It's been a while, busy year, lots going on, not much to really talk about on here, haven't felt the need to really. Since my last post, I had my parathyroidectomy, which really cleared up a lot of symptoms I was having, from my knee to headaches to blood pressure, migraines have even gone away.
The doctor I worked with the past 7 years, Dr. Dalton passed away in December, which was and still is a huge blow to me, I really miss him, every day.
Stephen and I are still truckin along, he's in 8th grade now, I still work where I work, I work with another doctor now, I've gone back to school to pursue my nursing degree, start my second class on monday, after that class I am done with my prereqs and I can apply for nursing school.
Stephen is 14 now, in his teenage years, and unfortunately it hasn't been all fun and games, his autism makes it really hard. He's a good kid, but struggling emotionally, hormones and social and trying to cope with his inner anger and feelings in a world that doesn't conform to him. It sucks, and I don't know how to make it better for him. His school today has labeled him aggressive, and I get that on the outside looking at him its easy to stereotype, he's the kid that someone would point out as a sterotypical school shooter, but he would never do something like that, he's just socially awkward, he loves all things army, so he dresses head to toe in army gear. He would never hurt anyone deliberately. He had a bad day today, and it didn't end well. I don't know what is going to happen in the future, if he will be able to stay at the school or not, I just know that if he doesn't get to, it's going to turn into a whole world of tears. I worry for his future, I want him to be happy, and have a great future. This whole thing sucks.
I just wanted to ramble a little bit, I forgot about this blog until today. I don't really feel like writing any more, but I hope that I'll remember to keep writing from here on out more often.
Thursday, August 15, 2019
Sunday, June 10, 2018
Busy week
So in my last post I updated with all the numbers and medical things about me, here.
I just briefly want to explain, a parathyroid is good for regulating the calcium in the body, my calcium level in my bloodstream is extremely high, which basically in laymans terms, the blood is sucking out of my bones and into the blood stream. I'm explaining this because in the next paragraph, my knee connection to the parathyroid is told.
Basically this week was just insane with doctors..
I saw a endocrinologist on the 5th of june, he had me come back the next day on the 6th and do an ultrasound, he saw two suspicious things on it, so he sent me to a surgeon. on the 7th, which was actually my birthday, I saw the orthopedic, who said I have a mass in my knee. I have also developed osteoarthritis. I'm 37 and I have arthritis. It's all connected to the parathyroid though. I have to do another MRI and a CT with contrast on my knee, but I'm dealing with the parathyroid first. I had an appointment the 8th with a surgeon, and I'm scheduled for parathyroidectomy on June 15th, next Friday.
I really hope that the parathyroid removal will help with the knee stuff, otherwise I have a mass of some sort in the knee that may have to be biopsied depending on what the future MRI/CT scan says.
My diet and exercise has been postponed a week or two, not really the diet so much as the exercise. I'm going to be having my first surgery ever in a few days, I can't figure out if I'm nervous or excited. I'm just ready to be done with this, I'm ready to feel better.
I just briefly want to explain, a parathyroid is good for regulating the calcium in the body, my calcium level in my bloodstream is extremely high, which basically in laymans terms, the blood is sucking out of my bones and into the blood stream. I'm explaining this because in the next paragraph, my knee connection to the parathyroid is told.
Basically this week was just insane with doctors..
I saw a endocrinologist on the 5th of june, he had me come back the next day on the 6th and do an ultrasound, he saw two suspicious things on it, so he sent me to a surgeon. on the 7th, which was actually my birthday, I saw the orthopedic, who said I have a mass in my knee. I have also developed osteoarthritis. I'm 37 and I have arthritis. It's all connected to the parathyroid though. I have to do another MRI and a CT with contrast on my knee, but I'm dealing with the parathyroid first. I had an appointment the 8th with a surgeon, and I'm scheduled for parathyroidectomy on June 15th, next Friday.
I really hope that the parathyroid removal will help with the knee stuff, otherwise I have a mass of some sort in the knee that may have to be biopsied depending on what the future MRI/CT scan says.
My diet and exercise has been postponed a week or two, not really the diet so much as the exercise. I'm going to be having my first surgery ever in a few days, I can't figure out if I'm nervous or excited. I'm just ready to be done with this, I'm ready to feel better.
Saturday, May 19, 2018
Slightly broken
I'm slightly broken, that's the verdict! I've gotten more testing, blood work, and I even got a MRI of my knee, finally. I have been dealing with my knee since September. I saw an orthopedic and went through therapy, and a shot, and it still hurts just as bad if not worse. So here are some results, copy and pasted from my patient portal. There's a lot of mumbo jumbo that if you don't work in the medical field might make your eyes cross.
My lab results:
The bold is the result, and the number beside it are the range, so all of these are not good
Calcium, Serum/Plasma 5/3/2018 11.60 mg/dL 8.6- 10.3
Aspartate Aminotransferase (AST) 5/3/2018 50.00 U/L 13-39
ALT/SGPT 5/3/2018 56.00 U/L 7-52
Alkaline Phosphatase 5/3/2018 165.00 U/L 34- 104
She tested deeper into the Alkaline Phosphatase
Alkaline Phosphatase, Tot and Iso,S
Alkaline Phosphatase, S 200 H U/L 37 - 98
Liver 1 % 24.1 L % 27.8-76.3
Liver 1 48.2 IU/L 16.2-70.2
Liver 2 % 5.1 % 0.0-8.0
Liver 2 10.2 H IU/L 0.0-5.8
Bone % 70.8 H % 19.1-67.7
Bone 141.6 H IU/L 12.1-42.7
Intestine % 0.0 % 0.0-20.6
Intestine 0.0 IU/L 0.0-11.0
Placental NotPresent Not present
She wanted me to see a rhuematologist, because the bone levels are high, indicating something like bone cancer, pagets disease.
She also tested deeper into the elevated Calcium
Calcium, Serum/Plasma 5/11/2018 12.50 mg/dL 8.6- 10.3
Ionized Calcium 5/11/2018 1.69 mmol/L 1.12-1.32
and Finally she tested my PTH levels (parathyroid)
PTH Intact 5/11/2018 160.00 pg/mL 12-88
so basically my liver levels, my alkaline phosphatase and my PTH are all linked and indicate hyperparathyroidism. Shes hoping that its also the cause of the bone issues, and may be the cause of my knee problems (which is why she ordered the MRI) I'm waiting on a referral to a endocrinologist to see about this.
My MRI results:
IMPRESSION: 1. There is a lobulated T1 hypointense, T2 hyperintense lesion within the distal right femur which is suspected to be a cartilage-containing lesion. There is patchy surrounding T1 hypointense, T2 hyperintense marrow signal which could represent a portion of the lesion that is out of phase or may represent sequela of patchy red marrow (which is also seen in the proximal tibia). However, chondrosarcoma is not completely excluded in this case and needs to be considered. 2. Oblique undersurface horizontal tear of the posterior horn and body of the medial meniscus. 3. Small joint effusion. 4. Partially ruptured popliteal cyst with fluid extending along the proximal medial gastrocnemius
sounds pretty yuck right? yeah, so basically I have meniscus tear, runners knee, a partially ruptured cyst, and some other lesion looking things, and the chondrosarcoma is basically a cancer thing. So they would have to rule that out. I do have an appointment with a new orthopedic on june 7th to follow up with this.
Thats pretty much my update, I'm still on my diet, still working out, I did a 4 week challenge, that I really improved on, my numbers were amazing, (copy and paste from a facebook post): April 17th I did a 17.51 mile, today i did 14.51. April 17th i did 5 pushups today I did 16. April 17th I did 18 situps, today I did 47. I know I lost 9 point something lbs but dunno exactly.
waiting on the results of who won the challenge, last week was kinda awful because it stormed every single day. didnt have my fitcamp:(
I hope to keep everyone updated more often, All of this was just a LOT to process so I took some time to reflect and let it soak in.
My lab results:
The bold is the result, and the number beside it are the range, so all of these are not good
Calcium, Serum/Plasma 5/3/2018 11.60 mg/dL 8.6- 10.3
Aspartate Aminotransferase (AST) 5/3/2018 50.00 U/L 13-39
ALT/SGPT 5/3/2018 56.00 U/L 7-52
Alkaline Phosphatase 5/3/2018 165.00 U/L 34- 104
She tested deeper into the Alkaline Phosphatase
Alkaline Phosphatase, Tot and Iso,S
Alkaline Phosphatase, S 200 H U/L 37 - 98
Liver 1 % 24.1 L % 27.8-76.3
Liver 1 48.2 IU/L 16.2-70.2
Liver 2 % 5.1 % 0.0-8.0
Liver 2 10.2 H IU/L 0.0-5.8
Bone % 70.8 H % 19.1-67.7
Bone 141.6 H IU/L 12.1-42.7
Intestine % 0.0 % 0.0-20.6
Intestine 0.0 IU/L 0.0-11.0
Placental NotPresent Not present
She wanted me to see a rhuematologist, because the bone levels are high, indicating something like bone cancer, pagets disease.
She also tested deeper into the elevated Calcium
Calcium, Serum/Plasma 5/11/2018 12.50 mg/dL 8.6- 10.3
Ionized Calcium 5/11/2018 1.69 mmol/L 1.12-1.32
and Finally she tested my PTH levels (parathyroid)
PTH Intact 5/11/2018 160.00 pg/mL 12-88
so basically my liver levels, my alkaline phosphatase and my PTH are all linked and indicate hyperparathyroidism. Shes hoping that its also the cause of the bone issues, and may be the cause of my knee problems (which is why she ordered the MRI) I'm waiting on a referral to a endocrinologist to see about this.
My MRI results:
IMPRESSION: 1. There is a lobulated T1 hypointense, T2 hyperintense lesion within the distal right femur which is suspected to be a cartilage-containing lesion. There is patchy surrounding T1 hypointense, T2 hyperintense marrow signal which could represent a portion of the lesion that is out of phase or may represent sequela of patchy red marrow (which is also seen in the proximal tibia). However, chondrosarcoma is not completely excluded in this case and needs to be considered. 2. Oblique undersurface horizontal tear of the posterior horn and body of the medial meniscus. 3. Small joint effusion. 4. Partially ruptured popliteal cyst with fluid extending along the proximal medial gastrocnemius
sounds pretty yuck right? yeah, so basically I have meniscus tear, runners knee, a partially ruptured cyst, and some other lesion looking things, and the chondrosarcoma is basically a cancer thing. So they would have to rule that out. I do have an appointment with a new orthopedic on june 7th to follow up with this.
