Single Motherhood

Usually, I am exteremly paitent, I have to be, I have a 7 year old son.  today, my patience has worn paper thin to the point of snapping.  So instead of being a grump out loud, I will be a grump to a blog.  I don't think anyone really follows or it reads it, so its almost like a private vent? maybe?  Today my blog will be about single momhood.

Its bloody hard.  I swear.  I'd say that I don't get how single moms do it, but then reality slaps me in the face, or a small hand anyways, and I'm a single mom.  I'm blogging currently with my childs feet on my left forearm, with the word "mommy, mommy, mommy!" coming out of his mouth every two seconds, then if i dont answer him right away he uses that moment to climb on my lap and squeeze my cheeks and block my view of the screen, demanding attention 24/7. 

 me blogging with an attachment.

Stinky single mother hood??  here's some of the hardest points I can think of.

1) certain friends and prospective dates just can't handle reality.  in the past few months, seen two people talking about not being sure about hanging out with someone with a kid,  kids interfere with lifestyles, and not being comfortable or knowing how to act around kids.  which is okay, fine even, because pre-stephen, i said the same crap.  if a friend of mine brought her kid around i was akward and fumbly and didnt know what to do.  so all i got to say about that is, you know what? your loss..cause I am a really great person.  im loyal as heck to my son, i can be loyal as heck to a friend or boyfriend.  just sayin.  and i have learned how to love committedly, because i love my son for life, im not fickle about love anymore.  i don't feel like i should have to beg for friendship, i feel like i should be accepted for who I am, and who I am, fortunately, is a mom.  i do have some friends that are moms, so i understand when they cant do something, they have their own family to deal with.. which unfortunately makes me feel awfully friendless and lonely.

2) money, and doing it yourself.  money sucks.  having not enough money to pay for things your kid enjoys, like cable tv, sucks harder.  and when a sperm donor decides, omg i have a sniffle, i cant go to work, thats a week without childsupport i dont get.  or i get a random out of the blue text telling me he wants to lower child support payments, because he has his two other kids to feed, plus his newest girlfriends three kids to feed, and cant afford it.  hello..get SNIPPED jacktwat.   ever heard of a 2nd job?  or how about finding a g/f who actually works, so you dont have to support her kids for her.  and the fact that you haven't seen stephen in 7 years?  and use the excuse of wanting to get to know him, to text me to let me know, oh..by the way, im taking you to court cause i dont wanna pay anymore, cause woe is me whine whine whine.  suck it up and be a man. and taking a week off for a sniffle?  please.  i was sick all week too, and the only time i took off was when they sent me home, and when i HAD to, because of teacher duty day.  so what was my orignial vent about?  oh yeah, money.  recently i've had to get rid of a junker car that stopped working, I got a safer car, and a car payment, and headache issues with the financer because of my past, and they are ON POINT with making my life heck, because of it..right down to getting my car insurance to charge me out of the blue with my remainder of my premium.  so instead of paying my usual one month payment I have to come up with 3 months of payments, by the 25th of october.  thats 4 days away.  yeah, that'll happen.  so now what will happen, is ill loose my license, and my brand new car wont be drivable, ill loose my job for lack of transportation, and ill be on the streets.  so.  FML right?  trying to determine what to get rid of, and unfortunately, cable/internet and my cell phone has got to go.  extra expenses i dont need, until I get back on my feet.  and its all me, weather or not we have a roof over our head, or food in our bellies, its up to me, and whoever i borrow money from:P 


pause for a minute, i got a kid wanting juice.

 

3) not getting a break.  I think that I haven't had a true break, to where i can just up and go somewhere by myself, in over 6 months really.  because I lived at my aunts house briefly, and it got real bad to the point where i would go with stephen to spend the weekend at my dads house, just to get away and not be in that house.    and because i love my dad and stepmom and they took custody of my dog, i still go over there every time stephen does, so i havent had a real break in a while..so now here I am, we're around each other from 530pm to 7am on weekdays, and every waking moment on weekends.  literally, cause we have a 1 bedroom apartment that we share a room.  and this weekend happens to be a three day weekend, cause of teacher duty day on friday.  so we're driving each other absolutely bonkers.   BONKERS.  he needs a break i need a break, but unforunately because of #2, we cant really go anywhere. 

next week my dad is going to take him, cause of another teacher duty day.  he'll get him thursday, ill be alone thursday night to sleep, then friday ill work, then ill have to go get him.  then november 10th ill have to find a babysitter for the weekend cause my friend jean is going to come over and spend the weekend with me!

pause for a minute..my kid needs a hug cause his throat hurts.

i think what i need to have happen right now, is i need to go to work, and send him to school, and at least get 8 hours of break. 

and all that being said..flip side of the arguement.

I love my son, more than anything, he is MINE.  no one can bash him, pick on him, talk bad to him, or complain about him except for me.  HE is MINE.  if you do it, and I know about it?? you don't want to know what will happen.  you won't be around this world much longer.  i love him.  yeah, when i was younger i used to be scared of kids, never wanted any kids ever,then i had him, my little oops! and he became my own.  he's all me, total mini me.  yeah it can be hard, not having the ability to do what i want, when i want it, but i cant explain it.. he just makes it all go away.  ill be steaming mad and claustrophobic in the house one minute, then the next minute, something like this will happen.

 

 

he and I, we will be okay, we're a unit.  we may not be a family with three, and have a little less stress in our life, but we're a unit.  a family.  one day ill loose all the losers in my life that have a problem with my unit.. one day i may even meet a man who will be a man, and take a chance and learn to love both me and my son, and treat me the way I so badly want to be treated.   ill continue my weekly stress and struggles with money, but one day I have to believe, we'll be okay.  as long as my rent gets paid, the electric.  i dont know what will happen in the future, i dont know what being a mommys boy will do to him, i dont know who he will become, or what he will be, I do know that no matter WHAT, I will love him, I'll love him if he's #1 quarterback in the nation in NFL, i'll love him if he's on death row.  I will love him, totally, and unconditionally.  forever.

stephen doesnt take anything away from my life, he doesn't inconvience me, except when i have to go to the bathroom and there he is wanting attention.  he doesn't.  he makes it better, with the things that comes out of his mouth, the daily things he does or says that when it doesnt matter how bad of a day I had, he can make me truly laugh like i havent ever.

i have to go now, my son needs me, he doesn't feel well, and its taken me about two hours to write this.  I do feel better though.  I do.  thanks for listening.  and pretend I never said any of it, cause those are evil bad thoughts and I need to smile and be lovely all the time, since im a mom:)