Content

There comes a point where you stop and say "I'm done" it can be anything, relationships, friendships, food, cigarettes, drugs, whatever.  When you reach that point, conquer it, and move on, and reach the moment of contentment, I'm thinking it's going to be awesome.  I'm still trying to reach that point.  Every time I quit and walk away, there's always the aftereffects to deal with.

I walked away from a two year relationship that was abusive, and manipulative.  Where I was cheated on, and given an std.  From there I went to another emotionally abusive, manipulative relationship.  The two were the same, with Jason it was alcohol and girls.  With Jesse it was drugs, and if rumors were true, he sold his body for drugs.  Both stole from me, money, pawned my stuff, and both wrecked my vehicle, which in return caused it to be repossessed.  I have two repossessions.  I have untold amounts of debts.  I ran a credit report the other night, it's just awful.  I had great credit before this.  A year ago I was able to get financed at a car dealership after the crap I was driving died a painful death, with a beyond ridiculous payment amount.  I'm trying to refinance, no one will touch me.  All the bills I wasn't able to pay because I was too busy paying for their bad habits are killing me.

The stress, the ptsd with flashbacks and all.  Every thing that was ever said to me.  Every hit that was ever hit at me, every time they said that I was lucky to be with them.  All the financial stress they gave me.  I'm still dealing with it.  I'm over medicated, over diagnosed, and over it.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a psychologist, my second one.  This one is supposed to evaluate me for add, or autism, or depressive disorder.  I've already got ptsd, but I'm getting evaled for others. I'm so ready to be done and over it.  They tell me I'll have the emotional scars forever. They tell me, it never quite goes away.  Because of the choices I made, I'm forever labeled.  I'm forever scarred.  I'm forever distrustful. Well I end up old and alone?  Probably.  The one guy I dated after Jesse ended up scarring me too.  The second one gave up and turned around and started dating someone else telling me he gives up because I didn't feel ready.  Just when I was this close to BEING ready.  The other one I was talking to heard about the std and ran away.

I'm trying so hard to be positive and uplifting in the face of every dang thing that's ever happened to me.  But I'm still working on it, and apparently I will be forever.  I'm so ready to reach that contented point.  I'm tired, just tired of struggling.  Tired of taking medication every day, tired of being frustrated because I can't cook a full proper meal for my son every night because I can't pay the bills, because of other people and their addictions.

And I fully resent my ex's.  Both of them are free to move on, albeit one is in prison.  The other is free to bad mouth me, blame his problems on me, or whatever else he's saying or doing.  I resent I did everything for him, and he's got the nerve, to set his new girlfriend on me.  I really resent that they don't have to pay, they don't have to pay me back, for the bills I never paid, for the cars they wrecked and the hit on my insurance, the repossessions.  They don't have to pay me back.  They walk away, free and clear to start a new life.  Eff that.

So clearly I have done material for my head doctor tomorrow.  But hopefully she will help me work things out.  And maybe then I can be content.