Thats pretty much my update, I'm still on my diet, still working out, I did a 4 week challenge, that I really improved on, my numbers were amazing, (copy and paste from a facebook post): April 17th I did a 17.51 mile, today i did 14.51. April 17th i did 5 pushups today I did 16. April 17th I did 18 situps, today I did 47. I know I lost 9 point something lbs but dunno exactly.
waiting on the results of who won the challenge, last week was kinda awful because it stormed every single day. didnt have my fitcamp:(
I hope to keep everyone updated more often, All of this was just a LOT to process so I took some time to reflect and let it soak in.
Saturday, May 5, 2018
Health Journey
Thursday evening on March 30th, my life changed. I had gotten home, was in the process of changing and looking into going to see a movie that night, I can't remember now which one it was, when all of the sudden I had the most intense pain in my head, my eyes started involuntarily moving, I got very dizzy because of the movement, I had my son call 911, when they got there I had the hardest time with focus and answering questions, my BP was 240/140, all of this are the symptoms of a stroke, they transported me to the hospital of my choice, but at the hospital they determined it was a migraine, and never ran any more tests other than a CT and a pregnancy test. My BP remained consistently high, though never as high as that first number, but still in the 150's/90s and my pulse was high. They never did address that, and I am really upset with this hospital, especially considering the fact that I WORK FOR THEM. but that's ok, I still will go there, and I love my job and the hospital.
The following Monday I went to the doctor, the pain in my head was still there, not as bad, but it was there before the episode too, but only when i coughed or sneezed. My BP had been consistently high, she put me on lisinopril and ordered labs, and off I went. a few days later I got my labs done, and since I did it at the same hospital I was working, I was getting the results sent to me real time, and they were NOT good, everything from sodium to liver levels was off. My sugar and cholesterol, aside from the triglycerides was normal, the triglycerides were high. Things like osmolality and calcium levels, things I had never seen before, I can only imagine if they were off on Thursday, almost a week had gone by before I did labs, what if something caused the episode? April 3rd I went hard at my health. I did get taken off lisinopril, my BP was too low. I got placed on metoprolol instead, foor the head and high pulse.
Since April 3rd I haven't had a drop of caffeine, chocolate, sugars, candy, red meat, I eat a LOT of fish, chicken on occasion, asparagus cause its my favorite, zucchini, squash, brown rice, complex carb stuff. I've majorly cut dairy out, no cheeses, milk if I have any is fat free, but i rarely have milk. I stay away from a lot of breads, though I cheated for my sons birthday and had 1 slice of pizza, I have been firm on what I put in my mouth. I've started walking every day, and even more recently started joining a group of people at the park for free "fitcamp" I have been working hard. I've lost weight, but I don't go by the scale anymore, I measure myself, I have lost inches everywhere along with the pounds.
What I am most proud of, aside from my positive attitude, my lack of depression, my newfound energy, is that from April 6th (date of labs) to May 3rd (date of second labs) I was able to make my triglycerides go from 154 to 88. I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF. I do still have a ways to go, there are still concerns, despite cutting dairy out and stuff my calcium levels are still high. My liver levels are ALL shot. They even got worse this blood draw, so I am not sure what to do about that information, the doctor I work with said maybe if I keep exercising they will start to turn around, but it's concerning and I need to watch it, I see my primary doctor on the 11th to follow up.
SO this is my life now, it's only been a month, I know I have plateaus and things coming up, but I'm hoping that my stubborness and determination to NEVER get at the point I was at again will help. I have a positive attitude about this, and I really believe I can do it. AND I WILL.
The following Monday I went to the doctor, the pain in my head was still there, not as bad, but it was there before the episode too, but only when i coughed or sneezed. My BP had been consistently high, she put me on lisinopril and ordered labs, and off I went. a few days later I got my labs done, and since I did it at the same hospital I was working, I was getting the results sent to me real time, and they were NOT good, everything from sodium to liver levels was off. My sugar and cholesterol, aside from the triglycerides was normal, the triglycerides were high. Things like osmolality and calcium levels, things I had never seen before, I can only imagine if they were off on Thursday, almost a week had gone by before I did labs, what if something caused the episode? April 3rd I went hard at my health. I did get taken off lisinopril, my BP was too low. I got placed on metoprolol instead, foor the head and high pulse.
Since April 3rd I haven't had a drop of caffeine, chocolate, sugars, candy, red meat, I eat a LOT of fish, chicken on occasion, asparagus cause its my favorite, zucchini, squash, brown rice, complex carb stuff. I've majorly cut dairy out, no cheeses, milk if I have any is fat free, but i rarely have milk. I stay away from a lot of breads, though I cheated for my sons birthday and had 1 slice of pizza, I have been firm on what I put in my mouth. I've started walking every day, and even more recently started joining a group of people at the park for free "fitcamp" I have been working hard. I've lost weight, but I don't go by the scale anymore, I measure myself, I have lost inches everywhere along with the pounds.
What I am most proud of, aside from my positive attitude, my lack of depression, my newfound energy, is that from April 6th (date of labs) to May 3rd (date of second labs) I was able to make my triglycerides go from 154 to 88. I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF. I do still have a ways to go, there are still concerns, despite cutting dairy out and stuff my calcium levels are still high. My liver levels are ALL shot. They even got worse this blood draw, so I am not sure what to do about that information, the doctor I work with said maybe if I keep exercising they will start to turn around, but it's concerning and I need to watch it, I see my primary doctor on the 11th to follow up.
SO this is my life now, it's only been a month, I know I have plateaus and things coming up, but I'm hoping that my stubborness and determination to NEVER get at the point I was at again will help. I have a positive attitude about this, and I really believe I can do it. AND I WILL.
Sunday, December 3, 2017
Pensive today
There is a girl that I used to work with, still have her on my friends list on facebook, we still chat here and there. She's a slight bit older than me, but not by a huge amount. I knew she had a new scary cancer diagnosis recently, but today I read her blog, the story of the how, and I learned that she's got stage 4 breast cancer, that has metastasized to her spine and sacrum. This is a woman that just a couple of years ago did Iron Man.
I know there are so many people in so many stages of struggles with health and cancer going through things right now. I have a cousin that's done it several times, my stepmother is going through radiation, I have family that had cancer and passed, I see patients every day. Reading Nicoles story though it just brought tears to my eyes, life is so precious. To be so strong and capable of running/biking/swimming miles all day long, to hearing those awful words, its truly heartbreaking. Cancer sucks. I know she can beat this though.
I'm going to hug my son just a little bit tighter tonight, and tell him that I love him, just a few more times than my usual once, because tomorrow isn't promised, so much can happen. If something does happen to me though, ever. I want for my mom or my dad to have him, I know they did a wonderful job with me, that he will be just as cared for if not more.
Sunday, October 29, 2017
Black and White
Sometimes when I look at Stephen I don't see autism, I don't see Aspergers. I see a normal boy, with no challenges, just that he is who he is. I love him no matter what, regardless of what label is attached to him. He's so much amazingness all wrapped up in this gigantic ball of boy, all arms and legs and taller than I would expect him to be at this age. Even though I see all this normalness and amazingness in him, there are times when it smacks me right in the face again, boom..there's the aspergers.
He has always enjoyed music. More recently his passion has become classical, and to narrow it down even further, the organ. He wants to learn how to play the organ. This is his music instrument of choice when it comes to listening at night as he sleeps, or when he's in a place that is too loud and has to put music on with his headphones. It's his go to when he has a meltdown and needs to step back and calm down. It sounds like an awful racket to me, but he loves it. This weekend I thought about going into a music store in town and inquiring about lessons. He went with me of course, because he was excited about the possibility . When we got there he went and ogled the guitar. Guitar has also been a lifelong wish to learn as well. So I inquired about lessons. And that's when it hit, the big revelation that my kid has Autism.
There is often a hard line between black and white with kids with Aspergers. They have a hard time seeing the grey. On this particular instance, the man told us that there isn't any organ lessons, but there are dozens of teachers that teach piano lessons. He kept asking about the organ, where he can go to learn, etc. The man tried to tell him that the piano is the same, except extra keys. I could tell though, Stephen no longer wanted lessons from this place. He doesn't see it has a piano can give him a foundation to the next instrument, its organ or nothing. I was going to get him lessons, maybe start right then because there was a instructor available, but nope, he was ready to go. I told him to think about it, but it's clear the window has passed. He doesn't want music lessons anymore. Maybe one day the guitar will come back around, but the idea of learning a piano instead of an organ isn't as appealing. He said he wanted to think about it, but I know him, I don't think it will happen any time soon. It sucks. I think he would enjoy it.
I'm trying to get him out there, lessons, either music, or basketball, or cooking lessons, something to get him socializing and learning something that he enjoys, get him out of the house. I may be shelving the musical lessons for the time being, but he seemed excited about cooking lessons, so I'm online googling up a storm! Hopefully the black and white won't trip us up again.
He has always enjoyed music. More recently his passion has become classical, and to narrow it down even further, the organ. He wants to learn how to play the organ. This is his music instrument of choice when it comes to listening at night as he sleeps, or when he's in a place that is too loud and has to put music on with his headphones. It's his go to when he has a meltdown and needs to step back and calm down. It sounds like an awful racket to me, but he loves it. This weekend I thought about going into a music store in town and inquiring about lessons. He went with me of course, because he was excited about the possibility . When we got there he went and ogled the guitar. Guitar has also been a lifelong wish to learn as well. So I inquired about lessons. And that's when it hit, the big revelation that my kid has Autism.
There is often a hard line between black and white with kids with Aspergers. They have a hard time seeing the grey. On this particular instance, the man told us that there isn't any organ lessons, but there are dozens of teachers that teach piano lessons. He kept asking about the organ, where he can go to learn, etc. The man tried to tell him that the piano is the same, except extra keys. I could tell though, Stephen no longer wanted lessons from this place. He doesn't see it has a piano can give him a foundation to the next instrument, its organ or nothing. I was going to get him lessons, maybe start right then because there was a instructor available, but nope, he was ready to go. I told him to think about it, but it's clear the window has passed. He doesn't want music lessons anymore. Maybe one day the guitar will come back around, but the idea of learning a piano instead of an organ isn't as appealing. He said he wanted to think about it, but I know him, I don't think it will happen any time soon. It sucks. I think he would enjoy it.
I'm trying to get him out there, lessons, either music, or basketball, or cooking lessons, something to get him socializing and learning something that he enjoys, get him out of the house. I may be shelving the musical lessons for the time being, but he seemed excited about cooking lessons, so I'm online googling up a storm! Hopefully the black and white won't trip us up again.
