Side Effects

I'm watching a movie, it's called Side Effects.  Basically it's about a girl who suffers from depression, she goes on all sorts of anti-depression medications until she gets on a new one, which causes her to sleep walk.  While sleepwalking, she kills her husband.  In this movie, the person was prescribed the medication.  it kinda goes wierd after that, i wont talk too much about the ending, but the beginning and middle, really hit home.

I don't talk too much about the things that my ex husband did.  He abused pills.  Mostly stuff like temazepam.  but he would take anything and everything he could get his hands on.  Over the counter stuff was taken like candy.  Most of the time he would black out and sleep walk.  The things he did, he never hurt me, but he could have, it could have went the way things went in the movies.  There were times when I walked in on him doing weird things.  Once I caught him putting dawn dish detergent on a shoe, and putting it in the oven.  It happened in the wee hours of the night.  If I had been asleep, and not up all night following him around during his black out, would the shoe have caught fire?

How many times was he high and blacked out on medications when he was driving me or my son around?  he was high on temazepam when he drove home from daytona and cracked my car up.  Why didn't the cops see it, and arrest him?

The day that was the final day of our relationship, the day of thanksgiving, when I got the call that he OD'd on the side of the road, and he was watching Stephen, it came out later that he was driving places, he went to his drug dealers house a few times, with stephen in the car.  He doesn't remember doing it.

I look at my son now, the choices I made then, even though I was kinda stuck, with no car and job and stuff, I made it out.  I look at my son now, and I see a content happy little boy.  By the grace of God, we made it through that, all the close calls, and probably couldas and what ifs.  we made it through, and we're alive, and well and happy.

Today.

“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou 

Today, I went and removed some stuff from a storage unit, and took it to a different storage unit.  I hadn't touched this stuff in almost 2 years now.  Some of it I really wish I could have here with me.  The reason I can't is cause its 100 miles away and I need to find someone to help me with it.   Today though, my dad hired three guys to move it from one place to the next, with hopes that soon we can find some people who will be willing to take the day to move the stuff for me long distance and up a flight of stairs.  At one point when it was at the new place, my dad left me alone for a while to start going through stuff, to get rid of, or condense, so that when I do retrieve my stuff, it won't be so much.  

I hadn't touched this stuff in 2 years, and when I opened them, so much of it I remembered the last time I touched it, I had a husband.  I touched it in a home I'd made my own.  Circumstances changed that, and today.. I was able to take my wedding dress, and put it in a box, and take it to goodwill.  I went through boxes of high school memories.  I went through boxes of childhood memories.  I went through a bin full of things I brought back with me from my month in spain.  I've lived a pretty decent life.  ..I've had a lot of opportunities that a lot of people don't have.  I've had some hard knocks and some major screw ups.  but today, when I was sitting on a storage unit floor, surrounded by memories, a bored guy who was tasked to stay in case i needed help moving boxes, and a chatterbox eight year old being nosy about every little thing I was looking at..I realized something today.  I realized that I am really blessed.  I'm blessed to have my mom, im blessed to have my dad.  Im blessed with all of my stepfamily.  the family members that are here for me, and love me.  I have a great kid, we have a great apartment, and I have a great job, with a great car.  i have more stuff probably than most people.  I have a crap ton of bad memories, money woes, and emotional upheaval enough to last me four lifetimes...but if you look at how far I've come since thanksgiving two years ago..and to be able to take that wedding dress and throw it in a box, and not feel one ounce of sadness or nostalgia, or anything..not even bitterness.  I think I've learned a lot lately.  The biggest lesson I probably could have learned, that there will be a brighter tomorrow, even if tomorrow turns out to be cloudy.. as long as i try to keep my focus on my family and my life, and getting through it, and being positive..things will be okay.  

Roads Untraveled

I'm going through a Linkin Park kick right now.  I got their most recent cd, and even though I haven't quite made it past track number 7..i love the cd.  3 was over played, then 2 was, then 1 was, then 6 was LOL i get obsessed with a song and listen to it over and over, then i decide to try another song out.  one day I will be able to say, yeah, i love the whole cd!

