  It was bloody fun!  and then driving all over creation looking for me a used book store.  Going to the irish pub down the road.  fun things like that.  It got me thinking.. what if?   what if I stayed with him?  what if?  wonder where I would be today?  It's so weird thinking about that, how every single thing I have done in my life, the choices that I have made, have brought me to this point in time.  Does everything happen for a reason?  Or are we predestined to make the choices we make?  I'd love to see the alternate reality.  lol.

Don't get me wrong, I would go back and do the same thing all over again, because I can't imagine my life without Stephen.  I just can't, its not possible.  He is my life.  I was living for nothing until I had him, and now I'm alive.

Then lets say my ex decides he wants to try again, moves down, we get back together, all that stuff that happens in the happy ever after of true love in the books.  what would the relationship be like? now that its been years later, 9 years since we split.  I know they say you can't really have what you used to have back, that people break up for a reason.  I cant help the wierd crap my mind was spinning today.  Alternative realities, and do-overs and all that wierd stuff.

Just been thinking about this hard, had to write it down.  it'd be a good book?  If only i felt like writing a book.  someone ghost write it for me:)    

My inner me

I've been doing a lot of inner contemplating lately.  There was recently drama that blew insanely out of proportion in my family, because I posted my views on the Trayvon Martin issue.  A family member said something that hurt me, a friend defended me, and the family member is hurt because of the friend attacking me.  Both the family member and my mom are on the defensive about facebook, how I need to watch what I say, or it will come back to bite me in the behind.  I think mostly it's a generational thing, because 90% of my facebook friends are my age give or take a bit, and all of them post things all day long. 

So I've been thinking, because I've noticed lately I post more about my personal views on things than not. 

I think that I have spent most of my life being the quiet bookworm in the corner not saying much of anything, to anyone.  And for the most part, that's awesome.  I liked it.  Unfortunately, it made me a target for people who take advantage.  I have spent so much of my life doing so much for other people, it was always about them, never about me.  The last few relationships I had, were abusive.  My relationship with my ex husband was mostly emotionally abusive.  So many things that happened during our relationship, many things I have never told a soul, to the things that everyone knows about.  And every.  single.  bit.  of that relationship was all about him.  He was the bone that finally broke me.  It's been a year and half and I still have flashbacks. 

Prior to him, was Jason.  Jason was verbally and physically abusive as well as emotionally.  It was awful, and that's all I will say about that.  I'll revert back to my withdrawn quiet self.

My point of that little hashback, is that in every relationship, my voice got smaller and smaller.  *I* faded into the background.  I always felt, never heard.  There were times in my head I heard myself screaming so loud, but nothing was coming out.  And I was separated from so much, my friends, my family.  My ex's and their insecurities demanded my life revolve around them, not my friends, not my family.

With my ex husband, I found religion, I used it to cope, to comfort, I was so insanely happy with it.  I believed with all my heart.  I believed in the power of prayer, that if I prayed hard enough, everything would be okay.  Then I had to leave, I moved in with a family member whom I don't consider family anymore.  She killed me even more.  She tore me to shreds, I moved in with a vicious manipulative woman.  One of the typical women that give Christians a bad name.  The hypocritical kind.  All her promises and sweet words, then the moment I move, it was like, I tip toed around, I couldn't be myself, I couldn't do the things I liked, Stephen failed miserably at school, he was miserable, I was miserable, I would have rather have been back in my marriage, than living there.  Every little time I got happy, she would make me even more miserable than before.  She rejoiced in trying to turn my son against me, and it was WORKING.  7 months after I moved, she decided she couldn't live with us in the house, and kicked me and Stephen out.  I truly believe she tried to kill my dog by letter her out, about a few weeks before I moved out.  I bent over backwards making her happy.  And all I got out of that was more and more and more of my voice being pushed back.  Not only did she kill any confidence I could have gained, but she killed my beliefs in religion.  I have been struggling so hard to believe anymore.  I prayed and prayed and prayed things would get better with her, that after I left my abusive situation with my dopehead husband, I'd find happiness, I got down on my knees and prayed that I could keep my animals, my dog, that Stephen would thrive.  I prayed.  And while I prayed, she would throw the scripture at me, demand things from me in the name of God or whatever, and showed me the hypocrisy in religion. 

Her kicking me out was the best thing that could have happened.  It's been a struggle, money wise, being lonely, adjusting to it being just me and Stephen.  being so far from family, not really knowing anyone over here.  There was drama in the friendship department for a while, now it seems to be smoother.  my mom is close, shes helping as much as she can, my dad and stepmom are helping as much as they can, even by just listening to me.  I feel that while I was living at my ex-relatives house, I got closer to them, and they took my dog in, which I can't even begin to tell anyone how grateful I am to them for that. 

So all of the rehashing has brought me to my point.  I think that in the past year since moving out of my ex-relatives house, I have been steadily working up to where I am today.

I struggle with religion.  I believed so hard a few years ago, and now I struggle.  If God is supposed to love everyone equally, without reservations, why is there a Westboro Baptist Church?  Why could someone who claims to be deeply religious, throw a family member and her son out in the streets?  Why did my friends cousin have to die so young, but a really old man still lives on molesting children.  Why are the most sympathetic people, my closest friends, who support me in every decision I make, listen to me without judgment, atheists? but the most judgmental people are religious people?  just things like that.