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Trials and Tribulations
When you are a parent, either single or a double parent, there are many trials and tribulations that you can face when raising a child. You watch your child go through milestones, go through make up and break ups of friendships, succeeding or struggling in school. So many things parents go through, at all levels of difficulties. For me, watching my kiddo struggle in areas that come so easily to people, is the hardest thing I ever have experienced in my life.
He's been diagnosed with Autism (aspergers or ASD) ADD, dyslexia and dysgraphia. School is a constant struggle for him, and now that he's growing older, some of the challenges I see him face aren't just academic. I had a meeting this morning with his school, it was for the 504 plan he had in place, they were regrouping and updating and making sure that everything is going okay. Academically I think he's doing pretty good, his biggest challenges are tests and turning in assignments/homework. He came to the meeting, he had some input, and one of the things he said was absolutely heartbreaking.
He's struggling socially. He has no friends. It's so hard for me to type that. When we were in elementary school and karate, he had friends, mostly karate friends, friends that he did things with. Those friends are starting to get older and are outgrowing the things that Stephen loves so much. He's almost a teenager, but he still loves legos. He went to a friends house this weekend while I got my car fixed and he left so depressed, because his two friends were more interested in playing video games against each other than play with him. He feels like he's not friends with them anymore. And today at the meeting he told them that he sits by himself at lunch, he doesn't have anyone to talk to or socialize with, everyone thinks he's weird. As a mom, that is just so freaking heartbreaking, I'm just tearing up thinking about it.
I knew it was coming, because people with ASD tend to have a hard time socially, and they tend to think about things on a different level, and his lego passion is a childs thing, whereas people in middle school have moved on.
It just hurts. I needed to process this and vent it, decided to do it on a blog here. His school has assigned him a social worker, and theres still now IEP in sight despite a letter and a prescription with his diagnosis on it, he's got to go through intervention process again, and even though he's been in intervention 5 years now, it doesn't really matter because he's in a new school, new district, so he starts all over again. ugh. but the social worker is supposed to help with social skills and things like that, so im hopeful.
He's been diagnosed with Autism (aspergers or ASD) ADD, dyslexia and dysgraphia. School is a constant struggle for him, and now that he's growing older, some of the challenges I see him face aren't just academic. I had a meeting this morning with his school, it was for the 504 plan he had in place, they were regrouping and updating and making sure that everything is going okay. Academically I think he's doing pretty good, his biggest challenges are tests and turning in assignments/homework. He came to the meeting, he had some input, and one of the things he said was absolutely heartbreaking.
He's struggling socially. He has no friends. It's so hard for me to type that. When we were in elementary school and karate, he had friends, mostly karate friends, friends that he did things with. Those friends are starting to get older and are outgrowing the things that Stephen loves so much. He's almost a teenager, but he still loves legos. He went to a friends house this weekend while I got my car fixed and he left so depressed, because his two friends were more interested in playing video games against each other than play with him. He feels like he's not friends with them anymore. And today at the meeting he told them that he sits by himself at lunch, he doesn't have anyone to talk to or socialize with, everyone thinks he's weird. As a mom, that is just so freaking heartbreaking, I'm just tearing up thinking about it.
I knew it was coming, because people with ASD tend to have a hard time socially, and they tend to think about things on a different level, and his lego passion is a childs thing, whereas people in middle school have moved on.
It just hurts. I needed to process this and vent it, decided to do it on a blog here. His school has assigned him a social worker, and theres still now IEP in sight despite a letter and a prescription with his diagnosis on it, he's got to go through intervention process again, and even though he's been in intervention 5 years now, it doesn't really matter because he's in a new school, new district, so he starts all over again. ugh. but the social worker is supposed to help with social skills and things like that, so im hopeful.
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Dear Jason, Jesse, Patsy, and Mike
Dear Jason,
I hate you. I hate you so much that I don't feel anything for you. You were my first, my first really big mistake. You took one look at me, and decided I was naive and easy to manipulate, I was a mark to you. You took everything that was good in me, and manipulated it to turn me into someone that I didn't like. You once held a knife at me, threatened to kill me and my son, if I got in the car and left. You took things I held dear, and pawned them, you once brought one of your lovers into my house, to introduce me to her, so that she knew what I looked like when you badmouthed me. You gave me a disease, that I can never be cured of. You burned a hole in my heart and filled it full of darkness and fear. You made me nothing, you used me up and hurt me, until I was broken. For everything you did to me, and my son I hate you.
Dear Jesse,
I hate you. I hate you so much that I don't feel anything for you, When I met you I was just coming out of the thing with Jason. You took one look at me, so broken and afraid and decided I was perfect. You swept me off my feet, in the quickest way possible, and rushed me down the isle, in what is probably my first and only wedding, err elopement. You took my broken soul, and decided it wasn't broke enough. You hid your lies behind your charm and smiles, and made me see only the facade of you. Once you had me, and I couldn't leave, you showed me your addiction to pills, your addiction to lying, your addiction to pawn shops, you put not just my son in danger, but you put me in danger, the person you swore to love and cherish. You took a look at me in the begining and saw that I was the most perfect person for you, in how broken I was, that I would be easily manipulated and abused. You took my car, my job, and my items you pawned, including my grandmothers wedding ring, and eventually you took my home. You introduced me to the world of drug dealers, and shady people, you introduced me to the world of knowing cops and paramedics on a first name basis. You introduced me to the world of DCF, and you put me on the streets with your introduction of yet another overdose. You used me up and hurt me until I was broken. For everything you did to me, and my son, I hate you.
Dear Patsy,
I hate you,. I hate you so much that I don't feel anything for you. You invited me into your home, as my blood aunt, after the world of Jesse. You took one look at me, so broken and afraid and numb, and decided I was perfect. I was perfect to beat into submission, not literally, but spiritually. You decided that as a Christian woman it was your duty to have me into your home, but once I was there, I had to live under a iron thumb. I had to clean your clothes, I had to walk on tipy toes, I had to live with the thermostat at 88 degrees, I had to do the trash, I had to clean constantly. Under your OCD and watchful eye, not one crumb could be left on a dinner tray. I had to watch as you tried to turn my son against me, blaming that one crumb on my lack of cleanliness, and punished him not allowing him to watch tv. Once, tile fell down in the shower, after years of no one showering in that shower, the glue behind it gave away, and I was blamed. My dog had to live in the heat outside, and one day, she disappeared, I reported her missing, and she was found across the city, You gave me two weeks to find a home for her, then gave me 3 weeks to find a home for me and stephen. You wouldn't let me keep her for another week until I could find a place. Your reasoning for kicking us out? my son, who is autistic, asked you why he couldn't eat in the living room, but you could. Your christian values, we lived in constant chaos that was controlled by a OCD person, nothing we did was right. And when you felt disrespected because of a question, you told us to go, in an email. You took pictures of my personal space, my personal belongings, and called me a slob, but you didn't take pictures of the messes you left for me to clean. After we moved out you went after my dad for money that I supposedly owed, and you cut my cell phone off, you returned my check that paid for that cellphone, and cut me off from the world. I was working at healing myself, instead I was getting thrown into this world of utter despair, I tried to find solace in a church of my chosing, but it wasn't your church, so you weren't happy. I lost my spirituality after you, I found religion in my time of Jesse, my only light in darkness, and you took it away. I'm now agnostic, if there is a God, how would he let a christian woman treat us like that? I lost my faith in family because of you. The only family that matters to me right now are my mom and my dad, and a few others. Because family wouldn't treat family like that. You used me up, and hurt me until I was broken. It wasn't enough that I wasn't healed from my exes, you had to break me more. For everything you did to me, and my son, I hate you.
Dear Mike,
Fast forward 4 years. I'm healed. I am happy. I was ready for you. You took one look at me and I don't know what you saw when you looked at me, you were so closed up. We decided we should try this thing out. We dated for 6 months, then you decided that if I wanted things to be official, it would be up to me. We were together for a year and half. We did things, I was happy, there was no drama, no arguing, nothing. I was so happy. I thought we were perfect together, you had your problems in your past, I had mine. I felt like I would never loose myself in you, like I did with them. I never felt like you would cheat, or lie, or manipulate. You were my equal, in so many things. We had fun. It took me a long time to feel like I loved you, I was still a little sore inside from them, but I felt like you were healing me so much more than I could heal myself. I never said I love you. You never said you loved me. I didn't see for so long, how unhealthy our relationship was. Even now, months after we split up, I still find myself in denial sometimes. There were so many red flags, You introduced me to strangers as your friends. I never was introduced to family. I did meet one friend, who is now a pretty good friend of mine, but I can't even remember if you introduced me as a friend, or gf, I know she knew I was a gf cause she was on my fb, and you never facebook friended me, even though you knew it bothered me. I was never invited to your trips to jacksonville, but you brought with you friends of yours. I felt like your dirty little secret. I trusted you wholeheartedly. You crushed that trust, when our mutual friend showed me a screenshot of you and her in front of a courthouse, 2 days after telling me you were moving to seattle to be with your son. a weeks and weeks of texting you asking for answers, you still haven't given me any. You ghosted. 1.5 years of dating, of so many good times, constantly texting each other, even in that last month I saw you more that month than I had in a long time. Then you ghosted. I have been through a lot, but never in my life have I ever been so heartbroken as I have been the past few months. You broke me again. For everything you did to me, I hate you.
Dear Therapist,
You listened to me when I told you all of this, you listened when I went into more detail, you listened to me analyze everything. You listened to me when I told you that I went out and bought a car, and one of my first thoughts was that Mike had never touched it. You listened to me when I said I was moving to another place, and it makes me happy that Mike had never been there. You listened to me when I said I really wanted a new bed, cause mike had never touched it. Then you told me, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what happened to me in the past, what matters now, is they made their choices, and I made mine. It doesn't matter that Mike ghosted, he made his choice to cheat and pick someone else, the answers I seek have nothing to do with what I do going forward, I am never getting back together with them. It makes sense. You taught me a word, it resonated so deeply in me. Codependency. With that word, you're teaching me to heal again. I don't want to be broken anymore. I accept responsibility that everyone in my past, they aren't the ones that broke me. I broke me. Jason, Jesse, Patsy, Mike, I don't hate you at all, I don't even hate you a little bit. I've got some work to do, because I think I hate myself, more than I ever thought I hated you.
