Choices

I think I'm in a weird mood, one of those pensive reflecting on everything moods. Could be a little bit of a lack of sleep? I don't know. My husband and I just went through a few days of rough patches, but we're trying to get back on track, marriage isn't easy, but I know that I love him, and I'd have a hard time giving up on him. When I look back on it, we haven't known each other as long as a lot of husbands and wives have known each other, but we've gone through SO much in such a short period of time, and I think with all of our experiences, I feel like I've known him forever. I think that sometimes, because of his past relationships, he has a hard time having faith in me, and the fact that I chose him, and that I love him more than I've love others in my past, but I do, and it is what it is. We both have flaws, but I love him for all of his perfections and imperfections, even though there are choices he makes that I don't like at all, and wish I could erase from his personality, but I do believe he's trying to work on them.

This morning I was on facebook, and I had befriended someone a while back, that I have known for a very long time, I don't know if I would call him a Kissing Cousin..but I think he is, and I swore that we'd get married one day, when we were younger. I mean way younger, like Stephens age younger. I called him my boyfriend until third grade, even though he'd moved away, and out of my life a few years before that. Anyways, he'd posted something on his status, so I went to his page to read about it (he posted about Ipads, which im clueless, im not keeping up with those things, better not to..cause I'd probably want one) but I noticed his sister was on his friends list, so I went to her page, to add her. They aren't related to me, they are related to a relative..maybe a cousin by marriage? one of my blood cousins, they are his cousin. anyways so I have seen her around town, and shes one of those flawless gorgeous beauties, her picture appeared in several professional photographer studios that are local, and if I went to a homeshow in town, they had moved back to florida probably when I was in high school (which is a weekend long program where local businesses go to to give away freebies and promote their business, its actually very fun) I would see her picture in a photography booth. Anyways, so I'm on her page, and to my total shock, I find out shes a singer, she has a website, a twitter, fan's, and has been in competitions and all sorts of things, and has a album coming out, I listened to her first single and shes really good. total shock, I remember the little girl she was, with the knobby knees and crooked teeth and her teasing me about her brother. With all of the things she's done so far, and her brother, he's a doctor now. and reflecting on other people I know, the things they are doing, people I went to school with, sat next to in class, who are doing all sorts of things, it kinda made me sit back and reflect on my own life.

All of the choices I made, have led me to this point in my life right now, and I wouldn't trade it for the world, but there are some choices that I really wish I hadn't made. I wish I'd gone away to college, experienced college in another state, in a dorm, changing majors like I'd change underwear, living on ramen noodles and cramming for exams. I wish I hadn't dropped out of college after the first year, because I was too busy going to parties and goofing off. I regret some of the relationships I've been in, I really screwed up with some of them. I love Stephen more than anything in the world, but I wish I could have had him at a different time, properly with my husband, and a good job, certainly not with the sperm donor. I wouldn't have wasted so much time on my last Ex..he was a total screw up of mine, and I'd sell my soul to take that one back. It makes me wonder if I applied myself hard in high school to fill out college applications, and gone away, where would I be now, what would I be doing? There's never really been anything that I totally shined at, I enjoy reading and for a brief period of time loved writing, but reading the things I wrote back then, the stories were just plain ridiculous, and I can't see myself sitting down and actually typing out a novel, full of details and dialog and plots. I could probably see myself as a editor or something. but probably life would have a way of leading you back here, i'd probably have done something stupid and ended right back here with the same things going on. It's just shocking I think to look at some of the people you grew up with, and spent years sitting next to in school doing all of these different things, and the things you've done and wonder if things could be different if you had made different choices.

anyways I better get moving, time to get my husband up. he's a bit of a insomniac, and was up too late, but he starts working tomorrow, so he needs to wake up early rather than sleeping all day.