Side Effects

I'm watching a movie, it's called Side Effects.  Basically it's about a girl who suffers from depression, she goes on all sorts of anti-depression medications until she gets on a new one, which causes her to sleep walk.  While sleepwalking, she kills her husband.  In this movie, the person was prescribed the medication.  it kinda goes wierd after that, i wont talk too much about the ending, but the beginning and middle, really hit home.

I don't talk too much about the things that my ex husband did.  He abused pills.  Mostly stuff like temazepam.  but he would take anything and everything he could get his hands on.  Over the counter stuff was taken like candy.  Most of the time he would black out and sleep walk.  The things he did, he never hurt me, but he could have, it could have went the way things went in the movies.  There were times when I walked in on him doing weird things.  Once I caught him putting dawn dish detergent on a shoe, and putting it in the oven.  It happened in the wee hours of the night.  If I had been asleep, and not up all night following him around during his black out, would the shoe have caught fire?

How many times was he high and blacked out on medications when he was driving me or my son around?  he was high on temazepam when he drove home from daytona and cracked my car up.  Why didn't the cops see it, and arrest him?

The day that was the final day of our relationship, the day of thanksgiving, when I got the call that he OD'd on the side of the road, and he was watching Stephen, it came out later that he was driving places, he went to his drug dealers house a few times, with stephen in the car.  He doesn't remember doing it.

I look at my son now, the choices I made then, even though I was kinda stuck, with no car and job and stuff, I made it out.  I look at my son now, and I see a content happy little boy.  By the grace of God, we made it through that, all the close calls, and probably couldas and what ifs.  we made it through, and we're alive, and well and happy.

Today.

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou 

Today, I went and removed some stuff from a storage unit, and took it to a different storage unit.  I hadn't touched this stuff in almost 2 years now.  Some of it I really wish I could have here with me.  The reason I can't is cause its 100 miles away and I need to find someone to help me with it.   Today though, my dad hired three guys to move it from one place to the next, with hopes that soon we can find some people who will be willing to take the day to move the stuff for me long distance and up a flight of stairs.  At one point when it was at the new place, my dad left me alone for a while to start going through stuff, to get rid of, or condense, so that when I do retrieve my stuff, it won't be so much.  

I hadn't touched this stuff in 2 years, and when I opened them, so much of it I remembered the last time I touched it, I had a husband.  I touched it in a home I'd made my own.  Circumstances changed that, and today.. I was able to take my wedding dress, and put it in a box, and take it to goodwill.  I went through boxes of high school memories.  I went through boxes of childhood memories.  I went through a bin full of things I brought back with me from my month in spain.  I've lived a pretty decent life.  ..I've had a lot of opportunities that a lot of people don't have.  I've had some hard knocks and some major screw ups.  but today, when I was sitting on a storage unit floor, surrounded by memories, a bored guy who was tasked to stay in case i needed help moving boxes, and a chatterbox eight year old being nosy about every little thing I was looking at..I realized something today.  I realized that I am really blessed.  I'm blessed to have my mom, im blessed to have my dad.  Im blessed with all of my stepfamily.  the family members that are here for me, and love me.  I have a great kid, we have a great apartment, and I have a great job, with a great car.  i have more stuff probably than most people.  I have a crap ton of bad memories, money woes, and emotional upheaval enough to last me four lifetimes...but if you look at how far I've come since thanksgiving two years ago..and to be able to take that wedding dress and throw it in a box, and not feel one ounce of sadness or nostalgia, or anything..not even bitterness.  I think I've learned a lot lately.  The biggest lesson I probably could have learned, that there will be a brighter tomorrow, even if tomorrow turns out to be cloudy.. as long as i try to keep my focus on my family and my life, and getting through it, and being positive..things will be okay.