Codependency. It describes me to a T. I loose myself in my partners, I find people and attract people because of that. I become the relationship I am in. I need to break free of those chains. Some of the coping mechanisms is journaling, which is why I am here today. This was so much more to me than a blog. It was a longwinded goodbye letter, to all of those that I've felt like are the source of my anguish. I can't say I will never think back and feel pain and hurt all over again, but I want to change the cycle going forward. I don't want to be here in 5 years with bitterness in my heart over failed relationships, failed friendships, or a failed life. I want to move to Sanford, get my fresh start, and be a better me.
Thanks for listening.
I hate you. I hate you so much that I don't feel anything for you. You were my first, my first really big mistake. You took one look at me, and decided I was naive and easy to manipulate, I was a mark to you. You took everything that was good in me, and manipulated it to turn me into someone that I didn't like. You once held a knife at me, threatened to kill me and my son, if I got in the car and left. You took things I held dear, and pawned them, you once brought one of your lovers into my house, to introduce me to her, so that she knew what I looked like when you badmouthed me. You gave me a disease, that I can never be cured of. You burned a hole in my heart and filled it full of darkness and fear. You made me nothing, you used me up and hurt me, until I was broken. For everything you did to me, and my son I hate you.
Dear Jesse,
I hate you. I hate you so much that I don't feel anything for you, When I met you I was just coming out of the thing with Jason. You took one look at me, so broken and afraid and decided I was perfect. You swept me off my feet, in the quickest way possible, and rushed me down the isle, in what is probably my first and only wedding, err elopement. You took my broken soul, and decided it wasn't broke enough. You hid your lies behind your charm and smiles, and made me see only the facade of you. Once you had me, and I couldn't leave, you showed me your addiction to pills, your addiction to lying, your addiction to pawn shops, you put not just my son in danger, but you put me in danger, the person you swore to love and cherish. You took a look at me in the begining and saw that I was the most perfect person for you, in how broken I was, that I would be easily manipulated and abused. You took my car, my job, and my items you pawned, including my grandmothers wedding ring, and eventually you took my home. You introduced me to the world of drug dealers, and shady people, you introduced me to the world of knowing cops and paramedics on a first name basis. You introduced me to the world of DCF, and you put me on the streets with your introduction of yet another overdose. You used me up and hurt me until I was broken. For everything you did to me, and my son, I hate you.
Dear Patsy,
I hate you,. I hate you so much that I don't feel anything for you. You invited me into your home, as my blood aunt, after the world of Jesse. You took one look at me, so broken and afraid and numb, and decided I was perfect. I was perfect to beat into submission, not literally, but spiritually. You decided that as a Christian woman it was your duty to have me into your home, but once I was there, I had to live under a iron thumb. I had to clean your clothes, I had to walk on tipy toes, I had to live with the thermostat at 88 degrees, I had to do the trash, I had to clean constantly. Under your OCD and watchful eye, not one crumb could be left on a dinner tray. I had to watch as you tried to turn my son against me, blaming that one crumb on my lack of cleanliness, and punished him not allowing him to watch tv. Once, tile fell down in the shower, after years of no one showering in that shower, the glue behind it gave away, and I was blamed. My dog had to live in the heat outside, and one day, she disappeared, I reported her missing, and she was found across the city, You gave me two weeks to find a home for her, then gave me 3 weeks to find a home for me and stephen. You wouldn't let me keep her for another week until I could find a place. Your reasoning for kicking us out? my son, who is autistic, asked you why he couldn't eat in the living room, but you could. Your christian values, we lived in constant chaos that was controlled by a OCD person, nothing we did was right. And when you felt disrespected because of a question, you told us to go, in an email. You took pictures of my personal space, my personal belongings, and called me a slob, but you didn't take pictures of the messes you left for me to clean. After we moved out you went after my dad for money that I supposedly owed, and you cut my cell phone off, you returned my check that paid for that cellphone, and cut me off from the world. I was working at healing myself, instead I was getting thrown into this world of utter despair, I tried to find solace in a church of my chosing, but it wasn't your church, so you weren't happy. I lost my spirituality after you, I found religion in my time of Jesse, my only light in darkness, and you took it away. I'm now agnostic, if there is a God, how would he let a christian woman treat us like that? I lost my faith in family because of you. The only family that matters to me right now are my mom and my dad, and a few others. Because family wouldn't treat family like that. You used me up, and hurt me until I was broken. It wasn't enough that I wasn't healed from my exes, you had to break me more. For everything you did to me, and my son, I hate you.
Dear Mike,
Fast forward 4 years. I'm healed. I am happy. I was ready for you. You took one look at me and I don't know what you saw when you looked at me, you were so closed up. We decided we should try this thing out. We dated for 6 months, then you decided that if I wanted things to be official, it would be up to me. We were together for a year and half. We did things, I was happy, there was no drama, no arguing, nothing. I was so happy. I thought we were perfect together, you had your problems in your past, I had mine. I felt like I would never loose myself in you, like I did with them. I never felt like you would cheat, or lie, or manipulate. You were my equal, in so many things. We had fun. It took me a long time to feel like I loved you, I was still a little sore inside from them, but I felt like you were healing me so much more than I could heal myself. I never said I love you. You never said you loved me. I didn't see for so long, how unhealthy our relationship was. Even now, months after we split up, I still find myself in denial sometimes. There were so many red flags, You introduced me to strangers as your friends. I never was introduced to family. I did meet one friend, who is now a pretty good friend of mine, but I can't even remember if you introduced me as a friend, or gf, I know she knew I was a gf cause she was on my fb, and you never facebook friended me, even though you knew it bothered me. I was never invited to your trips to jacksonville, but you brought with you friends of yours. I felt like your dirty little secret. I trusted you wholeheartedly. You crushed that trust, when our mutual friend showed me a screenshot of you and her in front of a courthouse, 2 days after telling me you were moving to seattle to be with your son. a weeks and weeks of texting you asking for answers, you still haven't given me any. You ghosted. 1.5 years of dating, of so many good times, constantly texting each other, even in that last month I saw you more that month than I had in a long time. Then you ghosted. I have been through a lot, but never in my life have I ever been so heartbroken as I have been the past few months. You broke me again. For everything you did to me, I hate you.
Dear Therapist,
You listened to me when I told you all of this, you listened when I went into more detail, you listened to me analyze everything. You listened to me when I told you that I went out and bought a car, and one of my first thoughts was that Mike had never touched it. You listened to me when I said I was moving to another place, and it makes me happy that Mike had never been there. You listened to me when I said I really wanted a new bed, cause mike had never touched it. Then you told me, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what happened to me in the past, what matters now, is they made their choices, and I made mine. It doesn't matter that Mike ghosted, he made his choice to cheat and pick someone else, the answers I seek have nothing to do with what I do going forward, I am never getting back together with them. It makes sense. You taught me a word, it resonated so deeply in me. Codependency. With that word, you're teaching me to heal again. I don't want to be broken anymore. I accept responsibility that everyone in my past, they aren't the ones that broke me. I broke me. Jason, Jesse, Patsy, Mike, I don't hate you at all, I don't even hate you a little bit. I've got some work to do, because I think I hate myself, more than I ever thought I hated you.
Codependency. It describes me to a T. I loose myself in my partners, I find people and attract people because of that. I become the relationship I am in. I need to break free of those chains. Some of the coping mechanisms is journaling, which is why I am here today. This was so much more to me than a blog. It was a longwinded goodbye letter, to all of those that I've felt like are the source of my anguish. I can't say I will never think back and feel pain and hurt all over again, but I want to change the cycle going forward. I don't want to be here in 5 years with bitterness in my heart over failed relationships, failed friendships, or a failed life. I want to move to Sanford, get my fresh start, and be a better me.
Thanks for listening.
Friday, July 8, 2016
Understanding my son, and maybe me, just a little bit more.
It's been a while since I've posted a non book review blog. I need to write down the things that I've recently learned. What better way to do it than blog about it, I can edit and erase and save, and come back to it, all the while venting my own thoughts about it.
Asperger's Syndrome, Dysgraphia, Dyslexia, ADD. All of these things are a label that has recently been slapped on my 11 year old son. ADD is a somewhat older diagnosis, and one that we are probably going to revisit, as of right now we're on a trial of no medications to see how he does, not that I think anything will help, because there's no treatment for the other things that he has, except for therapy, and he hasn't had that yet. He says he's doing okay, he's just tired, he thinks the medication helped him stay awake. Of course it is summer right now, there's no need to focus on school work. I haven't looked into Dysgraphia or Dyslexia yet, mostly because there wasn't any books on it at the library.
Over the course of the past week I have read no less than 5 books on Asperger's Syndrome. These are the things I have learned. I knew a lot of things about him, but a lot of it didn't truly CLICK in my head until I read about what a person with Asperger's thoughts are. And now I understand my son just a little bit more than I did before. I'll post this where family can read it, or whoever, maybe it will help explain a few things that they've noticed.
1) He's got sensory issues. When Stephen would beg not to wear long pants during the winter, and would claim the cold doesn't bother him. This was a symptom. Every book I have read mentioned that Aspies are seemingly unaware of things like cold or heat or pain. He claimed he wasn't cold, maybe because he wasn't? Also, he doesn't like the feel of things on his lower legs. Sensory things. Also a symptom. I think this also means that I have to figure out how to get him to wear long pants or I could be accused of neglect or something when it's cold. That is going on my list of questions to ask a doctor, how do I approach things like that. He also dresses for comfort. I thought basketball shorts/shirt was because its popular, its cool. Actually, he likes the feel of it on his skin, AND it doesn't have a tag that irritates his neck. So until he finds something else he likes the feel of on his skin, he's getting basketball clothes. Specifically Nike, more specifically Black and red. He has a closet full of polo shirts, he says he doesn't like the feel of them, he never wears them. I've noticed the clothes that he will wear, are mainly 100% cotton, and comfortable. He dresses for comfort, not for looks. He has a problem with basic hygeine. He doesn't like strong toothpastes, or the feel of dove soap and some other soaps. Food isn't a huge problem, unless it's stuff like processed cheese. It's not fun for him, the taste and texture, and me not being on top of his lunch money sometimes has caused huge problems in school because they give him a grilled cheese sandwhich, which is his own bitter enemy in the food category.
2) He is very literal, I have always known this about him. If you call his nana grandma, he will correct you. If you ground him but decide to let him have one thing back one day earlier, he will tell you "you told me I won't have this until this day" he's very firm about being called Stephen with a PH. If you call him Steve, it's not pretty. He does have a grasp of idioms and sayings and sarcasim, but sometimes he will correct you. Don't be offended or put off, he's actually very much high functioning asperger, some people don't grasp the idioms or slang or anything at ALL. If it's something new he's never heard, chances are he will correct you, or take you very seriously. He will take a brussel sprout and call it a lettuce ball, because thats what he thinks of it. It's funny, but in hindsight, sometimes aspies will call things by a literal name, because thats what it looks like, so therefore thats what it is.