One of the songs on there though, not my favorite yet, its a little too slow for LP.  BUT.  the words.  the words.  oh those words.

Weep not for roads untraveled 

Weep not for paths left alone 

Cause beyond every bend is a long blinding end 

It's the worst kind of pain I've known 

Give up your heart left broken. 

And let that mistake pass on 

Cause the love that you lost wasn't worth what it cost 

And in time you'll be glad it's gone. 

(Whoa) x 4 

(Whoa) x2 

Weep not for roads untraveled 

Weep not for sights unseen 

May your love never end and if you need a friend, 

There's a seat here alongside me. 

(Whoa) x4 

The words give me the chills.  Late at night, or during that time of the month, or when the mood just has you thinking about things.   and where he says "Cause the love that you lost wasn't worth what it cost, and in time, you'll be glad it's gone".   *chills*  even when he sings it.. its haunting.  painful.  its slow, and it goes  "..cause the love...that you lost...wasn't worth...what it cost.."  it pauses, and you can just feel it.  I can't explain it.  

Every song on that cd just about, speaks to me.  Track one is my theme song.  Love it.

(yeah) (yo)

You were that foundation

Never gonna be another one, no.

I followed, so taken

So conditioned I could never let go

Then sorrow, then sickness

Then the shock when you flip it on me

So hollow, so vicious

So afraid I couldn't let myself see

That I could never be held

Back or up no, I'll hold myself

Check the rep, yep you know mine well

Forget the rest let them know my hell

There and back yet my soul ain't sell

Kept respect up,the best they fell,

Let the rest be the tale they tell

That I was there saying

In these promises broken

Deep below

Each word gets lost in the echo

So one last lie I can see through

This time I finally let you

Go, go, go.

Test my will, test my heart

Let me tell you how the odds gonna stack up

Y'all go hard, I go smart

How's that working out for y'all in the back, huh?

I've seen that frustration

Been crossed and lost and told "No"

And I've come back unshaken

Let down and lived and let go

So you can let it be known

I don't hold back, I hold my own

I can't be mapped, I can't be cloned

I can't C-flat / it ain't my tone

I can't fall back, I came too far

Hold myself up and love my scars

Let the bells ring wherever they are

'Cause I was there saying...

In these promises broken

Deep below

Each word gets lost in the echo

So one last lie I can see through

This time I finally let you go!!!

Go, go, go.

No, you can tell 'em all now

I don't back up, I don't back down

I don't fold up, and I don't bow

I don't roll over, don't know how

I don't care where the enemies are

Can't be stopped, all I know; go hard

Won't forget how I got this far

For every time saying

In these promises broken

Deep below

Each word gets lost in the echo

So one last lie I can see through

This time I finally let you

Go, go, go. (Go, go, go)

Go. go, go. (Go, go, go)

reminiscing

You know what drives me absolutely nuts?  It's feeling nostalgic.   It leads to memories, which makes me question my choices in life.

I have an ex.  I think that I started on the wrong path in life when I broke up with him.  I've kept in touch all these years, remained friends.  Talked a lot throughout the years, more lately, I guess, with the ease of texting and facebook being at the tip of my fingers wherever I go.  So talking to him so much, and kinda coming to a closure as far as the bad breakup, forgiveness and all that fun stuff, I find myself thinking of the days when life was good, and it was, with him, i loved him bunches and bunches.  I think we were both too young, had too much growing up to do.

For some reason today I started thinking about how we would go to these computer conventions.  wandering around booths and booths of computer parts and stuff that was beyond me.  It was bloody fun!  and then driving all over creation looking for me a used book store.  Going to the irish pub down the road.  fun things like that.  It got me thinking.. what if?   what if I stayed with him?  what if?  wonder where I would be today?  It's so weird thinking about that, how every single thing I have done in my life, the choices that I have made, have brought me to this point in time.  Does everything happen for a reason?  Or are we predestined to make the choices we make?  I'd love to see the alternate reality.  lol.

