Today, was probably one of the most emotional days I've face in a long time, and that's saying a lot, considering everything I have been through the past year or so. I spent the day with my ex husband today, who is doing very very badly healthwise. it's so dang hard watching it. I helped him pack his stuff, I fed him, I made him shower, and I spent time with him..and when I drove away, I could swear I heard a door click shut.
Although its not a real door, another chapter of my life closed today.. even though we're divorced, and have been living seperately for 6 months now, and I've already moved on to the next chapter, Jesse was still there, I still in the back of my mind, had insane high hopes of reconciliation. We were so good together, he and I..and Stephen adored him, our memories were full..both of good and bad. He's moving to New York tomorrow. It's a huge change..I sorta feel like i've lost him all over again, even though we're not together, he was still close enough to go visit if I wanted to.
I said goodbye today, to a lot of things, to Oak Hill.. to the places I frequented..I even visited my chicken Morkie, and said goodbye to her. Since Jesse won't be there anymore, I probably can't see myself going to Oak Hill again any time soon. It was so sad. i hated that town with a passion, yet its a beautiful little town full of memories.
It's going to be hard not having him so close, we were together a short time, not 50 years or anything in the scheme of things, but in the time that we were together, it was intense, I felt with every fiber of my being that he is my soul mate. I loved him that deeply, another reason why I stayed with him so long. I know a lot of people who know what he put me through, don't understand, and would be upset with me for being upset that he's leaving. It is what it is though. maybe if he moved away and met someone else and moved on, and I eventually did he same, I could look back and see that maybe he wasn't the one for me, but right now, I can't see it. I love him, and I have a hard time seeing beyond that. I do recognize that he needs help, and it'll take a lot for us to get back together.. I do see that. It's why I'm not with him now.
I'm tired of love stuff. but I know that if i make choices that are loveless then it always ends up in disaster for me. my choices suck in life. I can't wait until I get insurance, I'm so going to get a shrink LOL.
I'm just rambling right now, I'm back and forth and bouncing around with my emotions. I'm going to be like this for the next few days I think. Bursting out crying out of no where. He flies out tomorrow at 8pm. I think I'm scheduled upstairs tomorrow at work, it's a good thing, I don't think I'm going to want to be bothered by anyone.
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