3) He's very blunt. If you are a family member and you tell him that he cannot eat in the living room because his mother didn't clean a tray properly, then you feel disrespected because he asked why you were eating in the living room yourself? this is not disrespect, this is a symptom, this is him being literal and being blunt. This is him not understanding. You need to reevaluate your christian views because you kicked my son out of your house for being himself.
4) He doesn't act his age. He's 11, he does not have the same interest as other 11 year olds. He still loves legos, minecraft, and playing with his younger best friends, but because peers his age are starting to get into older things, he has trouble making friends. Right now we are okay, but as his friends age and get into older things, they might start breaking away from him, and as a mother, I need to be prepared to not murder people for hurting my son for not being his friends anymore.
5) He has passions. This is what I have learned subjects that he is intensely focused on are called. His passions, things that he is very passionate about. I remember when he was so young, a year old? less? older? I don't know, I just know that he made me watch the movie Cars until we went through THREE dvds. They were watched so much they stopped working. Finding Nemo was another one, we went through two of those. For the longest time it was pirates, the titanic was in there for a little bit. It was star wars, the army, pokemon. The longest running things and the biggest were pirates, minecraft, and legos. Minecraft and legos are the top of the list right now. Ask him about minecraft and you will learn more than you ever wanted to know about it. He is big into hacking his current game, and it drives me nuts because his phone is practically about to explode from all the apps he's downloaded, but it makes him insanely happy, and he loves it when I ask about it, he goes on and on and his face just lights up.
6) He doesn't understand boundaries. He actually goes against everything Aspie in this aspect. Most don't like to be touched. He loves hugs, he's very very affectionate, unfortunately, he also has a problem with personal bubbles. He completely doesn't understand that sometimes people just have this bubble that you really shouldn't cross. It's not his fault, he just doesn't have the social knowhow about it. And if I tell him that I have a personal bubble that I need less hugs at this moment in time, the blunt literal thing comes out. "You don't have a bubble, you're my mommy" he doesn't understand that sometimes, people just don't like to be tapped on the head. He tends to tap people on the head a lot. It's one of those things that he does that drives me nuts, I'm sure it'll drive someone else nuts, but it's just one of those things that I have to work on getting him to understand, I don't know how yet, but it's on the list of questions to ask a doctor.
7) He expects promises to be kept. If you mention in passing that you will always reward him with a good report card, when that report card comes out, you better have money to buy something. If you don't he will remind you that you promised to buy it, over and over again. He will shop amazon on your phone, his phone, his tablet, your computer if it wasn't locked with a password. If you tell him you can't get it right now, there's no money for it, expect a problem. If you tell him that you will make sure he always has a pair of brand new shoes on his feet, he will mention to you that he has a hole in his current shoes, and it's time for brand new ones (my dad and stepmom know what i'm talking about) IF you tell him you will take him to dinner that night, or that we're going somewhere, make sure it happens, because he expects it now.
8) He shuts down. One of his biggest symptoms ever, that he was even taking medication for, was shutting down. It was labeled anger. That is not what it is. This is what we call a meltdown. A meltdown is typical of an Aspie. if you see a kid in the middle of a hallway at walmart screaming at the top of his lungs laying on the floor, chances are that child is a autistic child. Stephen doesn't outwardly meltdown, he inwardly melts down. Sometimes Stephen will get frustrated, overstimulated, overwhelmed, that he has no choice but to shut down, he gets quiet, he withdraws completely, and the best thing to do in that situation is to just let him be. In his head he is going through his own process of calming down and relaxing and he will eventually snap out of it. He tried to tell me once what his process was, but it's his own process, it's hard to explain. The biggest cause I have noticed from stephen shutting down, is being told to do something that he doesn't want to do. He has a HUGE problem with change. It's also from him not understanding what is going on in a school setting. If he's doing something his own way, and someone tells him no, it's done that way, he's doing his own ritual, rituals are very important to an Aspie, it helps him understand. And to be told to change and do it some other way, that is grounds for a meltdown. If he is in a loud, crowded place, he will be in sensory overload, too much going on at once, he's going to shut down. He has told several people that he doesn't like being in a school cafeteria because it is too loud. He's very literal, if he sees other kids playing around, talking, skipping in line, he will think that is okay for him to do, so when he gets in trouble, while other kids don't get in trouble, that is definitely grounds for a meltdown. I don't believe he experiences anger like most people, I think he gets scared. He doesn't feel safe, he doesn't feel comfortable, so what else to do but shut down.
9) He seems like he is overreacting. There are some things that he focuses on, things that are so far remote from happening EVER, yet it scares him to death. I always thought it was his imagination, but it turns out that he probably really was concerned about these things. Some of the things that I can recall off the top of my head.. tornadoes. I remember one particular storm in oak hill, he was full blown meltdown, like outwardly melting down. We were in fact under a tornado warning, He was scared to death. He had watched Tom and Jerry's wizard of oz, and for years after that, he was terrified of that movie, the real movie, I even had to stay home one day with him because his class was going on a field trip to see a play based on the wizard of oz. It was all because of a fear of a tornado. Even 3-4 years after all of that, he would occasionally bring up a "what if a tornado..." and now and then during a bad storm, he has one of those "what if there was a tornado right now?" next time this happens, I will sit down with him and explain what we will be doing if there was a tornado. I won't blow it off like, yeah okay thats never going to happen. I think that this fear of his and the "what ifs" were genuine concerns of his, and I need to learn to not blow things like that off. Zombies. Zombies is another one that I would physically roll my eyes at. Also possibly another genuine concern, "what if zombies would come right now" Maybe I need to go get a book on surviving a zombie Apocalypse, so that he has the information he needs to survive one. maybe he needs to be provided with the information on what to do to be safe if something extreme ever happened, so that he can feel safe. But again this is one of those things I don't know about, do I encourage and provide him the information, or do I not? If he doesn't process things the way a normal person would, something that would seem so incredibly far out there, might be a real and possible thing to him, until he learns about it. This is another question for how to react.
Aspies can come across as self centered, selfish, manipulative, but in reality, they have absolutely no idea what they are doing wrong. From the things I've read, they feel so much, but have a hard time expressing it, the social awkwardness that comes from having such a hard time making friends, they don't know how to really have conversations, start up conversations, so the topic always turns back to them, and what they like, or what they think about this. Stephen might not ever know how to start a conversation that doesn't begin with his favorite topics. If you ask him how was school, he doesn't have much to say about it, but if you ask him how to build something in minecraft, if it's created or built, or whatever he will glow and talk for hours until you wish you never asked.
The more I read, the more I am finding things that I can even apply to my own self. I like solitude, I prefer it even. I don't make friends easily, I don't understand a lot of the social things going on around me. I don't understand why family members don't accept my friendship on facebook, what I did or said that made them so mad that they wouldn't want anything to do with me. I said something to a former friend/coworker that was taken the wrong way, and to this day I still don't fully understand how I upset her so much that a lot of my coworkers don't like me. Apparently what I said was so upsetting, but I don't understand WHY? It wasn't meant to come out like that. I've apologized over and over, but nothing.. So another friendship bites the dust (We have talked some since, and it appears to be worked out between her and I). Past relationships, I remember one of my ex's telling me there was something wrong with my way of thinking, that i'm crazy and I'll probably end up alone. I figured it was just another form of abuse, but what if some part of my thinking process is really not the same as everyone elses? I have zero social skills, I've always considered myself a extreme introvert. It doesn't occur to me to keep up with people the way that I should, I don't initiate stuff, and most of the time I have to be told, hey, call this person for this reason, unless I have a alert on my phone reminding me that this event is coming up. I get really anxious when something new happens, a new place a new party, a gathering where I meet someone new. If I ever met my boyfriends family all together, I swear I'm going to have a panic attack the entire way there and just typing what I have makes my stomach hurt. I don't like confrontation, if someone is yelling at me, or upset at me, I retreat to another room, usually with a book, I withdraw and need my space, and to be alone. As a teen I was always aware that I never quit fit in, I faked it a lot, and I pushed myself. I didn't think working in the public would be my thing, so I got a job at Publix. Faking it is was easy for me, and since Publix, every job I've had is with the public, I force myself out there so now I am good at what I do, I may not have meaningful conversations with my patient, but if I put myself out there and say more than hi to someone, I can usually get through it pretty easy. If I'm honest with myself, I question how I do what I do, and so well. I think a lot of the speech therapy I had as a kid, the therapy I went through in school for my hearing impairment helped me learn facial expressions and things, that made me better socially, I really think that, and I think if stephen has all of that, he is going to thrive too. I also have sensory weirdnesses, I can't stand the feel of a lot of things, from lace to the roof of a car to a soft fuzzy blanket, if my skin gets dry, especially on my leg, I can't stand the feel of it so much that it hurts. My whole life I have fiddled with the edge of pillowcases, my pillowcases are so warn down and threadbare from fiddling, that I think it's part of my stim process, it's how I relax, how I calm down, I know when im stressed, or upset, i grab a pillow, if a pillow isn't around, them hem of my clothes get it. If I am not fiddling with something, usually im scratching at my scalp. You know I'm upset or something is going on if im scratching my scalp, or picking at it. A stim is basically like rocking or flapping (those are typical stims) neither stephen nor I do that, his relaxation is retreating to his mind, in a quiet space..mine is fiddling or picking. I can't communicate well in person, face to face. If someone asked me to talk about this in person, I wouldn't be able to do it, I communicate better by writing, blogs, texts, emails, usually this is the way to go in talking to me.
My reading can be considered a passion. A normal person wouldn't read 500 books a year, with the intense hyperfocus that I have, where I will get emotionally angry at whatever interruption was going on to make me stop reading. One of the books I read was so awful, it was written by an Aspergirl, but one paragraph just resonated with me so much. here it is:
I've read a lot of books lately on Aspergers, and each one of them I was able to take something in it, and think about how Stephen is as a person, and apply it to him, and it was like connecting a puzzle. Some of it I was like, but that can't be right, is this the right diagnosis? Stephen isn't anything like that at ALL. I have learned that every Asperger's person is different. That's why they call it a Autism Spectrum, he's on the spectrum for autism but he is extremely high functioning. He might not be like the autistic kid you know from down the road, because he's not, his brain is made just for him. My son is perfect to me. Hopefully he is perfect to you too.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Everything I said isn't perfect, or an exact science, maybe I read too much into some of the things he does or says, but I'm still learning, I'm looking at my son with new eyes, taking what I know and fitting it with what I'm learning. When I read back on what I've connected together, it's amazing that I didn't see it before, but I never really knew much about any of it.