Don't get me wrong, I would go back and do the same thing all over again, because I can't imagine my life without Stephen.  I just can't, its not possible.  He is my life.  I was living for nothing until I had him, and now I'm alive.

Then lets say my ex decides he wants to try again, moves down, we get back together, all that stuff that happens in the happy ever after of true love in the books.  what would the relationship be like? now that its been years later, 9 years since we split.  I know they say you can't really have what you used to have back, that people break up for a reason.  I cant help the wierd crap my mind was spinning today.  Alternative realities, and do-overs and all that wierd stuff.

Just been thinking about this hard, had to write it down.  it'd be a good book?  If only i felt like writing a book.  someone ghost write it for me:)    

My inner me

I've been doing a lot of inner contemplating lately.  There was recently drama that blew insanely out of proportion in my family, because I posted my views on the Trayvon Martin issue.  A family member said something that hurt me, a friend defended me, and the family member is hurt because of the friend attacking me.  Both the family member and my mom are on the defensive about facebook, how I need to watch what I say, or it will come back to bite me in the behind.  I think mostly it's a generational thing, because 90% of my facebook friends are my age give or take a bit, and all of them post things all day long. 

So I've been thinking, because I've noticed lately I post more about my personal views on things than not. 

I think that I have spent most of my life being the quiet bookworm in the corner not saying much of anything, to anyone.  And for the most part, that's awesome.  I liked it.  Unfortunately, it made me a target for people who take advantage.  I have spent so much of my life doing so much for other people, it was always about them, never about me.  The last few relationships I had, were abusive.  My relationship with my ex husband was mostly emotionally abusive.  So many things that happened during our relationship, many things I have never told a soul, to the things that everyone knows about.  And every.  single.  bit.  of that relationship was all about him.  He was the bone that finally broke me.  It's been a year and half and I still have flashbacks. 

Prior to him, was Jason.  Jason was verbally and physically abusive as well as emotionally.  It was awful, and that's all I will say about that.  I'll revert back to my withdrawn quiet self.

My point of that little hashback, is that in every relationship, my voice got smaller and smaller.  *I* faded into the background.  I always felt, never heard.  There were times in my head I heard myself screaming so loud, but nothing was coming out.  And I was separated from so much, my friends, my family.  My ex's and their insecurities demanded my life revolve around them, not my friends, not my family.

With my ex husband, I found religion, I used it to cope, to comfort, I was so insanely happy with it.  I believed with all my heart.  I believed in the power of prayer, that if I prayed hard enough, everything would be okay.  Then I had to leave, I moved in with a family member whom I don't consider family anymore.  She killed me even more.  She tore me to shreds, I moved in with a vicious manipulative woman.  One of the typical women that give Christians a bad name.  The hypocritical kind.  All her promises and sweet words, then the moment I move, it was like, I tip toed around, I couldn't be myself, I couldn't do the things I liked, Stephen failed miserably at school, he was miserable, I was miserable, I would have rather have been back in my marriage, than living there.  Every little time I got happy, she would make me even more miserable than before.  She rejoiced in trying to turn my son against me, and it was WORKING.  7 months after I moved, she decided she couldn't live with us in the house, and kicked me and Stephen out.  I truly believe she tried to kill my dog by letter her out, about a few weeks before I moved out.  I bent over backwards making her happy.  And all I got out of that was more and more and more of my voice being pushed back.  Not only did she kill any confidence I could have gained, but she killed my beliefs in religion.  I have been struggling so hard to believe anymore.  I prayed and prayed and prayed things would get better with her, that after I left my abusive situation with my dopehead husband, I'd find happiness, I got down on my knees and prayed that I could keep my animals, my dog, that Stephen would thrive.  I prayed.  And while I prayed, she would throw the scripture at me, demand things from me in the name of God or whatever, and showed me the hypocrisy in religion. 