Maybe I didn't show emotion, or talk about my views, or kept quiet and to myself before, but I'm finding that I have a voice.  I care about my surroundings.  I care about the results of the trayvon martin trial, I care about the fact that the bomber is on the cover of rolling stone magazine.  I care about the fact that a single mom can't get food stamps, but a teacher living with her dope addicted boyfriend can.  I care about the fact that the weather lately has been insane, and its probably global warming.  I care about the fact that someone can't adopt a child, or marry the person they love because the person happens to be the same sex.    I may not know the people in the news personally, but I have my opinion on them, and I care about what my opinions are.  As long as I'm not talking about blowing things up or murdering anyone, or becoming some political person, it shouldn't matter that I have an opinion, and care about my opinion.  To me, I feel like it shows personal growth, that I can learn about something or hear about something, form an opinion on it, and stand up for my beliefs.  Because if I stand up, or express my opinion, it shows that I **DO** have a voice, I own that voice, that voice is MINE.  It's liberating. 

My new second grader

My baby isn't a baby anymore. 

                                        This was my baby a couple days ago.


so cute and sweet and innocent, I can remember it all so clearly. 

                                                 This is my baby now.


He's now a second grader.  A know it all, independent, stubborn hard headed one to boot.  He's a mini me, in every way.

................and he's not a first grader anymore.



                       BABY I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!

My future Stephen King/Speilberg

  My favorite director, is Steven Speilberg (ET..enough said).  One of my favorite authors, is Stephen King.  I've always liked the name Stephen.  Perhaps thats why my offspring has that name.    One interesting thing though, about my offspring.  He's insanely creative.  He latches on to a story he's spinning, and he will really get into it.  His creativity sometimes astounds me.  absurd most of the time, but astounding.  some interesting doozies have come out of his mouth.

  I realized the other day, when stephen insisted on going to the mens restroom at a rest stop, that it's been over a year since we had the bad touch talk.  I was a nervous wreck at the rest stop, i know the ones in Daytona used to have stings in them all the time, for prostitution and truckers and all that.  I can only imagine him being in there, and some horny pervert taking advantage.  Since he's reached the age where he refuses to go into the women's restroom, or go pee around me really, i've let him go to the mens room, and i've always told him to scream, if something happens that he's not comfortable with, while i hover at the entrance.

  Anyways, so tonight I figured it was time to refresh our memory of bad touches, and not showing our stuff to people and that some things are private.  I asked him the usual questions, has anyone touched you, asked to see you, etc etc.  he answered in the negative, a huge relief of course.  Then I asked him if he remembered what the bad touch was and stuff like that.

  Oh my god.  his creativity kicked in.  He started explaining about how the bad touch is illegal, and against the law, and that when George Washington was president of the united states, back in the day, he would do the bad touch with some slaves, and abraham lincoln came along and made it against the law, and long story short (he got really winded with the details and how there was a war and people were exploding and stuff like that) he said that was the reason why everyone wanted to vote for him to be president, and now we have president obama, and its still illegal to do the bad touch.

*sigh* one question gave me 15 minutes of wayyyyy too much information about former president George Washington, history according to my 7 year old.

A Letter To My Son

To My Dear Son,
   As I am writing this, I am watching you curled up with your favorite blanket, the one that your grandmother and papa gave to me for Christmas  that became yours that very same day.  Curled up with your favorite teddy bear, that my friend Brooke gave to you for your first birthday.  A week from tomorrow you will be turning 8.  We have gone through so much together these past 8 years, you and I.  The choices I have made have not always been the greatest choices in the world.  I had to take a moment and write a letter to you, if something ever were to happen to me, I hope that you know that I have done my best to show you all the love in the world.  I have done my best to put you first, you're mine, you are my whole world, the love of my life.  God put me on this world for a reason, and I believe with all my heart, that you are the reason.  I may have left my mark in the lives of other people, but you, my dear son, are the mark I give to the world.

  You're far too young right now, to understand the hopes and dreams I have for you.  I hope that you succeed in life, that you become the greatness that I know you have the ability to achieve.  I hope that life doesn't kick you down, that you are able to hold on to yourself, the innocent little boy that loves everyone he meets, and has the ability to make anyone smile.

  No matter where life takes you, I fully expect it to take you far.  I hope you can overcome everything, all my bad choices, all that you have seen in your short life so far, overcome and go futher than i could ever hope and dream for you to go.  I know you can do it.  It's like when you tell me the problem on your homework is too hard, and you can't do it.  And I tell you, take a breath baby, and breathe.  Then try again. and you do, and you do it perfectly.
 
  There aren't enough words that I could type, to express how proud I am of you, the baby you were, the little man you are, and the little man you are becoming.  There are not enough words for me to express how much I love you, and I hope that you know that, and can remember that love as you look back on your childhood.  You and I are a team, I love you little guy.  I am so glad that I have you in my life.  Never forget that, no matter what.  I will love you, no matter what.
                                                                                             

                                                                                       Love Always,
                                                                                           Mommy