Asperger's Syndrome, Dysgraphia, Dyslexia, ADD. All of these things are a label that has recently been slapped on my 11 year old son. ADD is a somewhat older diagnosis, and one that we are probably going to revisit, as of right now we're on a trial of no medications to see how he does, not that I think anything will help, because there's no treatment for the other things that he has, except for therapy, and he hasn't had that yet. He says he's doing okay, he's just tired, he thinks the medication helped him stay awake. Of course it is summer right now, there's no need to focus on school work. I haven't looked into Dysgraphia or Dyslexia yet, mostly because there wasn't any books on it at the library.
Over the course of the past week I have read no less than 5 books on Asperger's Syndrome. These are the things I have learned. I knew a lot of things about him, but a lot of it didn't truly CLICK in my head until I read about what a person with Asperger's thoughts are. And now I understand my son just a little bit more than I did before. I'll post this where family can read it, or whoever, maybe it will help explain a few things that they've noticed.
1) He's got sensory issues. When Stephen would beg not to wear long pants during the winter, and would claim the cold doesn't bother him. This was a symptom. Every book I have read mentioned that Aspies are seemingly unaware of things like cold or heat or pain. He claimed he wasn't cold, maybe because he wasn't? Also, he doesn't like the feel of things on his lower legs. Sensory things. Also a symptom. I think this also means that I have to figure out how to get him to wear long pants or I could be accused of neglect or something when it's cold. That is going on my list of questions to ask a doctor, how do I approach things like that. He also dresses for comfort. I thought basketball shorts/shirt was because its popular, its cool. Actually, he likes the feel of it on his skin, AND it doesn't have a tag that irritates his neck. So until he finds something else he likes the feel of on his skin, he's getting basketball clothes. Specifically Nike, more specifically Black and red. He has a closet full of polo shirts, he says he doesn't like the feel of them, he never wears them. I've noticed the clothes that he will wear, are mainly 100% cotton, and comfortable. He dresses for comfort, not for looks. He has a problem with basic hygeine. He doesn't like strong toothpastes, or the feel of dove soap and some other soaps. Food isn't a huge problem, unless it's stuff like processed cheese. It's not fun for him, the taste and texture, and me not being on top of his lunch money sometimes has caused huge problems in school because they give him a grilled cheese sandwhich, which is his own bitter enemy in the food category.
2) He is very literal, I have always known this about him. If you call his nana grandma, he will correct you. If you ground him but decide to let him have one thing back one day earlier, he will tell you "you told me I won't have this until this day" he's very firm about being called Stephen with a PH. If you call him Steve, it's not pretty. He does have a grasp of idioms and sayings and sarcasim, but sometimes he will correct you. Don't be offended or put off, he's actually very much high functioning asperger, some people don't grasp the idioms or slang or anything at ALL. If it's something new he's never heard, chances are he will correct you, or take you very seriously. He will take a brussel sprout and call it a lettuce ball, because thats what he thinks of it. It's funny, but in hindsight, sometimes aspies will call things by a literal name, because thats what it looks like, so therefore thats what it is.
3) He's very blunt. If you are a family member and you tell him that he cannot eat in the living room because his mother didn't clean a tray properly, then you feel disrespected because he asked why you were eating in the living room yourself? this is not disrespect, this is a symptom, this is him being literal and being blunt. This is him not understanding. You need to reevaluate your christian views because you kicked my son out of your house for being himself.
4) He doesn't act his age. He's 11, he does not have the same interest as other 11 year olds. He still loves legos, minecraft, and playing with his younger best friends, but because peers his age are starting to get into older things, he has trouble making friends. Right now we are okay, but as his friends age and get into older things, they might start breaking away from him, and as a mother, I need to be prepared to not murder people for hurting my son for not being his friends anymore.
5) He has passions. This is what I have learned subjects that he is intensely focused on are called. His passions, things that he is very passionate about. I remember when he was so young, a year old? less? older? I don't know, I just know that he made me watch the movie Cars until we went through THREE dvds. They were watched so much they stopped working. Finding Nemo was another one, we went through two of those. For the longest time it was pirates, the titanic was in there for a little bit. It was star wars, the army, pokemon. The longest running things and the biggest were pirates, minecraft, and legos. Minecraft and legos are the top of the list right now. Ask him about minecraft and you will learn more than you ever wanted to know about it. He is big into hacking his current game, and it drives me nuts because his phone is practically about to explode from all the apps he's downloaded, but it makes him insanely happy, and he loves it when I ask about it, he goes on and on and his face just lights up.
6) He doesn't understand boundaries. He actually goes against everything Aspie in this aspect. Most don't like to be touched. He loves hugs, he's very very affectionate, unfortunately, he also has a problem with personal bubbles. He completely doesn't understand that sometimes people just have this bubble that you really shouldn't cross. It's not his fault, he just doesn't have the social knowhow about it. And if I tell him that I have a personal bubble that I need less hugs at this moment in time, the blunt literal thing comes out. "You don't have a bubble, you're my mommy" he doesn't understand that sometimes, people just don't like to be tapped on the head. He tends to tap people on the head a lot. It's one of those things that he does that drives me nuts, I'm sure it'll drive someone else nuts, but it's just one of those things that I have to work on getting him to understand, I don't know how yet, but it's on the list of questions to ask a doctor.
7) He expects promises to be kept. If you mention in passing that you will always reward him with a good report card, when that report card comes out, you better have money to buy something. If you don't he will remind you that you promised to buy it, over and over again. He will shop amazon on your phone, his phone, his tablet, your computer if it wasn't locked with a password. If you tell him you can't get it right now, there's no money for it, expect a problem. If you tell him that you will make sure he always has a pair of brand new shoes on his feet, he will mention to you that he has a hole in his current shoes, and it's time for brand new ones (my dad and stepmom know what i'm talking about) IF you tell him you will take him to dinner that night, or that we're going somewhere, make sure it happens, because he expects it now.
8) He shuts down. One of his biggest symptoms ever, that he was even taking medication for, was shutting down. It was labeled anger. That is not what it is. This is what we call a meltdown. A meltdown is typical of an Aspie. if you see a kid in the middle of a hallway at walmart screaming at the top of his lungs laying on the floor, chances are that child is a autistic child. Stephen doesn't outwardly meltdown, he inwardly melts down. Sometimes Stephen will get frustrated, overstimulated, overwhelmed, that he has no choice but to shut down, he gets quiet, he withdraws completely, and the best thing to do in that situation is to just let him be. In his head he is going through his own process of calming down and relaxing and he will eventually snap out of it. He tried to tell me once what his process was, but it's his own process, it's hard to explain. The biggest cause I have noticed from stephen shutting down, is being told to do something that he doesn't want to do. He has a HUGE problem with change. It's also from him not understanding what is going on in a school setting. If he's doing something his own way, and someone tells him no, it's done that way, he's doing his own ritual, rituals are very important to an Aspie, it helps him understand. And to be told to change and do it some other way, that is grounds for a meltdown. If he is in a loud, crowded place, he will be in sensory overload, too much going on at once, he's going to shut down. He has told several people that he doesn't like being in a school cafeteria because it is too loud. He's very literal, if he sees other kids playing around, talking, skipping in line, he will think that is okay for him to do, so when he gets in trouble, while other kids don't get in trouble, that is definitely grounds for a meltdown. I don't believe he experiences anger like most people, I think he gets scared. He doesn't feel safe, he doesn't feel comfortable, so what else to do but shut down.
9) He seems like he is overreacting. There are some things that he focuses on, things that are so far remote from happening EVER, yet it scares him to death. I always thought it was his imagination, but it turns out that he probably really was concerned about these things. Some of the things that I can recall off the top of my head.. tornadoes. I remember one particular storm in oak hill, he was full blown meltdown, like outwardly melting down. We were in fact under a tornado warning, He was scared to death. He had watched Tom and Jerry's wizard of oz, and for years after that, he was terrified of that movie, the real movie, I even had to stay home one day with him because his class was going on a field trip to see a play based on the wizard of oz. It was all because of a fear of a tornado. Even 3-4 years after all of that, he would occasionally bring up a "what if a tornado..." and now and then during a bad storm, he has one of those "what if there was a tornado right now?" next time this happens, I will sit down with him and explain what we will be doing if there was a tornado. I won't blow it off like, yeah okay thats never going to happen. I think that this fear of his and the "what ifs" were genuine concerns of his, and I need to learn to not blow things like that off. Zombies. Zombies is another one that I would physically roll my eyes at. Also possibly another genuine concern, "what if zombies would come right now" Maybe I need to go get a book on surviving a zombie Apocalypse, so that he has the information he needs to survive one. maybe he needs to be provided with the information on what to do to be safe if something extreme ever happened, so that he can feel safe. But again this is one of those things I don't know about, do I encourage and provide him the information, or do I not? If he doesn't process things the way a normal person would, something that would seem so incredibly far out there, might be a real and possible thing to him, until he learns about it. This is another question for how to react.
Aspies can come across as self centered, selfish, manipulative, but in reality, they have absolutely no idea what they are doing wrong. From the things I've read, they feel so much, but have a hard time expressing it, the social awkwardness that comes from having such a hard time making friends, they don't know how to really have conversations, start up conversations, so the topic always turns back to them, and what they like, or what they think about this. Stephen might not ever know how to start a conversation that doesn't begin with his favorite topics. If you ask him how was school, he doesn't have much to say about it, but if you ask him how to build something in minecraft, if it's created or built, or whatever he will glow and talk for hours until you wish you never asked.