Her kicking me out was the best thing that could have happened.  It's been a struggle, money wise, being lonely, adjusting to it being just me and Stephen.  being so far from family, not really knowing anyone over here.  There was drama in the friendship department for a while, now it seems to be smoother.  my mom is close, shes helping as much as she can, my dad and stepmom are helping as much as they can, even by just listening to me.  I feel that while I was living at my ex-relatives house, I got closer to them, and they took my dog in, which I can't even begin to tell anyone how grateful I am to them for that. 

So all of the rehashing has brought me to my point.  I think that in the past year since moving out of my ex-relatives house, I have been steadily working up to where I am today.

I struggle with religion.  I believed so hard a few years ago, and now I struggle.  If God is supposed to love everyone equally, without reservations, why is there a Westboro Baptist Church?  Why could someone who claims to be deeply religious, throw a family member and her son out in the streets?  Why did my friends cousin have to die so young, but a really old man still lives on molesting children.  Why are the most sympathetic people, my closest friends, who support me in every decision I make, listen to me without judgment, atheists? but the most judgmental people are religious people?  just things like that.

Maybe I didn't show emotion, or talk about my views, or kept quiet and to myself before, but I'm finding that I have a voice.  I care about my surroundings.  I care about the results of the trayvon martin trial, I care about the fact that the bomber is on the cover of rolling stone magazine.  I care about the fact that a single mom can't get food stamps, but a teacher living with her dope addicted boyfriend can.  I care about the fact that the weather lately has been insane, and its probably global warming.  I care about the fact that someone can't adopt a child, or marry the person they love because the person happens to be the same sex.    I may not know the people in the news personally, but I have my opinion on them, and I care about what my opinions are.  As long as I'm not talking about blowing things up or murdering anyone, or becoming some political person, it shouldn't matter that I have an opinion, and care about my opinion.  To me, I feel like it shows personal growth, that I can learn about something or hear about something, form an opinion on it, and stand up for my beliefs.  Because if I stand up, or express my opinion, it shows that I **DO** have a voice, I own that voice, that voice is MINE.  It's liberating. 

My new second grader

My baby isn't a baby anymore. 

                                        This was my baby a couple days ago.


so cute and sweet and innocent, I can remember it all so clearly. 

                                                 This is my baby now.


He's now a second grader.  A know it all, independent, stubborn hard headed one to boot.  He's a mini me, in every way.

................and he's not a first grader anymore.



                       BABY I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!

My future Stephen King/Speilberg

  My favorite director, is Steven Speilberg (ET..enough said).  One of my favorite authors, is Stephen King.  I've always liked the name Stephen.  Perhaps thats why my offspring has that name.    One interesting thing though, about my offspring.  He's insanely creative.  He latches on to a story he's spinning, and he will really get into it.  His creativity sometimes astounds me.  absurd most of the time, but astounding.  some interesting doozies have come out of his mouth.

  I realized the other day, when stephen insisted on going to the mens restroom at a rest stop, that it's been over a year since we had the bad touch talk.  I was a nervous wreck at the rest stop, i know the ones in Daytona used to have stings in them all the time, for prostitution and truckers and all that.  I can only imagine him being in there, and some horny pervert taking advantage.  Since he's reached the age where he refuses to go into the women's restroom, or go pee around me really, i've let him go to the mens room, and i've always told him to scream, if something happens that he's not comfortable with, while i hover at the entrance.

  Anyways, so tonight I figured it was time to refresh our memory of bad touches, and not showing our stuff to people and that some things are private.  I asked him the usual questions, has anyone touched you, asked to see you, etc etc.  he answered in the negative, a huge relief of course.  Then I asked him if he remembered what the bad touch was and stuff like that.

  Oh my god.  his creativity kicked in.  He started explaining about how the bad touch is illegal, and against the law, and that when George Washington was president of the united states, back in the day, he would do the bad touch with some slaves, and abraham lincoln came along and made it against the law, and long story short (he got really winded with the details and how there was a war and people were exploding and stuff like that) he said that was the reason why everyone wanted to vote for him to be president, and now we have president obama, and its still illegal to do the bad touch.

*sigh* one question gave me 15 minutes of wayyyyy too much information about former president George Washington, history according to my 7 year old.