The more I read, the more I am finding things that I can even apply to my own self. I like solitude, I prefer it even. I don't make friends easily, I don't understand a lot of the social things going on around me. I don't understand why family members don't accept my friendship on facebook, what I did or said that made them so mad that they wouldn't want anything to do with me. I said something to a former friend/coworker that was taken the wrong way, and to this day I still don't fully understand how I upset her so much that a lot of my coworkers don't like me. Apparently what I said was so upsetting, but I don't understand WHY? It wasn't meant to come out like that. I've apologized over and over, but nothing.. So another friendship bites the dust (We have talked some since, and it appears to be worked out between her and I). Past relationships, I remember one of my ex's telling me there was something wrong with my way of thinking, that i'm crazy and I'll probably end up alone. I figured it was just another form of abuse, but what if some part of my thinking process is really not the same as everyone elses? I have zero social skills, I've always considered myself a extreme introvert. It doesn't occur to me to keep up with people the way that I should, I don't initiate stuff, and most of the time I have to be told, hey, call this person for this reason, unless I have a alert on my phone reminding me that this event is coming up. I get really anxious when something new happens, a new place a new party, a gathering where I meet someone new. If I ever met my boyfriends family all together, I swear I'm going to have a panic attack the entire way there and just typing what I have makes my stomach hurt. I don't like confrontation, if someone is yelling at me, or upset at me, I retreat to another room, usually with a book, I withdraw and need my space, and to be alone. As a teen I was always aware that I never quit fit in, I faked it a lot, and I pushed myself. I didn't think working in the public would be my thing, so I got a job at Publix. Faking it is was easy for me, and since Publix, every job I've had is with the public, I force myself out there so now I am good at what I do, I may not have meaningful conversations with my patient, but if I put myself out there and say more than hi to someone, I can usually get through it pretty easy. If I'm honest with myself, I question how I do what I do, and so well. I think a lot of the speech therapy I had as a kid, the therapy I went through in school for my hearing impairment helped me learn facial expressions and things, that made me better socially, I really think that, and I think if stephen has all of that, he is going to thrive too. I also have sensory weirdnesses, I can't stand the feel of a lot of things, from lace to the roof of a car to a soft fuzzy blanket, if my skin gets dry, especially on my leg, I can't stand the feel of it so much that it hurts. My whole life I have fiddled with the edge of pillowcases, my pillowcases are so warn down and threadbare from fiddling, that I think it's part of my stim process, it's how I relax, how I calm down, I know when im stressed, or upset, i grab a pillow, if a pillow isn't around, them hem of my clothes get it. If I am not fiddling with something, usually im scratching at my scalp. You know I'm upset or something is going on if im scratching my scalp, or picking at it. A stim is basically like rocking or flapping (those are typical stims) neither stephen nor I do that, his relaxation is retreating to his mind, in a quiet space..mine is fiddling or picking. I can't communicate well in person, face to face. If someone asked me to talk about this in person, I wouldn't be able to do it, I communicate better by writing, blogs, texts, emails, usually this is the way to go in talking to me.
My reading can be considered a passion. A normal person wouldn't read 500 books a year, with the intense hyperfocus that I have, where I will get emotionally angry at whatever interruption was going on to make me stop reading. One of the books I read was so awful, it was written by an Aspergirl, but one paragraph just resonated with me so much. here it is:
Is that not me or what? cause I have done, and still do it all the time. my life depends on me finishing this book I'm reading..RIGHT NOW. It's painful to stop reading.
A diagnosis for me isn't life changing, there is no need, I am 35, I am who I am. I'm aware that I will never fit in, I'll never have a best friend to go do girl things with, I'm always going to be this awkward person that says or does things to annoy people, and people won't like me. I don't understand it, but it is what it is. I can't change me, and a diagnosis doesn't make me different. But maybe it will help others understand me a little bit better.
I've read a lot of books lately on Aspergers, and each one of them I was able to take something in it, and think about how Stephen is as a person, and apply it to him, and it was like connecting a puzzle. Some of it I was like, but that can't be right, is this the right diagnosis? Stephen isn't anything like that at ALL. I have learned that every Asperger's person is different. That's why they call it a Autism Spectrum, he's on the spectrum for autism but he is extremely high functioning. He might not be like the autistic kid you know from down the road, because he's not, his brain is made just for him. My son is perfect to me. Hopefully he is perfect to you too.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Everything I said isn't perfect, or an exact science, maybe I read too much into some of the things he does or says, but I'm still learning, I'm looking at my son with new eyes, taking what I know and fitting it with what I'm learning. When I read back on what I've connected together, it's amazing that I didn't see it before, but I never really knew much about any of it.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Mi vida loca
How can so much change happen in so little period of time? Sometimes I remember this blog and come look at it, and realize hoy cow, i just wrote this last blog months ago, but it feels like years!
Since November..
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and ptsd from my last relationship. Have to get my mood settled then go to outpatient therapy. Still working on that one.
My best friend moved in with me after an awful breakup. We both ventured into the relationship scene, she jumped into something and then suddenly..I had another roommate, and like something out of a jerry springer episode, he was gone. And already I feel a weight has been lifted.
We're looking to move again, some place bigger. I think that neither one of us are quite ready for relationships. So hopefully that won't be an issue. I'm not sure where we will go, or whatever, hopefully the next chapter will be way better than the last few months.
My dating life has consisted of dating, nothing serious. I do like one person, a lot, who also has a super busy schedule, so more often than not, I get stood up. Then a few sweet words later in all, aww. So who knows if the stars will ever align.
I have to go now, I'm hoping to write more often,now that I realize there's an app for my phone
Thursday, November 28, 2013
I think I hate thanksgiving.
Two years ago today, probably right about this time (9:55am) I get a call from the volusia county sheriff. I was at my job, entrusting my husband to watch my son, just for a few hours until I could get home and cook thanksgiving dinner. I'd left the number to the house I was at on the fridge, Stephen led the sheriff to the fridge so he could call me. They'd found my husband overdosed naked on the side of the road. my son by himself at the house. It came out later that my husband sold my laptop, and a friends laptop that we were fixing, to the local drug dealer took my son to the house to purchase the drugs, proceeded to continue driving around with him, then later, left him alone to do whatever. DCF was called, after my husband was taken to the hospital, and I had to run home in my employers car, find a place to put stephen, because i was advised that it would be not good to have my son there when jesse got out of the hospital. i spent the entire thanksgiving day crying because i couldnt spend it with my son, my husband, or cook turkey. Thats also the last time I watched the parade. I watched it with my employer until I got the call.
Last thanksgiving I spent the morning in the airport, got my mom, she spent it with me, i cooked, it was decent..I had a lot of fun, even the guy I was seeing at the time came over and ate with us i think? or was that the day after, I don't remember. LOL im getting old.
This thanksgiving my mom is down here living with her husband. I love having my mom close. I think though, that since thanksgiving was my favorite holiday growing up, it would continue being my favorite holiday, parade, food, football. but he wants to watch maury. and he says "if i want to watch maury in my own house on my own tv on thanksgiving, I will" so whatever. im back in the bedroom with my kid watching cartoons on the hub. no parade, no family time. whatever. i miss when I was a kid, going to my grandmas house, eating food watching tv, ending the meal with lots of deserts and christmas deserts to bring in the christmas season. I really miss my grandma. I miss my grandfather too. I wish, more than anything I could go back in time to see them, just one more time.
in the meantime, I think im done with this blasted holiday. I don't believe in it anymore.
Last thanksgiving I spent the morning in the airport, got my mom, she spent it with me, i cooked, it was decent..I had a lot of fun, even the guy I was seeing at the time came over and ate with us i think? or was that the day after, I don't remember. LOL im getting old.
This thanksgiving my mom is down here living with her husband. I love having my mom close. I think though, that since thanksgiving was my favorite holiday growing up, it would continue being my favorite holiday, parade, food, football. but he wants to watch maury. and he says "if i want to watch maury in my own house on my own tv on thanksgiving, I will" so whatever. im back in the bedroom with my kid watching cartoons on the hub. no parade, no family time. whatever. i miss when I was a kid, going to my grandmas house, eating food watching tv, ending the meal with lots of deserts and christmas deserts to bring in the christmas season. I really miss my grandma. I miss my grandfather too. I wish, more than anything I could go back in time to see them, just one more time.
in the meantime, I think im done with this blasted holiday. I don't believe in it anymore.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
busybusy
The last three months of the year are always insanely busy for me. Work, school stuff for stephen, holidays, christmas, christmas shopping, all of that fun stuff. Stress galore. So I don't think ill be posting much. I do see the page visits, so I know that I have readers, so yay. Just thought I'd stop in and post a little something. I'm still alive! and happy, and content, and all of that fun stuff.
Lesse..updates..
I have a roomie of sorts. A friend is going through hard times right now, so I'm letting her crash at my place, its been interesting, nice though having companionship. I don't have internet anymore at home, money woes. So I get on when I can, or do whatever, when I can. Mostly I have been just reading or watching tv, or hanging out with Rachel. It's nice.
Went with mom to get my hair cut at a charity thing this past weekend, and ran into someone who has connections to my best friend when i was a tot. she gave me my friends married name, and I found her on facebook, that was awesome, it made me really happy, and I'm really glad I could get in touch with her and see how well shes doing. but talk about blast from the past. now I just gotta remember what gina's last name was before she moved to colorado. ugh.
so thats that, i gotta go, bye! happy holidays if I don't check in.
Lesse..updates..
I have a roomie of sorts. A friend is going through hard times right now, so I'm letting her crash at my place, its been interesting, nice though having companionship. I don't have internet anymore at home, money woes. So I get on when I can, or do whatever, when I can. Mostly I have been just reading or watching tv, or hanging out with Rachel. It's nice.
Went with mom to get my hair cut at a charity thing this past weekend, and ran into someone who has connections to my best friend when i was a tot. she gave me my friends married name, and I found her on facebook, that was awesome, it made me really happy, and I'm really glad I could get in touch with her and see how well shes doing. but talk about blast from the past. now I just gotta remember what gina's last name was before she moved to colorado. ugh.
so thats that, i gotta go, bye! happy holidays if I don't check in.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Whatever
I didn't get to go to my appointment:( gotta reschedule it, the doc had an emergency meeting to go to or something.
I dropped my phone too, it's all cracked up. So being without internet, and with a broken phone, makes life harder for me.
My ex is still creating drama. Now I know why everyone was asking me Wtf? He's got some sort of magical powers that charms girls to see what he wants. He makes himself out to be the victim or something? Dunno, I can't quite figure it out. I'm over it. Aside from all that he put me through, he's not a good man if he's gunna go dating someone while telling me she's just the hired help. Deny that the girl is his gf, and tell me he still loves me. Lol. Whatever. He's not my problem anymore, he's hers. ***updatedtoadd* just talked a long time to robin, and jesse, his so called gf is off her rocker. thinks she owns Jesse. he thinks she's crazy, and his mom hates her. I kinda feel bad for her now actually. she seems to be missing a few screws. ohwell, it was nice to talk to robin, I really miss her, she was the best motherinlaw ever.
Other than that usual batch of bs, I'm doing fantastic. Started on b-12 shots and vitamin d, both which were deficient. I'm feeling a billion times better these days. A little too hyper and restless with energy, but better.
Today, my kid wanted to go to the library. He's becoming a pro at searching what topic he wants, and getting the book. The book worm in me is so proud.
his books
my books
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Content
There comes a point where you stop and say "I'm done" it can be anything, relationships, friendships, food, cigarettes, drugs, whatever. When you reach that point, conquer it, and move on, and reach the moment of contentment, I'm thinking it's going to be awesome. I'm still trying to reach that point. Every time I quit and walk away, there's always the aftereffects to deal with.
I walked away from a two year relationship that was abusive, and manipulative. Where I was cheated on, and given an std. From there I went to another emotionally abusive, manipulative relationship. The two were the same, with Jason it was alcohol and girls. With Jesse it was drugs, and if rumors were true, he sold his body for drugs. Both stole from me, money, pawned my stuff, and both wrecked my vehicle, which in return caused it to be repossessed. I have two repossessions. I have untold amounts of debts. I ran a credit report the other night, it's just awful. I had great credit before this. A year ago I was able to get financed at a car dealership after the crap I was driving died a painful death, with a beyond ridiculous payment amount. I'm trying to refinance, no one will touch me. All the bills I wasn't able to pay because I was too busy paying for their bad habits are killing me.
The stress, the ptsd with flashbacks and all. Every thing that was ever said to me. Every hit that was ever hit at me, every time they said that I was lucky to be with them. All the financial stress they gave me. I'm still dealing with it. I'm over medicated, over diagnosed, and over it.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with a psychologist, my second one. This one is supposed to evaluate me for add, or autism, or depressive disorder. I've already got ptsd, but I'm getting evaled for others. I'm so ready to be done and over it. They tell me I'll have the emotional scars forever. They tell me, it never quite goes away. Because of the choices I made, I'm forever labeled. I'm forever scarred. I'm forever distrustful. Well I end up old and alone? Probably. The one guy I dated after Jesse ended up scarring me too. The second one gave up and turned around and started dating someone else telling me he gives up because I didn't feel ready. Just when I was this close to BEING ready. The other one I was talking to heard about the std and ran away.
I'm trying so hard to be positive and uplifting in the face of every dang thing that's ever happened to me. But I'm still working on it, and apparently I will be forever. I'm so ready to reach that contented point. I'm tired, just tired of struggling. Tired of taking medication every day, tired of being frustrated because I can't cook a full proper meal for my son every night because I can't pay the bills, because of other people and their addictions.
And I fully resent my ex's. Both of them are free to move on, albeit one is in prison. The other is free to bad mouth me, blame his problems on me, or whatever else he's saying or doing. I resent I did everything for him, and he's got the nerve, to set his new girlfriend on me. I really resent that they don't have to pay, they don't have to pay me back, for the bills I never paid, for the cars they wrecked and the hit on my insurance, the repossessions. They don't have to pay me back. They walk away, free and clear to start a new life. Eff that.
So clearly I have done material for my head doctor tomorrow. But hopefully she will help me work things out. And maybe then I can be content.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Positivity
I went through my blog recently, to hide posts that I didn't really want noisy people to read about. I came across my "happiness" posts. I think it was a blogging dad back then, but it was so nice to gush about the positive things in my life. I'd like to do it again.
On Facebook, every day in November I usually post something that I am thankful for. So when I blog, it may very well be similar to my Facebook.
Today, my happiness is directed to my son. He is #1. I really think that if I didn't have him,I would have checked out a long time ago. With everything I've been through my whole life, and more recently the past 10-15 years, he is the one constant that keeps me anchored. He inspires me, and makes me strive to be better.
When I'm feeling down and out. When life kicks me in the rear like it's fond of doing, his smile and "mommy I love you" makes it better. He loves me no matter what. The choices I make, the mood I'm in, no matter what, he loves me. He tries so hard to step up and be the man of the house. He tries to take care of me, even by offering me half of his favorite piece of candy. his manners ate impeccable, he thanks people, without me prompting him to. He is considerate, and doesn't discriminate against anyone in regards to age or race. He's a great kid.I am so proud of him. Without him I don't know who I would be. From the moment I became a mom, I can't remeber my life from before, or how I managed it.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Halloween 2013
Today was Halloween. Somehow Stephen knows who Rick from the walking dead show is. That's who he wanted to be. I really had no money to buy a costume, couldn't even so a pumpkin this year:( so I took a page out of Halloween a few years ago, and created one. Jack sparrow will probably always be my favorite Halloween costume, but Rick is now my second favorite. I dressed up as a zombie, while he was Rick. It came out so cute.
Stephen was super happy. He thought he was the shnitz. And his ego went super big when most of the people recognized him and were like..omg!
Him happy, makes me happy :-)
Friday, October 25, 2013
Stalker
Hello little girl,
This blog is for you. Because I know you obsessively read them for proof of the horrible things he's told you about me. You know how I know he's telling you? My dear stalker, I was you. I was his "hun" his "baby" the only one he said he's ever loved as much as he did. I was you.
You're not so special as you think you are. Once upon a time, his ex and I had problems. We did the same thing that you and I are. Don't believe me? I'm sure I vented somewhere in this blog, in my ultimate superiority that our relationship was special, that she couldn't possibly know what our relationship entailed.
And all the while, I wondered why the hell he never once spoke up in my defense, I was constantly in a battle with her, by myself. Just like he never defended me to her, he will never defend you, to me.
I have since spoken to her, and all of it has been cleared up. She told me the nasty things Jesse would tell her, I told her all the nasty things Jesse had told me about her.
So you see little girl, you can tell whoever until you are blue in the face that he's special and loves you above all else, and everyone else has done him wrong, call me a bitch, call me whatever you want. The truth is? I was you. And I'm finally at the point in my life where I'm no longer blinded by his once in a lifetime love, that I can tell you, I don't give a duck, if you are dating him.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Side Effects
I'm watching a movie, it's called Side Effects. Basically it's about a girl who suffers from depression, she goes on all sorts of anti-depression medications until she gets on a new one, which causes her to sleep walk. While sleepwalking, she kills her husband. In this movie, the person was prescribed the medication. it kinda goes wierd after that, i wont talk too much about the ending, but the beginning and middle, really hit home.
I don't talk too much about the things that my ex husband did. He abused pills. Mostly stuff like temazepam. but he would take anything and everything he could get his hands on. Over the counter stuff was taken like candy. Most of the time he would black out and sleep walk. The things he did, he never hurt me, but he could have, it could have went the way things went in the movies. There were times when I walked in on him doing weird things. Once I caught him putting dawn dish detergent on a shoe, and putting it in the oven. It happened in the wee hours of the night. If I had been asleep, and not up all night following him around during his black out, would the shoe have caught fire?
How many times was he high and blacked out on medications when he was driving me or my son around? he was high on temazepam when he drove home from daytona and cracked my car up. Why didn't the cops see it, and arrest him?
The day that was the final day of our relationship, the day of thanksgiving, when I got the call that he OD'd on the side of the road, and he was watching Stephen, it came out later that he was driving places, he went to his drug dealers house a few times, with stephen in the car. He doesn't remember doing it.
I look at my son now, the choices I made then, even though I was kinda stuck, with no car and job and stuff, I made it out. I look at my son now, and I see a content happy little boy. By the grace of God, we made it through that, all the close calls, and probably couldas and what ifs. we made it through, and we're alive, and well and happy.
I don't talk too much about the things that my ex husband did. He abused pills. Mostly stuff like temazepam. but he would take anything and everything he could get his hands on. Over the counter stuff was taken like candy. Most of the time he would black out and sleep walk. The things he did, he never hurt me, but he could have, it could have went the way things went in the movies. There were times when I walked in on him doing weird things. Once I caught him putting dawn dish detergent on a shoe, and putting it in the oven. It happened in the wee hours of the night. If I had been asleep, and not up all night following him around during his black out, would the shoe have caught fire?
How many times was he high and blacked out on medications when he was driving me or my son around? he was high on temazepam when he drove home from daytona and cracked my car up. Why didn't the cops see it, and arrest him?
The day that was the final day of our relationship, the day of thanksgiving, when I got the call that he OD'd on the side of the road, and he was watching Stephen, it came out later that he was driving places, he went to his drug dealers house a few times, with stephen in the car. He doesn't remember doing it.
I look at my son now, the choices I made then, even though I was kinda stuck, with no car and job and stuff, I made it out. I look at my son now, and I see a content happy little boy. By the grace of God, we made it through that, all the close calls, and probably couldas and what ifs. we made it through, and we're alive, and well and happy.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Today.
“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou
Today, I went and removed some stuff from a storage unit, and took it to a different storage unit. I hadn't touched this stuff in almost 2 years now. Some of it I really wish I could have here with me. The reason I can't is cause its 100 miles away and I need to find someone to help me with it. Today though, my dad hired three guys to move it from one place to the next, with hopes that soon we can find some people who will be willing to take the day to move the stuff for me long distance and up a flight of stairs. At one point when it was at the new place, my dad left me alone for a while to start going through stuff, to get rid of, or condense, so that when I do retrieve my stuff, it won't be so much.
I hadn't touched this stuff in 2 years, and when I opened them, so much of it I remembered the last time I touched it, I had a husband. I touched it in a home I'd made my own. Circumstances changed that, and today.. I was able to take my wedding dress, and put it in a box, and take it to goodwill. I went through boxes of high school memories. I went through boxes of childhood memories. I went through a bin full of things I brought back with me from my month in spain. I've lived a pretty decent life. ..I've had a lot of opportunities that a lot of people don't have. I've had some hard knocks and some major screw ups. but today, when I was sitting on a storage unit floor, surrounded by memories, a bored guy who was tasked to stay in case i needed help moving boxes, and a chatterbox eight year old being nosy about every little thing I was looking at..I realized something today. I realized that I am really blessed. I'm blessed to have my mom, im blessed to have my dad. Im blessed with all of my stepfamily. the family members that are here for me, and love me. I have a great kid, we have a great apartment, and I have a great job, with a great car. i have more stuff probably than most people. I have a crap ton of bad memories, money woes, and emotional upheaval enough to last me four lifetimes...but if you look at how far I've come since thanksgiving two years ago..and to be able to take that wedding dress and throw it in a box, and not feel one ounce of sadness or nostalgia, or anything..not even bitterness. I think I've learned a lot lately. The biggest lesson I probably could have learned, that there will be a brighter tomorrow, even if tomorrow turns out to be cloudy.. as long as i try to keep my focus on my family and my life, and getting through it, and being positive..things will be okay.
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